Why Haven't I Been Writing?

Maybe it's because I've started drawing and that's filling a creative need previously filled with writing.

Maybe it's because the pain medication I've been taking has sedated my brain, making it quiet.

Maybe it's because my energies have been occupied with urgent things.

Maybe it's because I am in a foggy place mentally.

Maybe it's because it's just not a writing time for me.

Who knows?  Whatever the reason, I hope the desire to write returns soon.  I miss that part of me.

The Best Thing I've Ever Written

Not this post.  A different post.  In fact, several different posts.  Because every now and then I write one of those posts.  And someone comments or sends me a message or tells me in person that what I've just published on my blog is the best thing I've ever written.

Those are good days, I'm not gonna lie.  I enjoy hearing that from people.  But how can multiple posts be the best thing I've ever written?

When I first got that comment I tried to analyze my post.  What had I done differently?  What made this post better than other posts?  How could I replicate that?

And I've learned that it's not all about me and what I put out there.  That's part of it.  But another part, maybe a more important part, is what's going on in the reader's life when they read what I've written.

Sometimes I write funny, although mine is generally a dry wit.  Sometimes I write tragedy.  Sometimes I write philosophical.  Sometimes I write spiritual.  I even occasionally write slap stick.  And any of these could be the best post I've ever written -- for you, at that time.

My writing is most powerful when it touches something within the reader.  Maybe I made you laugh about something you were taking too seriously in your own life.  Maybe I answered a question you had.  Maybe I helped you find the path you were looking for.  Maybe I inspired you to make a change.  Maybe I offered you hope or strength when you needed it most.  Maybe I pointed out something so obvious that you've always known but have never told yourself.  Maybe only one sentence from an entire post pierces your heart but was exactly what you needed that day.  Or maybe so many other things.

The more I've blogged, the more I've learned that the best writing is a collaborative effort between the writer and the reader even if we never talk to each other about it.  And I am so lucky when I get to know that magic happened because someone who read what I wrote told me it touched their heart.

I hope I have many more best posts in me.  I hope you are moved by what I write.  I am honored to experience the magic with you.

I'm NOT Writing a Book

Because I don't want to.

I know a lot of bloggers are.  I know many bloggers blog for this very reason, to work toward publishing a book.  And when I started blogging there was a part of me that hoped to be discovered and pursued by publishers.  A tiny, dreamy part.

Being pursued sounded nice.  Being wanted is cool.  But what comes next?  Okay, that part holds me up.

Right now I just don't have the burn to write a book.  It's not inside me itching to get out.  I don't ache to tell a story, at least not one I can't tell through blogging.  And that matters to me.  Writing needs to come from my gut.  I need to need to tell a story.  Or it's just not a satisfying and cathartic experience.  And that's what I want writing to continue to be for me.

I would love to have my words touch everyone, reach every corner of the world.  I really would.  But I don't think writing a book would make that happen.  I think writing a book would make my words and thoughts and experiences less accessible to those who may benefit from them most.

A book intimidates many people.  A blog is easier.  A book costs money.  A blog is free.  A book becomes too much about me.  My words are for everyone.

And as much as it makes my husband crazy, I don't want to be paid for my writing.  Yes, we could use the money.  Yes, I'd like to feel like I contribute something to our family budget.  But not through writing.

Writing is from my heart.  It's spiritual.  It's how I offer a piece of myself to the universe hoping to make it a better place.  I believe charging for it would cheapen it.  Would tarnish it.

Which is funny because I don't feel this way about other writers.  I have bought many books over the years and (almost) never felt like an author sold out because he/she put their writing into a book.  I've never felt writing had less value because it was bound and sold.  I don't look down on or judge people who make money off their writing.

It's just not for me.  I may change my mind some day.  But today, my words are free.  And I offer them to you.

Feedback on Your Blog

Honest feedback is important.  Having people in your life who can look at something objectively and tell you the truth is so valuable.  As women, we sometimes struggle giving or receiving feedback well.  We tip-toe around the truth to not be hurtful.  We get hurt when someone answers directly a question we asked.  I am a firm believer that if you don't really want a truthful answer, you shouldn't ask the question.  Especially to me.

I believe truth is power.  Knowledge is power.  Going along living your life thinking everything is wonderful because all the little minions around you are telling you how great you are is not wonderful.  It might feel good for a while, but it's fake.  And it does nothing for your growth.

I thought about this today as I answered a request for feedback on someone's blog.  It was fun for me, although it was tough, too.  I worried that I would say something that would hurt her feelings.  But at the same time, I saw such potential for growth.  I truly felt like I was helping her see things she was missing.  I don't expect her to change everything I said I didn't like.  She might choose to change none of them.  But having this feedback gives her options she might not have known she had.

I really feel like the most important thing about blogging is to know why you are doing it.  Are you doing it as a family history?  Are you doing it because all of your friends are doing it?  Are you doing it because writing makes you happy?  Are you doing it to make money?  Are you doing it to shut your brain up (that would be me)?  Are you doing it in the hopes of getting a book deal?  Are you doing it to connect with others online?

There are so many reasons people blog.  Maybe you blog for a reason I didn't mention.  Maybe you blog for several reasons.  We usually have a primary goal and secondary goals, even when we aren't really aware of them.  But until you know why you blog, you can never know if your blog is successful.  If you don't know what your actual goals are how will you know when you reach them?

