My one word for 2018 (in place of New Year's resolutions) was Partake. I expected my year to be focused on truly monitoring what I let into my soul - body and spirit. Filtering out the bad, inviting more of the good.
I'd say I had moderate success. I didn't do well with the physical. I didn't do well cleaning up my diet and focusing on other healthy behaviors I've let slip (like sleep and water).
I didn't do well on time management. I didn't cut down significantly on Netflix and such.
However, I did really well at filtering out the entertainment that doesn't fit my value system. There are books, TV shows, movies, and music I partook of before that I wouldn't really want to admit to. Not because the world considers them inappropriate, but because I do. They were the literal definition of guilty pleasures.
The simplest way I found to bring my behaviors and beliefs into accord was to cut out all entertainment that would be rated higher than PG.
Not everything is rated. Books aren't rated, but many of them would be beyond PG if they were. Music isn't screened well at all. Old movies are often not rated.
With music, I just cut out anything with swearing or sex. With everything else, whenever I found myself wanting to partake of something that wasn't rated, I did a little homework.
With books, I asked the people who read them, if I could. Right now I only read for book club, so I just asked someone who read ahead of me. That worked well. I only had to filter one or two of them out.
I used IMDb to judge movies and TV shows. If a show didn't seem to have a rating, I scrolled down to a section called Certificate and clicked on See all certifications. This showed me how it was rated in other countries. I looked at the ratings from Australia and the United Kingdom, sometimes others. If they were under 13, I called it approved. I also read the Parents Guide. These helped a lot.
The trouble came when IMDb and Netflix had conflicting ratings. Like with Merlin. On IMDb it's TV-PG; on Netflix it's TV-14. I watched many episodes before I found out it was TV-14 on Netflix. Then I pondered a long time. It's a series I've watched a couple times. As far as I could guess, the only thing that might push it to TV-14 is the witchcraft, that gets a little more intense in the later seasons. But it still wasn't something that went beyond my sensitivities. In the end, I stopped watching it. Not because I don't think it's okay for me, but because it was my goal to not watch beyond PG for the year, and I wanted to stay as true to that as I could.
There were a lot of shows that are TV-14 that I think are okay, but I didn't watch. There were also some that were PG that I wasn't okay with, like Charmed (lots of casual sex). Luckily, I had many options I love - like all the Star Treks (except Discovery, which . . . let's just not go there) and Doctor Who. Most SciFi TV before 2000 is fine. I also watched some shows from years ago that I didn't watch when they first aired, like Sabrina the Teenage Witch. And I explored a lot of teen and kids shows and found some gems, like Wolfblood and Gravity Falls.
It was a little tough at the beginning of the year. I wasn't watching R-rated or TV-MA before anyway, so it wasn't a huge jump. But once in a while I'd want to watch something I thought was okay and find it wasn't. And it was tough when the new Fantastic Beasts came out and was rated PG-13. And it was especially tough during Octoboween, when I usually watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel, both beyond my limit.
But, overall, it was a great year. I was happier. My soul was lighter. I felt more clean. And less self-reproaching. I'm really glad I did it and that I stuck to it.
I've been debating how I want things to change or stay the same now that the year is over. I've decided I'll mostly maintain my current status. I'll mostly stay away from PG-13 and TV-14, unless it's something I know is clean. I have a much better knowledge of what I'm sensitive to now and feel I can be honest with myself and take care of myself by filtering accordingly.
I watched my first TV-14 show yesterday - The West Wing. There was a bit more swearing than I remember, but I think it was just the episodes I chose. I'm going to give it a few more tries before I write it off again. And I WILL be seeing Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald before too long.
Beyond that, I just don't know yet. I've learned a lot. I'll play it by ear - or by heart, I guess.
Showing posts with label One Word. Show all posts
Showing posts with label One Word. Show all posts
Saturday, January 19, 2019
Friday, December 29, 2017
2018 One Word - Partake
Choosing one word for the year is an interesting thing. I always think I know how it will play out, but it always surprises me. I'm sure this will be the same.
It often starts with a feeling. I get a sense of what I need to focus on. Sometimes a clear word. Sometimes just an ethereal idea. After pondering on it for a while, usually several days, I settle on the word. Always a bit before the end of the year. I've known my word for next year for a few weeks now.
And when I choose a new word, I tend to start changing my life to fit it, even before January first. Can't help it.
This year's word is PARTAKE. As usual, I have a very clear feel for what it will be, even if I can't quite say it.
The first word that came to mind was consume, then consumption. It was an idea that I needed to be more aware of what I take into my mind and body. Consume was so completely not the right word, and consumption made me feel like I was in the 1800s with some disease. I had to work on it for a bit.
But partake is so totally the right word. It's not about devouring something. It's about accepting something. It has a spiritual feel to it. It helped me flesh out my view for the year.
It's both about not partaking in something unhealthy for me and choosing to partake of things that are. The duality of that might not be obvious. But I can choose not to partake of certain negative things and go on my merry way without too much change. When I'm presented with good options/opportunities, I need to partake of those.
See? It's totally clear in my heart but tough to communicate.
I've already started to prepare and to put it into practice. It's very compelling, this year's word.
In a simple and obvious way, I've whittled down my viewing and music choices. I already leaned on the less adult side. I already limited my movies to PG-13 and my TV to TV-14. This cut out so much objectionable stuff. (For me. Let me be clear - this is about my tolerance, not a judgment on anyone else.) But there's still so much that I'm not proud of, that I know isn't good for me, but I was hesitant to get rid of because I like it.
I've gone through Netflix (where I do almost all my viewing) and cleared everything from my queue that's rated more than PG. I've also cut out some things that are PG but with content I know isn't in accordance with this plan.
I've created a new music playlist without swearing and without sex. I already had a pretty clean selection, but once in a while I had a song I wouldn't play around other people's children. I figure that's a pretty good indicator.
These seemed to be a good place to start, easy to discern.
I tend to be porous, picking up on the emotions of people around me. Not just aware of them, but carrying them, whether I want to or not. Until now, I didn't make the connection that I have that same experience with the media I partake of. It soaks into me in much the same way, whether I want it to or not. I believe these changes will help lighten my soul.
But it's not just about making better choices about what I consume. It's also about how much. And when. And so many other things.
And as I've begun to put it into motion, without really trying, I've found interesting thoughts cross my mind. When I was disappointed with something and wanted to be critical, I paused. We live in a society that seems to relish complaints, criticism, and sarcasm. They're easy to throw around. But when I paused I heard these words in my mind - "Partake of positivity."
I found it very intriguing. When I stop myself from complaining or criticizing, I've always thought of it as an outward thing. I'm doing this to them, for them. I'm stopping negative feelings and expression from leaving me and going to the other person. But in that moment I saw it from a different perspective. Partaking of positivity, inviting that into my heart, stops the rest. It strengthens me, lifts me. It's not that I stop myself from saying or doing anything negative, because that just goes away. It's just gone.
I know I'm not explaining this very well. It makes sense to me. I hope it makes a little sense to you. And I hope I can observe and document it a bit better this year, so I can share it with you as I go along.
Do you have a word for 2018?
It often starts with a feeling. I get a sense of what I need to focus on. Sometimes a clear word. Sometimes just an ethereal idea. After pondering on it for a while, usually several days, I settle on the word. Always a bit before the end of the year. I've known my word for next year for a few weeks now.
And when I choose a new word, I tend to start changing my life to fit it, even before January first. Can't help it.
This year's word is PARTAKE. As usual, I have a very clear feel for what it will be, even if I can't quite say it.
The first word that came to mind was consume, then consumption. It was an idea that I needed to be more aware of what I take into my mind and body. Consume was so completely not the right word, and consumption made me feel like I was in the 1800s with some disease. I had to work on it for a bit.
But partake is so totally the right word. It's not about devouring something. It's about accepting something. It has a spiritual feel to it. It helped me flesh out my view for the year.
It's both about not partaking in something unhealthy for me and choosing to partake of things that are. The duality of that might not be obvious. But I can choose not to partake of certain negative things and go on my merry way without too much change. When I'm presented with good options/opportunities, I need to partake of those.
See? It's totally clear in my heart but tough to communicate.
I've already started to prepare and to put it into practice. It's very compelling, this year's word.
