Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Sex. Yes, Really.

Last week I posted an entry with Getting Intimate in the title.  Yes, it was a tease.  It lured some in with the belief that it would be about sex.  Of course, it wasn't.  And if you think sex is the only way to be intimate, you are really missing out.

But one of my friends called me out as a tease.  So I said that I would write a blog about sex.  Yes, it was kind of a rebellious, I can be bad, comment to him.  But I said I'd do it -- so here goes.

Now let me say that I have given this a lot of thought.  I have some teen readers.  I have some single readers who are more nervous reading this than the teens.  I pondered how and what I would write.  I don't want to offend anyone, but I also don't want to pull any punches because of my audience.

This will not be R rated.  But if you are under 18 and your parent or guardian would not be okay with you reading this, then it is your responsibility to respect that.  I will write this in the same way that I would address it with my kids.  However, I am more direct with my kids than most parents are, so I can't promise that you won't blush.

I could write salaciously, he touched her here and she felt this way.  But I won't.  Not only is that very much not my style, it's not how I feel about sex.  I want to write about sex as I see it.

Just the word makes many people uncomfortable.  It makes people giggle.  *nudge, nudge, wink, wink*  If you are one of those people, get it out of your system now.

Sex is not something base.  It is not ugly.  It is not bad.  It is not dirty.  It is important.  And not just for procreation.

Sexuality is a vital part of human nature; it's part of who we are.  Who we are meant to be.  And it is an important part of a couple's relationship.

Sex is not something you owe someone.  Not anyone.  Not ever.  Not when you are dating.  Not when you are a couple.  Not when you are married.  Not because they spent a lot of money on you.  Not because it's the next step.  Not because it's your job as a spouse.  Not because it's what they want. 

Sex is giving yourself to another person.  If it is taken from you or you give it unwillingly it will affect you negatively; I believe it will injure your soul.  It's more than physical.  It's more than mechanical.  It's psychological.  It's spiritual.  It's a part of you. 

Sex should never be demanded.  It should never be coerced through force, manipulation, or guilt.  Persuasion, maybe sometimes.  Coercion, never.

Sex can be an incredible thing.  It is the ultimate physical bonding, becoming one.  When two people choose to be intimate in this way, it can be a spiritual experience.  It is powerful.

But like all power, it must be used wisely or it can be dangerous.  It must be respected.  Because it is a part of you.

And you are worth it.

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Blogger Kazzy said...

You did a great job of teaching in this post. Thanks for being direct, yet gentle.

When someone gets married, but has never been told these things beforehand, it can take awhile to figure out. Just sayin'... ;)

April 22, 2010 at 6:34 AM  
Blogger K and D Roylance said...

Well said.

April 22, 2010 at 9:13 AM  
Blogger Gideon Burton said...

I read recently that women think about sex about once a day (or once every four hours when they are "most fertile"), and that men think about sex every 52 seconds pretty much year round. (Since it has taken me a couple minutes to write this response, I've thought about sex 2 times, but since your post was on the topic, it spiked to 4 times). All I'm saying is that men and women think about it differently because men and women think about it at far different frequencies. I think that changes everything.

April 22, 2010 at 11:24 AM  
Blogger Dona said...

I have had 24 hours to ponder your post and try to come up with a good response to it. Which I haven't, come up with one yet, except that I liked what you wrote. I want my children to read it, even the teenaged ones, so thanks for your post.

April 23, 2010 at 1:27 PM  
Blogger Jessica Grosland said...

Ew. Gross, Mom. Why do you have to be embarrassing on the internet where EVERYONE can see? (*winks*)

I remember talking to my friends in high school and realizing that you and Dad are a lot more candid about sex (without being crude) than any of my friends parents. They used to get wide, scared eyes when I'd say something they didn't know. Oh, to be young and clueless! (I'm lovin'it!)

April 23, 2010 at 2:47 PM  
Blogger misssrobin said...

Just to clarify, I checked with Gid. He was not saying that he disagrees. He was saying that men and women are different and that we need to respect that as we try to negotiate the waters.

@Gid: Just had a couple of people ask. Wanted to make sure you were represented properly.

April 23, 2010 at 11:38 PM  
Blogger alexis said...

i think it's so important for lds teens to have a straightforward talk about intimacy with their parents. there are so many bad influences out there, parents need to be the touchstone for reality. unfortunately, many parents neglect this responsibility because of their own discomfort with the subject. i can only hope that when my sons are old enough, my husband and i can be as candid (yet loving) as you were in this post. good job!

April 26, 2010 at 9:22 AM  
Blogger The Erin said...

And now it's Jess who gets wide, scared eyes when anybody mentions sex. ;) Oh how the tables have turned. It's true, my parents weren't very candid at all; in fact, I don't remember them ever saying anything about it. Though, were I still a kid I think I'd rather hear it indirectly from a blog post than face to face from my parents. Something we all need to learn at some point. No need to blush.

June 12, 2010 at 9:57 AM  
Blogger NatNat&Jack said...

Aunt Robin I love you. You Rock

June 21, 2010 at 12:02 PM  
Blogger kathryn said...