In a simple and obvious way, I've whittled down my viewing and music choices. I already leaned on the less adult side. I already limited my movies to PG-13 and my TV to TV-14. This cut out so much objectionable stuff. (For me. Let me be clear - this is about my tolerance, not a judgment on anyone else.) But there's still so much that I'm not proud of, that I know isn't good for me, but I was hesitant to get rid of because I like it.
I've gone through Netflix (where I do almost all my viewing) and cleared everything from my queue that's rated more than PG. I've also cut out some things that are PG but with content I know isn't in accordance with this plan.
I've created a new music playlist without swearing and without sex. I already had a pretty clean selection, but once in a while I had a song I wouldn't play around other people's children. I figure that's a pretty good indicator.
These seemed to be a good place to start, easy to discern.
I tend to be porous, picking up on the emotions of people around me. Not just aware of them, but carrying them, whether I want to or not. Until now, I didn't make the connection that I have that same experience with the media I partake of. It soaks into me in much the same way, whether I want it to or not. I believe these changes will help lighten my soul.
But it's not just about making better choices about what I consume. It's also about how much. And when. And so many other things.
And as I've begun to put it into motion, without really trying, I've found interesting thoughts cross my mind. When I was disappointed with something and wanted to be critical, I paused. We live in a society that seems to relish complaints, criticism, and sarcasm. They're easy to throw around. But when I paused I heard these words in my mind - "Partake of positivity."
I found it very intriguing. When I stop myself from complaining or criticizing, I've always thought of it as an outward thing. I'm doing this to them, for them. I'm stopping negative feelings and expression from leaving me and going to the other person. But in that moment I saw it from a different perspective. Partaking of positivity, inviting that into my heart, stops the rest. It strengthens me, lifts me. It's not that I stop myself from saying or doing anything negative, because that just goes away. It's just gone.
I know I'm not explaining this very well. It makes sense to me. I hope it makes a little sense to you. And I hope I can observe and document it a bit better this year, so I can share it with you as I go along.
Do you have a word for 2018?
Thursday, December 28, 2017
A Year of Purpose in Review
It's time to look back on the last year and how my One Word has played out. For 2017 that word was PURPOSE.
In anticipation, I expected I would approach things with purpose. That I would more consciously choose what I did and choose things that had a real purpose. A purpose of value. That instead of running around putting out fires, which my life has so often been, I would take a breath and choose. I would ponder, if only for a minute, what was the proper use of my time and energy. And that did happen. Some.
But often it played out differently. I had something I wanted to do or needed to do and tried to find a deeper purpose in it. I need to go to the library to pick up a book for my daughter. But what is the greater purpose for this. My daughter is currently house bound. I'm going to the library as an act of service. I am doing something for her that she can't currently do for herself. There were many instances of that.
Or I tried to give something purpose. I'm going for a run. This run is to build my running base. Or I dedicate these miles to a friend who is struggling. Things such as this.
But most often it happened in the middle of something I was doing. I'm on hour three of a Netflix binge. Why? What is my purpose for spending so much time this way? It's an effort to avoid the struggles of my life. It's an attempt to dull the things I'm feeling that I don't want to feel. It's a weird way I can feel like I'm accomplishing something, as I check episodes off. There was way more of this type of analysis than usual.
I'm big on examining my motivation for things. But this was a bit different. Looking for a purpose. And asking myself if my purpose was a healthy one. Was it good for me? Did it serve a larger purpose? What general direction were these choices taking me, and did that lead to my bigger purpose? To the broader goals, the long-term goals, I have for myself.
I can honestly say I sometimes did well with this and sometimes didn't. Finding out what my purpose for doing something was sometimes stopped me in my tracks and made me change direction. Other times not so much.
I think this one will stick with me. And it leads well into 2018's word. Coming soon.
In anticipation, I expected I would approach things with purpose. That I would more consciously choose what I did and choose things that had a real purpose. A purpose of value. That instead of running around putting out fires, which my life has so often been, I would take a breath and choose. I would ponder, if only for a minute, what was the proper use of my time and energy. And that did happen. Some.
But often it played out differently. I had something I wanted to do or needed to do and tried to find a deeper purpose in it. I need to go to the library to pick up a book for my daughter. But what is the greater purpose for this. My daughter is currently house bound. I'm going to the library as an act of service. I am doing something for her that she can't currently do for herself. There were many instances of that.
Or I tried to give something purpose. I'm going for a run. This run is to build my running base. Or I dedicate these miles to a friend who is struggling. Things such as this.
But most often it happened in the middle of something I was doing. I'm on hour three of a Netflix binge. Why? What is my purpose for spending so much time this way? It's an effort to avoid the struggles of my life. It's an attempt to dull the things I'm feeling that I don't want to feel. It's a weird way I can feel like I'm accomplishing something, as I check episodes off. There was way more of this type of analysis than usual.
I'm big on examining my motivation for things. But this was a bit different. Looking for a purpose. And asking myself if my purpose was a healthy one. Was it good for me? Did it serve a larger purpose? What general direction were these choices taking me, and did that lead to my bigger purpose? To the broader goals, the long-term goals, I have for myself.
I can honestly say I sometimes did well with this and sometimes didn't. Finding out what my purpose for doing something was sometimes stopped me in my tracks and made me change direction. Other times not so much.
I think this one will stick with me. And it leads well into 2018's word. Coming soon.
Monday, February 13, 2017
2017 - A Year of Purpose
Seriously?! Where did January go? This right here is exactly why I needed my word of the year to be PURPOSE.
Long story short, I choose one word each year. Lots of thought and prayer goes into my decision. And then I try to let that word guide my year. I never know how it's going to play out; there are always interesting surprises.
My word for 2017 is purpose.
It can be tough to explain why I choose the word I do. Sometimes it's totally clear. Other times it's pretty ethereal. Usually writing it out helps. Let's see what happens this time.
People who know me, people who are close to me, know my life is never boring. That's the nice way to put it. My life is often quite complicated and difficult. There are so many areas of my life that go nuts on a regular basis like a drop of water on a hot, greased skillet.
I often feel like I'm dancing on a moving floor. Things are rarely predictable. Try as I might, I rarely feel like I have my footing. Like I'm running my own life.
But it's been worse lately. My life has definitely been running me. A lot! Flinging me around like a dog with a rag doll in its teeth. And I feel it.
I've spent way too much time lately feeling in tatters. Like my dress is shredded, I'm missing a shoe, and one of my eyes is hanging loosely from the socket. (Still a rag doll metaphor. Not blood and gore.)
I'm running around putting out fires. I'm doing this or that because I HAVE to. I'm the flotsam and jetsam on the ocean, flung wherever the waves take me.
It's not a happy way to live. It's not peaceful at all. And peace is always my main goal for my life.
So as I pondered my word, my heart went this direction. Just as a feeling. A sense of what I wanted. But without the words. And then the word came. Purpose. I need purpose.
It's not that I need purpose in my life, overall. I have that. I have oodles of that.
I need purpose in the moments. In the days. In the plans. In the relationships. In the decisions of my life.
I need to steer my life.
We're two weeks into February. I wanted to write this on January first. Guess how well I'm doing so far.
I do have moments. I've chosen to dedicate my runs (or hikes or whatever) to people in my life. Once in a while, someone will be on my mind and in my heart. So I take them with me when I run. Not always, but frequently. When the run gets hard, I remember whom I'm running for and why. Usually gratitude floods over me in that moment. How blessed I am that I can run!
And there've been other moments. Moments I remember to stop. Think. Choose.
But not nearly enough.
Today was kind of an over-the-top kind of day. I was slammed on all sides. Stress. Stress. A little more stress. Some anxiety. And how about some STRESS? Some irrational demands. Some innocent demands hitting on top of everything else. Text. Text. Text. Phone call. Phone call. Phone call. Request. Request. Request. All day long. And some gut-wrenching struggles for people I love, people I need to take care of.
I was not in control for much of the day. And then I was. And it was better.
And tomorrow it will start all over again.
Lots of opportunities for growth. Lots of chances to find my purpose.
Long story short, I choose one word each year. Lots of thought and prayer goes into my decision. And then I try to let that word guide my year. I never know how it's going to play out; there are always interesting surprises.
My word for 2017 is purpose.
It can be tough to explain why I choose the word I do. Sometimes it's totally clear. Other times it's pretty ethereal. Usually writing it out helps. Let's see what happens this time.
People who know me, people who are close to me, know my life is never boring. That's the nice way to put it. My life is often quite complicated and difficult. There are so many areas of my life that go nuts on a regular basis like a drop of water on a hot, greased skillet.
I often feel like I'm dancing on a moving floor. Things are rarely predictable. Try as I might, I rarely feel like I have my footing. Like I'm running my own life.
But it's been worse lately. My life has definitely been running me. A lot! Flinging me around like a dog with a rag doll in its teeth. And I feel it.
I've spent way too much time lately feeling in tatters. Like my dress is shredded, I'm missing a shoe, and one of my eyes is hanging loosely from the socket. (Still a rag doll metaphor. Not blood and gore.)
I'm running around putting out fires. I'm doing this or that because I HAVE to. I'm the flotsam and jetsam on the ocean, flung wherever the waves take me.
It's not a happy way to live. It's not peaceful at all. And peace is always my main goal for my life.
So as I pondered my word, my heart went this direction. Just as a feeling. A sense of what I wanted. But without the words. And then the word came. Purpose. I need purpose.
It's not that I need purpose in my life, overall. I have that. I have oodles of that.
I need purpose in the moments. In the days. In the plans. In the relationships. In the decisions of my life.
I need to steer my life.
We're two weeks into February. I wanted to write this on January first. Guess how well I'm doing so far.
I do have moments. I've chosen to dedicate my runs (or hikes or whatever) to people in my life. Once in a while, someone will be on my mind and in my heart. So I take them with me when I run. Not always, but frequently. When the run gets hard, I remember whom I'm running for and why. Usually gratitude floods over me in that moment. How blessed I am that I can run!
And there've been other moments. Moments I remember to stop. Think. Choose.
But not nearly enough.
Today was kind of an over-the-top kind of day. I was slammed on all sides. Stress. Stress. A little more stress. Some anxiety. And how about some STRESS? Some irrational demands. Some innocent demands hitting on top of everything else. Text. Text. Text. Phone call. Phone call. Phone call. Request. Request. Request. All day long. And some gut-wrenching struggles for people I love, people I need to take care of.
I was not in control for much of the day. And then I was. And it was better.
And tomorrow it will start all over again.
Lots of opportunities for growth. Lots of chances to find my purpose.
Monday, January 9, 2017
A Year of Run
What an interesting year 2016 was. So many changes in my life. So many tough things, some of which got better, others which got worse.
But a very important thing happened in 2016. Something I never expected. Something that kind of sneaked up on me. Something that's changed me for the rest of my life.
In 2016, I became a runner.
In a nutshell, I'd been unhealthy for years. All kinds of medical struggles. They weren't dangerous, just life-inhibiting. In 2014 some things changed in my life which improved my physical and mental health. More changes happened in 2015, which enabled me to begin walking. Really walking. For miles and miles and miles. With zero intention of running. Zero desire to run.
Until my third 5k. I'd done my first one entirely walking, except those last 20 yards; gotta push across the finish line, right? My second one, I added just a little running here and there. Basically just enough to beat my time from my first one. By the time I got to my third one, I knew I'd have to run a significant amount to improve my time. This was all in the summer and fall of 2015.
I think I ran about a third of that last one - run until you can't breathe, walk until your heart stops pounding to the point you think it will explode, repeat. It was incredibly difficult. I couldn't walk the few blocks home, because I'd injured myself by pushing so hard. And I remember thinking in that moment, "I want to run!"
It took several months of resting a little, going back to it too soon, injuring myself again before I really took healing myself seriously.
At the end of 2015, a year of HEALing, it was time to choose a new word. I don't do New Year's resolutions. I choose one word. One word to guide my year. Sometimes it's a lot of work to choose my word. I have so many ideas run through my head. Several of them would fit. God and I have to talk it over for a while before I settle on one.
Last year wasn't like that. I immediately knew what I wanted. I wanted RUN. I wanted to run! But I fought it. It seemed like such a narrow focus. How could it possibly govern my year? How could it affect my spiritual life? How could I use it to govern my relationships? How shallow a word was that to choose?!
But when I took it to God, He said it was perfect! I still didn't know how it would play out, but I trusted it would.
It did.
I ran.
I am a runner.
Let me say that again - I AM A RUNNER!
I don't run fast or far, but I run. And I love it! I never, ever thought about running before. In fact, I mocked my friends who ran. Why would I torture myself like that? But then I did it.
Running makes me feel powerful. Running makes me feel cleansed. Running makes me feel free. Running makes me feel alive! Running is and does so many things.
In years past, when I've reviewed my year through the eyes of that One Word, I've looked at the ways it had an impact on all those individual areas of my life. When I chose RUN as my word, I expected to look back and see how I let it inspire me to RUN to Jesus or RUN to or from this or that. But it didn't. And I've learned something.
I've learned that God doesn't compartmentalize. I do. I'm the one who sees my physical health, emotional health, financial health, relational health, mental health, spiritual health, etc. separately. God sees me.
I've learned that any progress in a positive direction is spiritual progress. Because everything is spiritual. I am a spiritual being, so my entire life experience is spiritual.
Progress in a positive direction makes me more whole. Running makes me more whole. God knew that. And He knew that it was good.
But a very important thing happened in 2016. Something I never expected. Something that kind of sneaked up on me. Something that's changed me for the rest of my life.
In 2016, I became a runner.
In a nutshell, I'd been unhealthy for years. All kinds of medical struggles. They weren't dangerous, just life-inhibiting. In 2014 some things changed in my life which improved my physical and mental health. More changes happened in 2015, which enabled me to begin walking. Really walking. For miles and miles and miles. With zero intention of running. Zero desire to run.
Until my third 5k. I'd done my first one entirely walking, except those last 20 yards; gotta push across the finish line, right? My second one, I added just a little running here and there. Basically just enough to beat my time from my first one. By the time I got to my third one, I knew I'd have to run a significant amount to improve my time. This was all in the summer and fall of 2015.
I think I ran about a third of that last one - run until you can't breathe, walk until your heart stops pounding to the point you think it will explode, repeat. It was incredibly difficult. I couldn't walk the few blocks home, because I'd injured myself by pushing so hard. And I remember thinking in that moment, "I want to run!"
It took several months of resting a little, going back to it too soon, injuring myself again before I really took healing myself seriously.
At the end of 2015, a year of HEALing, it was time to choose a new word. I don't do New Year's resolutions. I choose one word. One word to guide my year. Sometimes it's a lot of work to choose my word. I have so many ideas run through my head. Several of them would fit. God and I have to talk it over for a while before I settle on one.
Last year wasn't like that. I immediately knew what I wanted. I wanted RUN. I wanted to run! But I fought it. It seemed like such a narrow focus. How could it possibly govern my year? How could it affect my spiritual life? How could I use it to govern my relationships? How shallow a word was that to choose?!
But when I took it to God, He said it was perfect! I still didn't know how it would play out, but I trusted it would.
It did.
I ran.
I am a runner.
Let me say that again - I AM A RUNNER!
I don't run fast or far, but I run. And I love it! I never, ever thought about running before. In fact, I mocked my friends who ran. Why would I torture myself like that? But then I did it.
Running makes me feel powerful. Running makes me feel cleansed. Running makes me feel free. Running makes me feel alive! Running is and does so many things.
In years past, when I've reviewed my year through the eyes of that One Word, I've looked at the ways it had an impact on all those individual areas of my life. When I chose RUN as my word, I expected to look back and see how I let it inspire me to RUN to Jesus or RUN to or from this or that. But it didn't. And I've learned something.
I've learned that God doesn't compartmentalize. I do. I'm the one who sees my physical health, emotional health, financial health, relational health, mental health, spiritual health, etc. separately. God sees me.
I've learned that any progress in a positive direction is spiritual progress. Because everything is spiritual. I am a spiritual being, so my entire life experience is spiritual.
Progress in a positive direction makes me more whole. Running makes me more whole. God knew that. And He knew that it was good.
Monday, March 14, 2016
One Word - RUN
Each year I choose a word. One word to define the year. No specific goals really. Just a direction. A focus.
Last year my word was HEAL. This year it's RUN.
I take my time choosing my word. I think about it. I ponder it. I pray about it. I spend a good long time observing my life, myself, the world. And, eventually, it comes to me.
The thing is, my word is all-encompassing. It's about every part of my life. It's about physical, emotional, spiritual - everything. So it's usually a word that can be used in many different ways, that can mean many different things.
RUN is different. At least I think it is.