I like what you've written. Sex should never be an obligation. Nor should it ever be taken for granted. Always be true to yourself. Good luck with the 31 DBBB Challenge.

July 31, 2010 at 10:26 PM  
Blogger Debra said...

That was probably one of the most wonderful posts in a sexual nature that I have read. You really handled it beautifully and I agree with you. Love it!

September 1, 2010 at 2:06 PM  
Blogger DaisyGal said...

*WOW* ..that's my interpretation of this, it was well said, it was important, it was so truthful...and even at 40 I think I actually understand the power and seduction it has in our lives.

I loved this post.

September 20, 2010 at 8:48 AM  
Blogger Elissa said...

Well said

September 21, 2010 at 12:36 PM  
Blogger Sela Toki said...

Very enlightening. Gideon's comment though got me rolling in laughter. And I though it was only my husband that thinks Sex all the time. Sometimes I wondered about him. Now, through your post I'm enlightened then I'll just continue to ignore him. LOL.

October 14, 2011 at 6:38 AM  
Anonymous Betsy @ Romance on a Dime said...

I wonder how many pageviews you will have on this post, compared to the others.

I would venture to guess a much higher number (maybe especially after today). I think it will be a much higher number because, like you said sex is VERY important for spouses.

Thank you for all you said. Very well put.

October 14, 2011 at 12:16 PM  
Anonymous Felicia said...

Stopping by from Sits!! Great post on sex and sharing in a not so provocative way.

June 8, 2012 at 10:41 AM  
Blogger Tami Marie said...

Also stopping by from SITS. This was a fantastic post. Love your style of writing. You have a wonderful way with words.


June 10, 2012 at 12:31 AM  
Blogger Growing Tween said...

Wow! You did a great job of showing the importance of this and the power sex can have in different ways depending on the choices you make.

September 12, 2012 at 8:31 AM  
Anonymous homejobsbymom said...

Very nice. You wrote that so nice and tastefully

October 29, 2012 at 10:58 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I read your blog. I can not believe you put yourself out there Power to you! I just can't wrap my mind around reveling yourself with all the gossipy people in this little burg. Then I read your responses, this isn't at all like I thought these people were. They are human! There are many women out there that have very real issues and real problems. My question is "why do they all drive and walk around like Stepford wives?"

November 2, 2012 at 8:59 PM  
Blogger Jenn_i_am said...

After ten years of sex being bc he wanted it, being guilted, manipulated, coherst, and yelled at for not doing it I finally woke up and he has too but he isn't beyond pressuring me into it still bc he has a addiction and the goal isn't to go without it but control it so its wrong of me to not help him and others saying the same thing. I am not ready whys isn't that okay? Y bc I'm married do I have to? When I don't feel that love for him is it expected of me still? And what do I do?

January 1, 2013 at 1:28 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I wish people had responded to Jenn_i_am, as I'm in a similar situation :/ Not that I don't love my husband, but with old traumas, plus new traumas accidentally caused by my husband, I can't bring myself to be sexual until I work things out and heal. I've always been sexual only because the other person wanted it and insinuated an ultimatum - i.e. "I won't like you anymore if you don't let me/if you won't do _____" Husband used to be my safe place, and wouldn't make me do things I didn't want to do. Now, he has broken trust by pushing me and pushing me to do certain sexual things that I don't like or that trigger me, and getting all sorts of angry and sulky when I resist. Makes me feel like I'm right back to my childhood/teen years where if I didn't give people the sexual favors they wanted, then I was worthless and they'd abandon me. Especially since he is an impatient person in other aspects of life; who gets irritated when I take too long to do something or if I take too long to say something. Now, I barely speak about anything other than mindless chatter, pleasantries, or responses to things he's talking AT me about(ego stroking, laughing at his jokes, responding with sympathetic murmurs to his ranting about his job, etc). ESPECIALLY if I need to say anything longer than a sentence or two, otherwise he'll interupt me, or start ignoring me, or get angry and finish what i'm trying to say by assuming he already knows what I'm trying to say. Occasionally I break down and talk about how much he's hurt me by making me feel like I'm irritating and in the way all the time except when he wants sex, and we have this long heart ot heart, and he feels terrible and says he'll try to be less impatient with me...but it only lasts a week or two. Now, I'm trying to heal, trying to explain it to my husband, trying to put up boundaries, and have sex only when I actually want it...not just out of fear of abandonment or his anger, and he's making it so much worse, because he is still pressuring me and guilting me about not doing it even though I'm not ready. It's like he doesn't care if I'm ready or not; he has his "needs" and if I can't perform, then he gets mean and cold towards me in daily life....which makes me feel like there's nothing good or interesting about me other than my ability to take care of his sexual needs.....which triggers the root of my ptsd and low self esteem.....which makes it even harder for me to connect and feel safe enough with him to have sex, and makes me want to stick up for myself and my boundaries.....which makes him angry and resentful....which makes me feel like....etc etc etc. It's a vicious circle. How can I heal myself and my sexuality without sacrificing and traumatizing myself or losing my husband?

August 2, 2014 at 1:12 PM  

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