I never know how a word will play out. I choose it at the beginning of the year; then at the end of the year I review. I'm always amazed at how the word fits into all the little corners of my life. If you read my post about last year's word, you'll see what I mean.
But right now, at this point in the year, I still can't see how my word is going to be anything but physical.
That's okay. Maybe my word will work differently this year. But I don't think so. I think somehow it truly will play out in many areas of my life.
For now, I'm going to let it be what my heart wants it to be. I want to run.
I can't believe I just wrote that sentence. Honestly, I've mocked my running friends for years. Although I liked to run as a child and played a lot of sports growing up, once my body changed proportions at around 14 the desire to run just for fun was gone. Running seemed like work. It was great for softball, a lot of work for basketball, and something I only coached for soccer. No longer of interest to me.
My interests shifted away from sports at 14. I joined marching band, which became my life. Running was unnecessary. By the time I graduated high school, I'd left any desire to run long behind. It wasn't even visible in my rearview mirror anymore.
I got married. I had kids. And fifteen years ago my body fell apart. The world fell out from under me. I went to bed for a year and a half.
I've written about that a lot (here, here, and here are just a few). So I'll keep it short and just say, I've been clawing my way back ever since.
Last year was my year of healing. It led to this year - the year I will run.
Because I will.
So far this year my life and my body have fought me. A lot. A month of super long hours of reclamation work at our rental left me with no energy to work toward running. Then I was hit with a bout of bronchitis for two weeks in early February, difficulty breathing and incredible fatigue. And another bout of bronchitis from the end of February through early March. And if there's one thing I need to be able to do if I'm going to run it's breathe. I do have to breathe.
Right now I am still scratchy-throated. I still feel like I'm breathing through gauze. But that's better than feeling like I'm trying to breathe through a rock, which is how it felt when I started.
I believe it's getting better.
It will get better.
And then I will run.
Last year my word was HEAL. This year it's RUN.
I take my time choosing my word. I think about it. I ponder it. I pray about it. I spend a good long time observing my life, myself, the world. And, eventually, it comes to me.
The thing is, my word is all-encompassing. It's about every part of my life. It's about physical, emotional, spiritual - everything. So it's usually a word that can be used in many different ways, that can mean many different things.
RUN is different. At least I think it is.
I never know how a word will play out. I choose it at the beginning of the year; then at the end of the year I review. I'm always amazed at how the word fits into all the little corners of my life. If you read my post about last year's word, you'll see what I mean.
But right now, at this point in the year, I still can't see how my word is going to be anything but physical.
That's okay. Maybe my word will work differently this year. But I don't think so. I think somehow it truly will play out in many areas of my life.
For now, I'm going to let it be what my heart wants it to be. I want to run.
I can't believe I just wrote that sentence. Honestly, I've mocked my running friends for years. Although I liked to run as a child and played a lot of sports growing up, once my body changed proportions at around 14 the desire to run just for fun was gone. Running seemed like work. It was great for softball, a lot of work for basketball, and something I only coached for soccer. No longer of interest to me.
My interests shifted away from sports at 14. I joined marching band, which became my life. Running was unnecessary. By the time I graduated high school, I'd left any desire to run long behind. It wasn't even visible in my rearview mirror anymore.
I got married. I had kids. And fifteen years ago my body fell apart. The world fell out from under me. I went to bed for a year and a half.
I've written about that a lot (here, here, and here are just a few). So I'll keep it short and just say, I've been clawing my way back ever since.
Last year was my year of healing. It led to this year - the year I will run.
Because I will.
So far this year my life and my body have fought me. A lot. A month of super long hours of reclamation work at our rental left me with no energy to work toward running. Then I was hit with a bout of bronchitis for two weeks in early February, difficulty breathing and incredible fatigue. And another bout of bronchitis from the end of February through early March. And if there's one thing I need to be able to do if I'm going to run it's breathe. I do have to breathe.
Right now I am still scratchy-throated. I still feel like I'm breathing through gauze. But that's better than feeling like I'm trying to breathe through a rock, which is how it felt when I started.
I believe it's getting better.
It will get better.
And then I will run.
Thursday, December 31, 2015
A Year of Healing
My version of New Year's resolutions is One Word. I choose one word to direct my coming year. It's a from-the-gut choice. I toss and turn it over in my head and heart for days or weeks, working with God to choose what I need for that year. I've been doing it for a few years now, and it never ceases to amaze me how my year looks in retrospect wrapped in that word.
My word for 2015 was HEAL. I went into the year not knowing how that would play out. In most cases, I just tucked that word away in my heart and went about my life. But once in a while something would happen and I'd notice it. I'd notice it was an element of healing. I was healing.
I just went back and re-read my post from the beginning of the year, when I chose this word. I read through the list. And I noticed things, areas of healing that had happened, that I hadn't noticed before. I'm so grateful for that.
But, truly, the biggest change has been my body.
I've got health issues. Nothing major, just enough to keep me from being and doing what I want. Enough to force me to see other ways of being. Others ways to be of value.
I started the year off very unhappy with my body. With its size and shape. With its open rebellion against me. With its struggle to control me, to make me submit to its whims. Honestly, I was frustrated that I even had to have a body, because I felt it limited me in so many ways.
But things changed.
I don't remember exactly how or when it happened. It might have started last year. In fact, I think it did. Last November I decided I wanted to add some color to my hair. Not regular color. Purple. And early in December, I did. I got about six inches of the bottom of my hair bleached and dyed bright purple. Much brighter than I'd anticipated. And more inches than I'd planned. (Due to my own miscommunication with my fabulous hairdresser.) All of a sudden my hair was troll doll purple. My Little Pony purple. No longer subtle at all!
I'd spent years hiding in plain sight. Trying to be subtly present in the room. Mostly because I was very unhappy with the weight I'd gained and the way I looked. I felt miserable and it showed.
I loved having bright hair! It gave me such a lift. But I wasn't prepared for how others would react to it. Suddenly, when I walked into a room, there was no question people would be looking at me. It often made me uncomfortable. But I have always tried to stand behind my decisions, even if they don't seem to make any sense to anyone else. I've tried to live by the principle that I shouldn't make any decision, take any action, that I wouldn't be okay if it were exposed to the world. Stand behind my choices - that's me!
So I decided to embrace it. I decided to embrace me. I shared photos of my hair on Facebook. It was fun seeing how it faded and sharing that, too. But I hated pictures of my face, so it was tricky to share my hair unless I had someone else take pictures from behind. I have lots of picture of the back and sides of my hair, with my head leaning so that my hair fell mostly in front of my face. Because I didn't like my fat face.
Again, I don't know the exact day it happened, but I decided to stop hiding from pictures. I decided to allow pictures of myself, even some I didn't like, to be seen. I decided the picture was just a moment. Even if I didn't like how I looked in that moment, I liked who I was. And I wanted to remember that moment and have evidence of my presence.
And in the midst of this, there were other changes happening. I was healing in other ways. Invisible, inside ways.
In February I heard the words that changed me forever. In February I found the key that turned off the self-harm switch inside me. I February I gave up self-harm for good. Something I knew I was supposed to heal, needed to heal, but didn't want to heal. I trusted. I was healed.
This year I came to a healthier relationship with my dad. I found my footing. Mostly through taking care of my mom together, he and I have found a new respect for each other. A new gratitude for each other. Healing
I've come to a much healthier place with my mom as well. As she's changing, as her world is changing, I'm finding my footing there as well. It's been a tough slog. It's going to get tougher still. But I understand and accept it better now. And that helps. I feel less burdened and more compassionate. And I feel love toward her. The kind of love that's been missing for a while. A healing love. I'm grateful for that.
But the most noticeable healing I've experienced has been physical. At the beginning of the year, I was a slug. I could move and get things done, but everything exhausted me. Everything was a huge burden. I'd do what needed to be done and head straight back to bed. I was so tired and miserable and uncomfortable in my own body.
Again, I don't remember exactly when it happened. But I know it started before my physical. As I was approaching my physical, I was evaluating things and had decided I wanted to get off one of the medications I was on. And, dang it, I wanted to talk to my doctor about losing weight. My body wanted to move.
Now that I think about it, I think that was how it started. My body ached. I lay in my bed aching, and I knew it was because my body wanted to move. And my brain wanted my body to move. But I was so exhausted. Completely depleted. I had nothing more to push my body with. Gravity was pulling so hard.
But I wanted to move.
So at my physical, I talked to my doctor. We made a couple of medication changes. And I made a plan. Eat better. Move. That was the gist of it. And that's what I did. I changed how and what I ate. And I started walking.
Since then I've walked three 5ks; I ran a little in the last one. I've injured myself (plantar fasciitis and shin splints), because I pushed too hard too fast. (Hopefully, I've learned something and will do better now.) I added bodyweight exercises. I did some yoga. I've done some Just Dance. A little of this, a little of that. I shared it all on Facebook, to keep myself accountable. Exercise is now something that's a part of my life. Part of who I am. Part of who I want to be. I want to be a runner!
And, let me just tell you, those are words I never thought I'd say. I had no intention of running. I started out walking. I walked and walked. Miles and miles. (Which in and of itself was amazing to me and everyone around me.) It was in my last 5k, the one where I pushed my body too far and it rebelled. The one where I ran some.
Hurting. Crying. My body ached. But not because of the injury. My body ached to run. I ached to run. Weird.
I'm still working toward that. It's a two steps forward, one step back thing. My body doesn't recover like it used to. I can't just decide I'm going to go push it for hours and hours and not pay for it like I could in high school. These days, the cost of pushing is a bit higher. But not too high. Not so high that it's not worth it. And if I pace myself instead of diving off the cliff, which is my inclination, I can do it. Baby steps. I'm working on that.
Since May I've lost 33 pounds. I've gone down a pant size. I've lost inches here and there. My face has thinned. And all of that's great. But it's not what's most important.
I feel like I've found me. Like my body and I are working together again. I've proven I can do this. I'm not at complete peace about my body all the time, but I'm doing so much better. I'm so much happier. I feel more whole.
Like each year in the past, I will carry this word forward with me. It will remain in my heart. It will continue to drive me in ways I won't notice until I look back.
And I'm so excited to share my word for 2016! But that'll be tomorrow.
My word for 2015 was HEAL. I went into the year not knowing how that would play out. In most cases, I just tucked that word away in my heart and went about my life. But once in a while something would happen and I'd notice it. I'd notice it was an element of healing. I was healing.
I just went back and re-read my post from the beginning of the year, when I chose this word. I read through the list. And I noticed things, areas of healing that had happened, that I hadn't noticed before. I'm so grateful for that.
But, truly, the biggest change has been my body.
I've got health issues. Nothing major, just enough to keep me from being and doing what I want. Enough to force me to see other ways of being. Others ways to be of value.
I started the year off very unhappy with my body. With its size and shape. With its open rebellion against me. With its struggle to control me, to make me submit to its whims. Honestly, I was frustrated that I even had to have a body, because I felt it limited me in so many ways.
But things changed.
I don't remember exactly how or when it happened. It might have started last year. In fact, I think it did. Last November I decided I wanted to add some color to my hair. Not regular color. Purple. And early in December, I did. I got about six inches of the bottom of my hair bleached and dyed bright purple. Much brighter than I'd anticipated. And more inches than I'd planned. (Due to my own miscommunication with my fabulous hairdresser.) All of a sudden my hair was troll doll purple. My Little Pony purple. No longer subtle at all!
I'd spent years hiding in plain sight. Trying to be subtly present in the room. Mostly because I was very unhappy with the weight I'd gained and the way I looked. I felt miserable and it showed.
I loved having bright hair! It gave me such a lift. But I wasn't prepared for how others would react to it. Suddenly, when I walked into a room, there was no question people would be looking at me. It often made me uncomfortable. But I have always tried to stand behind my decisions, even if they don't seem to make any sense to anyone else. I've tried to live by the principle that I shouldn't make any decision, take any action, that I wouldn't be okay if it were exposed to the world. Stand behind my choices - that's me!
So I decided to embrace it. I decided to embrace me. I shared photos of my hair on Facebook. It was fun seeing how it faded and sharing that, too. But I hated pictures of my face, so it was tricky to share my hair unless I had someone else take pictures from behind. I have lots of picture of the back and sides of my hair, with my head leaning so that my hair fell mostly in front of my face. Because I didn't like my fat face.
Again, I don't know the exact day it happened, but I decided to stop hiding from pictures. I decided to allow pictures of myself, even some I didn't like, to be seen. I decided the picture was just a moment. Even if I didn't like how I looked in that moment, I liked who I was. And I wanted to remember that moment and have evidence of my presence.
And in the midst of this, there were other changes happening. I was healing in other ways. Invisible, inside ways.
In February I heard the words that changed me forever. In February I found the key that turned off the self-harm switch inside me. I February I gave up self-harm for good. Something I knew I was supposed to heal, needed to heal, but didn't want to heal. I trusted. I was healed.
This year I came to a healthier relationship with my dad. I found my footing. Mostly through taking care of my mom together, he and I have found a new respect for each other. A new gratitude for each other. Healing
I've come to a much healthier place with my mom as well. As she's changing, as her world is changing, I'm finding my footing there as well. It's been a tough slog. It's going to get tougher still. But I understand and accept it better now. And that helps. I feel less burdened and more compassionate. And I feel love toward her. The kind of love that's been missing for a while. A healing love. I'm grateful for that.
But the most noticeable healing I've experienced has been physical. At the beginning of the year, I was a slug. I could move and get things done, but everything exhausted me. Everything was a huge burden. I'd do what needed to be done and head straight back to bed. I was so tired and miserable and uncomfortable in my own body.
Again, I don't remember exactly when it happened. But I know it started before my physical. As I was approaching my physical, I was evaluating things and had decided I wanted to get off one of the medications I was on. And, dang it, I wanted to talk to my doctor about losing weight. My body wanted to move.
Now that I think about it, I think that was how it started. My body ached. I lay in my bed aching, and I knew it was because my body wanted to move. And my brain wanted my body to move. But I was so exhausted. Completely depleted. I had nothing more to push my body with. Gravity was pulling so hard.
But I wanted to move.
So at my physical, I talked to my doctor. We made a couple of medication changes. And I made a plan. Eat better. Move. That was the gist of it. And that's what I did. I changed how and what I ate. And I started walking.
Since then I've walked three 5ks; I ran a little in the last one. I've injured myself (plantar fasciitis and shin splints), because I pushed too hard too fast. (Hopefully, I've learned something and will do better now.) I added bodyweight exercises. I did some yoga. I've done some Just Dance. A little of this, a little of that. I shared it all on Facebook, to keep myself accountable. Exercise is now something that's a part of my life. Part of who I am. Part of who I want to be. I want to be a runner!
And, let me just tell you, those are words I never thought I'd say. I had no intention of running. I started out walking. I walked and walked. Miles and miles. (Which in and of itself was amazing to me and everyone around me.) It was in my last 5k, the one where I pushed my body too far and it rebelled. The one where I ran some.
Hurting. Crying. My body ached. But not because of the injury. My body ached to run. I ached to run. Weird.
I'm still working toward that. It's a two steps forward, one step back thing. My body doesn't recover like it used to. I can't just decide I'm going to go push it for hours and hours and not pay for it like I could in high school. These days, the cost of pushing is a bit higher. But not too high. Not so high that it's not worth it. And if I pace myself instead of diving off the cliff, which is my inclination, I can do it. Baby steps. I'm working on that.
Since May I've lost 33 pounds. I've gone down a pant size. I've lost inches here and there. My face has thinned. And all of that's great. But it's not what's most important.
I feel like I've found me. Like my body and I are working together again. I've proven I can do this. I'm not at complete peace about my body all the time, but I'm doing so much better. I'm so much happier. I feel more whole.
Like each year in the past, I will carry this word forward with me. It will remain in my heart. It will continue to drive me in ways I won't notice until I look back.
And I'm so excited to share my word for 2016! But that'll be tomorrow.
Thursday, January 15, 2015
Are You Ready to Feel Better?
In July of 2005 I got a very bad headache. A debilitating headache. It didn't go away for a couple of weeks so I sought medical treatment. Long story short, I still have it. Lots of tests and doctors and treatments later. No answers. But that's not what this post is about.
I got the headache. We tried a bunch of stuff, including Lortab. It was great and made me feel awesome, but it didn't take the headache away. And it made it difficult for me to function as a mother and an employee. So I quit taking it and just didn't take anything for several months. The headache intensity fluctuated. If it got too bad, I just took a nap. The pain meds weren't worth the trade off of being completely non-functional and the rebound headaches I'd get.
But in October of 2006 my headache got bad and stayed bad for quite a while. I went to the doctor and desperately asked if there was something else we could try. Wasn't there something that could help that wouldn't make me feel like a zombie?
He said it was time to go to the pain clinic. Again, that's another story for another day. But there's one element that needs to be told for this post to have meaning.
In addition to the regular medical stuff we would try with the doctors, they wanted me to meet with their psychologist. I don't remember his name, and he has since retired. Let's just call him Dr. Old Guy.
So I met with Dr. Old Guy. He said we would work on bio-feedback and relaxation. He gave me a cd and told me he wanted me to spend thirty minutes twice a day listening to it and practicing guided relaxation. I may possibly have laughed in his face at the idea of two thirty minute relaxation sessions a day. He said the fact that it seemed impossible to me was just a sign that we were on the right track. Whatever.
So I did it and came back to meet with him again. And as we walked into his office for our second appointment he asked me a question that has stuck with me ever since. Haunted me? Maybe. He asked, "Are you ready to feel better?"
It kind of stopped me in my tracks.
Now it could very well have been one of those things that really doesn't mean anything. It could have just been his way of saying, "Let's get started."
But I pondered it. I analyzed it. I agonized over it.
Was there something I was gaining from having this headache that made me resistant to healing and was that why I wasn't getting better?
At the time it seemed ridiculous. What good was there in a headache? It had caused so much stress in my life. It had disrupted so many of my plans. It would eventually be the reason I had to quit my job. How on earth could anyone think I was choosing this? Was I choosing it?
The reason any of this matters all these years later is because of my word for the year. I chose HEAL as my word for 2015. And I still hear this question in my head. "Are you ready to feel better?"
And I still don't know the answer.
I got the headache. We tried a bunch of stuff, including Lortab. It was great and made me feel awesome, but it didn't take the headache away. And it made it difficult for me to function as a mother and an employee. So I quit taking it and just didn't take anything for several months. The headache intensity fluctuated. If it got too bad, I just took a nap. The pain meds weren't worth the trade off of being completely non-functional and the rebound headaches I'd get.
But in October of 2006 my headache got bad and stayed bad for quite a while. I went to the doctor and desperately asked if there was something else we could try. Wasn't there something that could help that wouldn't make me feel like a zombie?
He said it was time to go to the pain clinic. Again, that's another story for another day. But there's one element that needs to be told for this post to have meaning.
In addition to the regular medical stuff we would try with the doctors, they wanted me to meet with their psychologist. I don't remember his name, and he has since retired. Let's just call him Dr. Old Guy.
So I met with Dr. Old Guy. He said we would work on bio-feedback and relaxation. He gave me a cd and told me he wanted me to spend thirty minutes twice a day listening to it and practicing guided relaxation. I may possibly have laughed in his face at the idea of two thirty minute relaxation sessions a day. He said the fact that it seemed impossible to me was just a sign that we were on the right track. Whatever.
So I did it and came back to meet with him again. And as we walked into his office for our second appointment he asked me a question that has stuck with me ever since. Haunted me? Maybe. He asked, "Are you ready to feel better?"
It kind of stopped me in my tracks.
Now it could very well have been one of those things that really doesn't mean anything. It could have just been his way of saying, "Let's get started."
But I pondered it. I analyzed it. I agonized over it.
Was there something I was gaining from having this headache that made me resistant to healing and was that why I wasn't getting better?
At the time it seemed ridiculous. What good was there in a headache? It had caused so much stress in my life. It had disrupted so many of my plans. It would eventually be the reason I had to quit my job. How on earth could anyone think I was choosing this? Was I choosing it?
The reason any of this matters all these years later is because of my word for the year. I chose HEAL as my word for 2015. And I still hear this question in my head. "Are you ready to feel better?"
And I still don't know the answer.
Saturday, January 3, 2015
A Time to Heal
It's a new year. A fresh start. Sure, there's no big difference between December 31st and January 1st, but there actually is. People all over the world are taking this opportunity to examine their lives and decide what they want to change. How they want to improve.
I love that! It feels like a moment of unity for our entire species. That doesn't happen often.
I don't do resolutions, but I do examine my life and look for a new focus. I choose ONE WORD. There will be one word that guides my year. I never know exactly how it will play out. Some of it is how I change my actions; some of it is the natural flow of life; and I believe God brings people and experiences into my life to help me, because I've opened my heart up to Him in that way.
In the past I've sometimes stewed over what word to choose for the next year. Other times I just instantly knew. This was one of the latter. As soon as I thought about the new year and what I wanted to focus on, a word came to my mind. Clear and strong and spoken.
Would I go so far as to say God chose this word for me? Yes, I would.
This year God wants me to HEAL.
The word and a feeling came strongly. But the feeling was an open one. Heal is my word, but much of how I interpret that will morph throughout the year. What I do with that word is largely up to me.
So when I was given that word the first thing that came to mind was working on my physical health (which I think is the direction most people who know me would also go with it). I have some health struggles that I've sought answers for over the past several years - to no avail. They interfere with the life I want to live. They interfere with relationships. They interfere with who I want to be.
Then I felt selfish. Always looking at how my life will change. Always focused on me. Maybe it's meant to be an outward thing. Maybe I'm meant to heal others. Who would I want to heal? My family, my friends, my parents, the world. But I don't actually have the power to heal others. I have the power to help others heal, but only God can truly heal. And maybe He and I will spend some time working together to help others heal. I'm open to that.
In order to figure out what God was really asking of me, I pulled inside of myself. I took a deep breath. I opened my heart. And I asked, "What does this mean, this word heal, for me this year?"
And then I wrote:
- finances
- past
- Christmas
- physical health
- food issues/habits
- house
- garden/yard
- car management
- Mother's Day/Father's Day/Parents' birthdays
- my boundaries/obligations/desires for relationship with my parents
- mental health separate from my past
- spiritual health?
- daily habits/time management
- relationships?
- from relationships
- coping strategies
- self-soothing
- self-care
- household
- computer
- writing
- my relationship with my body*
- wanting
- codependence
- control issues
So, not much. (Just kidding on that not much thing.)
The question marks were because I'm not sure if He and I think that is an area I need to work on this year or if it's just something I felt I should add (seriously, a moment of allowing myself to be directed by societal expectations; sheesh). The asterisk is because I felt added intensity from Him on that one.
I know some of these may not make sense. Some of them don't seem to fit. But they do. And they do make sense in my head and my heart, even while they are still left free-floating and undefined - waiting to be discovered.
Because that is part of the magic of choosing one word. My year is spent in discovery. How and why does my word apply in this situation, whatever the situation may be? How does applying my word to this experience affect my growth and my happiness and my peace? How will this word change who I am?
It's a wonderful journey for me. Full of magic. And wonder. And inspiration. And challenge. And failure. And growth.
I can't wait!
I love that! It feels like a moment of unity for our entire species. That doesn't happen often.
I don't do resolutions, but I do examine my life and look for a new focus. I choose ONE WORD. There will be one word that guides my year. I never know exactly how it will play out. Some of it is how I change my actions; some of it is the natural flow of life; and I believe God brings people and experiences into my life to help me, because I've opened my heart up to Him in that way.
In the past I've sometimes stewed over what word to choose for the next year. Other times I just instantly knew. This was one of the latter. As soon as I thought about the new year and what I wanted to focus on, a word came to my mind. Clear and strong and spoken.
Would I go so far as to say God chose this word for me? Yes, I would.
This year God wants me to HEAL.
The word and a feeling came strongly. But the feeling was an open one. Heal is my word, but much of how I interpret that will morph throughout the year. What I do with that word is largely up to me.
So when I was given that word the first thing that came to mind was working on my physical health (which I think is the direction most people who know me would also go with it). I have some health struggles that I've sought answers for over the past several years - to no avail. They interfere with the life I want to live. They interfere with relationships. They interfere with who I want to be.
Then I felt selfish. Always looking at how my life will change. Always focused on me. Maybe it's meant to be an outward thing. Maybe I'm meant to heal others. Who would I want to heal? My family, my friends, my parents, the world. But I don't actually have the power to heal others. I have the power to help others heal, but only God can truly heal. And maybe He and I will spend some time working together to help others heal. I'm open to that.
In order to figure out what God was really asking of me, I pulled inside of myself. I took a deep breath. I opened my heart. And I asked, "What does this mean, this word heal, for me this year?"
And then I wrote:
- finances
- past
- Christmas
- physical health
- food issues/habits
- house
- garden/yard
- car management
- Mother's Day/Father's Day/Parents' birthdays
- my boundaries/obligations/desires for relationship with my parents
- mental health separate from my past
- spiritual health?
- daily habits/time management
- relationships?
- from relationships
- coping strategies
- self-soothing
- self-care
- household
- computer
- writing
- my relationship with my body*
- wanting
- codependence
- control issues
So, not much. (Just kidding on that not much thing.)
The question marks were because I'm not sure if He and I think that is an area I need to work on this year or if it's just something I felt I should add (seriously, a moment of allowing myself to be directed by societal expectations; sheesh). The asterisk is because I felt added intensity from Him on that one.
I know some of these may not make sense. Some of them don't seem to fit. But they do. And they do make sense in my head and my heart, even while they are still left free-floating and undefined - waiting to be discovered.
Because that is part of the magic of choosing one word. My year is spent in discovery. How and why does my word apply in this situation, whatever the situation may be? How does applying my word to this experience affect my growth and my happiness and my peace? How will this word change who I am?
It's a wonderful journey for me. Full of magic. And wonder. And inspiration. And challenge. And failure. And growth.
I can't wait!
Tuesday, December 30, 2014
A Year of Creating
2014. It's almost over. Where did it go? And so fast. It's done and gone so fast.
And what do I have to show for it?
I love to look back on the year and see what's changed. What did I get done that I wanted to and what plans fell in the gutter? I especially love this look back since I've started choosing ONE WORD to guide my year (explained here).
Last year my word was CREATE. I had so many great plans, while still leaving things open to the natural flow of my life and whatever the world would bring my way. Some of my plans came to fruition. Others, not so much.
I wanted to draw more. I did, but not as much as I had planned.
I wanted to create the yard I'd been dreaming of. I made progress, but not as much as I had planned (thank you hysterectomy).
I wanted to make my room a haven. I did really well at this (although maintenance is tricky).
I had a list of words as part of my plan. Some with obvious meaning, others more ethereal. I created a vision canvas to help guide me. I hung it on my closet door and referred to it often, to just kind of check in with myself.
I wanted to create:
- peace
- stability
- strength
- refuge
- dragonflies*
- healing
- haven
- space
- calm
- wellness
- sanctuary
- satisfaction
- fortitude
- oasis
- happiness
- gargoyles*
- garden
- structure
- dragons*
- wholeness
- atonement
- shelter
- freedom
- health
- joy
- self
- focus
- safety
- divinity
- dreams
- escape
- order
*I didn't want to create dragonflies, gargoyles, or dragons; I wanted to incorporate them into my life. I love them in a magical way. They sing to my heart. I did learn to draw a basic dragonfly that I'm happy with. I'm still searching for just the right gargoyle(s). But as for the dragon, I'm not there yet. I wanted to learn to draw one. I have some ideas, and a tutorial for a basic one, but no finished product. I still have today and tomorrow. Maybe I'll get it done before the year is over.
As for the others on my list, I have had a certain measure of success on all of them. And that's why the ONE WORD idea works for me. I don't have to be perfect (perfectionism is a struggle I have). I keep it very open, loosely defined. It's a guide, not a restriction. Even with all the struggles and health issues I had this last year, I'm calling it a win!
I'll keep my vision canvas for CREATE up for a while. I love the ideas it contains and it makes me happy. And I'm eager to create one for my new word for 2015. It's just the perfect word for my life right now. That will be my next post.
And what do I have to show for it?
I love to look back on the year and see what's changed. What did I get done that I wanted to and what plans fell in the gutter? I especially love this look back since I've started choosing ONE WORD to guide my year (explained here).
Last year my word was CREATE. I had so many great plans, while still leaving things open to the natural flow of my life and whatever the world would bring my way. Some of my plans came to fruition. Others, not so much.
I wanted to draw more. I did, but not as much as I had planned.
I wanted to create the yard I'd been dreaming of. I made progress, but not as much as I had planned (thank you hysterectomy).
I wanted to make my room a haven. I did really well at this (although maintenance is tricky).
I had a list of words as part of my plan. Some with obvious meaning, others more ethereal. I created a vision canvas to help guide me. I hung it on my closet door and referred to it often, to just kind of check in with myself.
I wanted to create:
- peace
- stability
- strength
- refuge
- dragonflies*
- healing
- haven
- space
- calm
- wellness
- sanctuary
- satisfaction
- fortitude
- oasis
- happiness
- gargoyles*
- garden
- structure
- dragons*
- wholeness
- atonement
- shelter
- freedom
- health
- joy
- self
- focus
- safety
- divinity
- dreams
- escape
- order
*I didn't want to create dragonflies, gargoyles, or dragons; I wanted to incorporate them into my life. I love them in a magical way. They sing to my heart. I did learn to draw a basic dragonfly that I'm happy with. I'm still searching for just the right gargoyle(s). But as for the dragon, I'm not there yet. I wanted to learn to draw one. I have some ideas, and a tutorial for a basic one, but no finished product. I still have today and tomorrow. Maybe I'll get it done before the year is over.
As for the others on my list, I have had a certain measure of success on all of them. And that's why the ONE WORD idea works for me. I don't have to be perfect (perfectionism is a struggle I have). I keep it very open, loosely defined. It's a guide, not a restriction. Even with all the struggles and health issues I had this last year, I'm calling it a win!
I'll keep my vision canvas for CREATE up for a while. I love the ideas it contains and it makes me happy. And I'm eager to create one for my new word for 2015. It's just the perfect word for my life right now. That will be my next post.
Saturday, December 28, 2013
Creating the World of My Dreams
As I come to the end of the year, I start thinking about what the next year will be. What do I want to do in the next year? How will I define it? How will I change and grow? This alone makes it a proactive activity.
Approaching the new year understanding that I can define it is empowering.
Many years in the past I have been carried along like a twig in a current. Go with the flow. Wherever life takes me is where I'll be. No thought or effort to change my own direction, just reacting to things as they happen.
But a couple of years ago, when I decided to choose a word to define the year, a word for my focus, things began to change. My word was KINDNESS the first year and SEE the next. Both of those years were powerful and changed me in amazing ways. The one word for a year thing totally works for me.
I am so excited about my word for this year. I pondered all the things I want to change, all the things I want to do, all the ways I still need to grow. I pondered who I am and who I want to be. I pondered my world and what defines it. Many words came to mind as options. But eventually one floated to the top that encapsulates everything I want.
CREATE. My word for 2014 is create.
This is the moment in my life when I am ready to truly make my world what I want it to be, in so many facets. It fits where I am now. And where I want to go.
My vision is that I will examine my life and decide what I want it to be. I am usually so whatever in my life. I am a very content person, happy with whatever life hands me. And I think there is value in that. But there is also value in choosing. In making it what I want it to be.
It will be less about what I don't want and more about what I do. Not focusing on the things I want to change or get rid of but focusing on what I want my life to be. Less about getting rid of things and more about creating space. Less about not feeling bad and more about feeling good. Less about avoiding people who cause me stress and more about filling my life with people who bring me joy. Less about overcoming negative behaviors and more about establishing habits of good behaviors.
A big part of this will be examining my life (which I love and am good at) and figuring out what I want (which I'm not as good at).
I have already started, because I just couldn't wait. I've taken up a new art form (Zentangle). I've begun creating space in my home. But there's so much more room to create. I can't wait to see what this year will bring.
Maybe it will be the year I finally do the small remodel on the bathroom I've wanted to do for years. Maybe it will be the year I tackle the backyard and make it the oasis I want it to be. Maybe it will be the year my bedroom becomes the haven I want it to be. Maybe it will be the year I find a schedule that works for me and brings me peace of mind. Maybe it will be the year I create a system for our finances that eases my worries.
It's about understanding what my heart needs and making it happen, inviting it into my life.
My life is not quite a blank canvas, but it's got lots of open space and I can easily paint over so many parts I don't like. I'm excited to see what the final creation looks like.
Approaching the new year understanding that I can define it is empowering.
Many years in the past I have been carried along like a twig in a current. Go with the flow. Wherever life takes me is where I'll be. No thought or effort to change my own direction, just reacting to things as they happen.
But a couple of years ago, when I decided to choose a word to define the year, a word for my focus, things began to change. My word was KINDNESS the first year and SEE the next. Both of those years were powerful and changed me in amazing ways. The one word for a year thing totally works for me.
I am so excited about my word for this year. I pondered all the things I want to change, all the things I want to do, all the ways I still need to grow. I pondered who I am and who I want to be. I pondered my world and what defines it. Many words came to mind as options. But eventually one floated to the top that encapsulates everything I want.
CREATE. My word for 2014 is create.
This is the moment in my life when I am ready to truly make my world what I want it to be, in so many facets. It fits where I am now. And where I want to go.
My vision is that I will examine my life and decide what I want it to be. I am usually so whatever in my life. I am a very content person, happy with whatever life hands me. And I think there is value in that. But there is also value in choosing. In making it what I want it to be.
It will be less about what I don't want and more about what I do. Not focusing on the things I want to change or get rid of but focusing on what I want my life to be. Less about getting rid of things and more about creating space. Less about not feeling bad and more about feeling good. Less about avoiding people who cause me stress and more about filling my life with people who bring me joy. Less about overcoming negative behaviors and more about establishing habits of good behaviors.
A big part of this will be examining my life (which I love and am good at) and figuring out what I want (which I'm not as good at).
I have already started, because I just couldn't wait. I've taken up a new art form (Zentangle). I've begun creating space in my home. But there's so much more room to create. I can't wait to see what this year will bring.
Maybe it will be the year I finally do the small remodel on the bathroom I've wanted to do for years. Maybe it will be the year I tackle the backyard and make it the oasis I want it to be. Maybe it will be the year my bedroom becomes the haven I want it to be. Maybe it will be the year I find a schedule that works for me and brings me peace of mind. Maybe it will be the year I create a system for our finances that eases my worries.
It's about understanding what my heart needs and making it happen, inviting it into my life.
My life is not quite a blank canvas, but it's got lots of open space and I can easily paint over so many parts I don't like. I'm excited to see what the final creation looks like.
Friday, December 28, 2012
Living in the First Person, Present Tense
2012 was the year of KINDNESS for me. It changed my life. It changed me. An entire year focused on one thing. Kindness. It was beautiful and glorious. And while I will carry kindness forward with me, I am ready to move on.
This coming year I want to SEE.
I tend to be task oriented. I get so focused on the task, the thing I am trying to accomplish, that I miss a lot. I want to see more.
I want to live in the first person, present tense. I want to be truly present in the events and moments of my life. I want to spend less time in the second person, worrying about what others do or should do. I want to spend less time in the third person, observing life happening around me. And I want to spend a lot less time in the past tense or future tense. I want to be here. Now.
Life is about moments. It's about people. It's about beauty. That's where the glory of life happens. But too often I miss it.
Instead of seeing the 360 degrees around me, I get stuck in tunnel vision. Instead of seeing the technicolor of life, it becomes a grayish blur in my peripheral vision because I can't take my eyes off what's in front of me.
I want to see the beauty of a moment. I want to rejoice longer as I watch my children enjoy each other's company. I want to mourn deeper with my friends who are struggling. I want to look more people in the eye and seek to understand. I want to see progress in myself and acknowledge it and be proud of it instead of focusing on all the things I still need to fix. I want to see purpose in the things I do by rote every day.
When I chose the word SEE to guide me in the next year, it felt so right. It makes complete sense in my mind and heart. It's about practicing mindfulness. It's about making moments mean more. It's about opening my heart wider.
I want to see with new eyes. I want to see divinely. I want to see as God sees.
I've had glimpses. I sense that there will be times when my heart is overwhelmed. I sense that I will cry more. I will admit that I am a little frightened to completely open my heart and feel fully. But I trust that this is the right next step.
And so, in faith I leap.
This coming year I want to SEE.
I tend to be task oriented. I get so focused on the task, the thing I am trying to accomplish, that I miss a lot. I want to see more.
I want to live in the first person, present tense. I want to be truly present in the events and moments of my life. I want to spend less time in the second person, worrying about what others do or should do. I want to spend less time in the third person, observing life happening around me. And I want to spend a lot less time in the past tense or future tense. I want to be here. Now.
Life is about moments. It's about people. It's about beauty. That's where the glory of life happens. But too often I miss it.
Instead of seeing the 360 degrees around me, I get stuck in tunnel vision. Instead of seeing the technicolor of life, it becomes a grayish blur in my peripheral vision because I can't take my eyes off what's in front of me.
I want to see the beauty of a moment. I want to rejoice longer as I watch my children enjoy each other's company. I want to mourn deeper with my friends who are struggling. I want to look more people in the eye and seek to understand. I want to see progress in myself and acknowledge it and be proud of it instead of focusing on all the things I still need to fix. I want to see purpose in the things I do by rote every day.
When I chose the word SEE to guide me in the next year, it felt so right. It makes complete sense in my mind and heart. It's about practicing mindfulness. It's about making moments mean more. It's about opening my heart wider.
I want to see with new eyes. I want to see divinely. I want to see as God sees.
I've had glimpses. I sense that there will be times when my heart is overwhelmed. I sense that I will cry more. I will admit that I am a little frightened to completely open my heart and feel fully. But I trust that this is the right next step.
And so, in faith I leap.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
What Will This Year Be?
I'm not big on marking the new year as some great day with a bunch of resolutions. I don't usually make resolutions. I used to and then just got angry with myself if I didn't follow through or felt like I had to continue even when it no longer fit my life. I'm always trying to change, trying to improve. I don't think I need a calendar to tell me today is the day to start.
Plus, I hate going along with the crowd. I've been known to not do something that everyone else is doing, even though I wanted to, because of it. But this time I am going to overcome that tendency (that's one goal right there -- done!). I am going to push through my natural rebel and start something today that I intend to continue. Maybe for the whole year.
A while back I saw something somewhere (don't you like how well I track my inspiration?). I think it was on a blog, but I really have no idea. This person chose a word to define the year. One word to use to guide them in all they did. Maybe to improve on. Maybe to notice more. Whatever.
I like this. And I'm choosing to do this. I don't know if it will be for the whole year or if I'll feel like choosing a new word in a month or if I'll just decide the whole thing is stupid and throw it out the window. I like to see how things go and switch it up when they don't work.
And, because I can take commitment in small doses, I am going to do something every day. I am going to find a quote, thought, maybe a scripture for my word each day and tweet it. That's it. I will commit to one tweet a day. I believe that is doable. And if I miss a day (which I shouldn't because that's really a small commitment that anyone should be able to follow through on), I will forgive myself and get over it.
My word for the year is KINDNESS. I want to practice it more. I want to notice it more. I want to feel it in my heart and to my toes more.
You can follow me on Twitter to share my experience. Or you can just come to my blog every now and then; my Twitter feed shows on my sidebar. Who knows? I might even write a blog post about it.
This will be a year of kindness.
I'd love to hear about how you're going to change the world this year (or just change yourself). Feel free to share.
**********
To see how it was going after a month click here.
To see what I learned through the year click here.
Plus, I hate going along with the crowd. I've been known to not do something that everyone else is doing, even though I wanted to, because of it. But this time I am going to overcome that tendency (that's one goal right there -- done!). I am going to push through my natural rebel and start something today that I intend to continue. Maybe for the whole year.
A while back I saw something somewhere (don't you like how well I track my inspiration?). I think it was on a blog, but I really have no idea. This person chose a word to define the year. One word to use to guide them in all they did. Maybe to improve on. Maybe to notice more. Whatever.
I like this. And I'm choosing to do this. I don't know if it will be for the whole year or if I'll feel like choosing a new word in a month or if I'll just decide the whole thing is stupid and throw it out the window. I like to see how things go and switch it up when they don't work.
And, because I can take commitment in small doses, I am going to do something every day. I am going to find a quote, thought, maybe a scripture for my word each day and tweet it. That's it. I will commit to one tweet a day. I believe that is doable. And if I miss a day (which I shouldn't because that's really a small commitment that anyone should be able to follow through on), I will forgive myself and get over it.
My word for the year is KINDNESS. I want to practice it more. I want to notice it more. I want to feel it in my heart and to my toes more.
You can follow me on Twitter to share my experience. Or you can just come to my blog every now and then; my Twitter feed shows on my sidebar. Who knows? I might even write a blog post about it.
This will be a year of kindness.
I'd love to hear about how you're going to change the world this year (or just change yourself). Feel free to share.
**********
To see how it was going after a month click here.
To see what I learned through the year click here.
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