And once you know what your goals are it's important to know what's standing in the way.  That's where honest feedback comes in.

I work very hard not to give feedback unless it's asked for.  If I see a problem on your blog, I probably won't tell you (unless you're my daughter and it's a typo).  But I love to give feedback when asked.

So I am making this offer today.  If you've ever wanted someone to look over your blog and tell you what you can improve on, send me an email or let me know in a comment.  I'd be happy to look it over and give you honest feedback.  Because we can all use a little more truth in our lives.

Oh, and I welcome any feedback you might have for me as well.

**********
Some recent health issues have made it increasingly difficult for me to fulfill this offer to everyone who asked.  I apologize if I didn't get to your blog.  I ask your forgiveness and wish you well in your blogging efforts.

Tag -- I'm It!

For those of my friends who read my blog but aren't really part of the blogging universe, I should explain something.  There are all kinds of elements to the blogging world that I was totally unprepared for when I started. 

One of these things is kind of like a game.  People make up rules, ask questions, and then tag each other.  If you get tagged you are supposed to answer the questions, follow the rules, and tag other people.  It's kind of like a chain letter.

I tried to play along once, early on.  It felt forced and silly.  It just didn't feel like me.

And, yet, here I am again.  I have refused to play many times since.  So why am I going to play now?

I really like Lisa, the lady who tagged me.  I thought it might be fun to post some random information about myself.  And I have no intention of following the rules.

Since answering questions is easier than coming up with my own random stuff tonight I'm going to answer the questions (although they aren't all really questions) she was asked as well as the ones she asked me.

Last book you read?  Toxic Parents by Susan Forward

Favortie song right now? Never Alone by Lady Antebellum (for the song itself and because a friend gave it to me)

Favorite place to shop?  I hate shopping.  I do like hardware stores and office supply stores, but I don't plan my days around going there like it's some kind of special event.

Best purchase ever?  Therapy!  (No, I'm not kidding.)

Most embarrassing moment, please?  I've blocked most of these from memory.  I once tripped running up the stairs in the high school hall while carrying two 32-ounce drinks.  That was pretty embarrassing.

First kiss story?  I was about seven; neighbor boy was six.  I ran home to tell my mom, who was on the phone, and was waved off with a "That's nice, dear."

Grossest food you've ever eaten?  Rocky Mountain Oysters.  (It's what's left over after they castrate bulls -- there are no actual oysters involved.)

What is your next vacation?  No idea.  I'm not big on vacations.

Favorite blog that you follow?  My daughter's, Singing Devil.

Celebrity you'd most like to punch in the face?  I'm not really a face puncher.  I'm more of a rock thrower.  I'd like to throw rocks at lots of people.

Something you LOVE that you're embarrassed about?  Goldfish crackers.  I'm not really embarrassed that I love them but about how many of them I eat.

On average, how many texts do you send/receive a day?  I'd guess 20-30.  I mostly text with my kids.

Are you a back/side/belly or fetal position sleeper?  Side sleeper.  (Interesting fact:  I do not move in my sleep.  I go to sleep in one position and wake up in the exact same position.  That means I wake up about every 2-3 hours because my body hurts so bad and I need to roll over.)

Your true feelings on Facebook?  I love the fact that I've reconnected with so many people from high school and my further past.  I hate the time suck.  And I hate how emotional it makes people if I don't pay enough attention to them or like their status updates.

If you had a whole day to spend by yourself, what would you do?  I have most of most days to myself.  I spend a lot of time on the computer.  Sometimes I read.  Mostly I sleep.

Favorite smell?  Fresh mown grass; wet hay and/or alfalfa fields; the street right after a summer rainstorm; babies fresh from a bath; my husband's and my son's deodorant; campfire; Pine Sol; Downy; baby powder; lilacs; violets; watermelon -- there are so many!

The pet peeves you never talk about?  Bad human smells.  Gas I can ignore -- it goes away.  Body odor and bad breath?  Not good.  (Did I mention I have a very strong sense of smell?)

What does your closet look like?  My closet is one area I haven't gotten to yet in my big purge.  It's filled with boxes and baskets full of things for me to sort, mostly papers.  I might have some clothes in it.  I'm not sure because I haven't opened it in a while.

Makeup staple you can't live without?  I don't wear makeup, but I couldn't live without Carmex!

Do you really floss and brush twice or three times a day?  I brush before I leave the house or spend time with others; I don't want to be the one with bad breath.  If I am in a time when I don't get out of bed for a couple of days, I probably don't brush my teeth either.  I floss when I have food stuck between my teeth, which is more often since I got my wisdom teeth out a couple of years ago.

Favorite name for a girl?  Favorite girl name that I didn't use:  Zoey.

If you're a blogger and want to play, go ahead.  It's kind of fun.  But I'm not going to tag you.  I am the party pooper who kills all chain letters.

The Center of Attention

As a kid, I loved being the center of attention. Anything I could do to be in the spotlight, I did. Sing a song. Dance. Tell a joke. Do a cartwheel. Whatever.

Somewhere along the line, this desire waned. No longer did I enter a room loudly declaring my presence ("I'm here! The party can start now!"). I kind of stealthed in. Trying to find somewhere to sit or someone to talk to so that I didn't stand out. Trying not to be noticed.

How did this happen?

As children we come into this world with great energy and no fear. The world quickly puts a stop to that silly nonsense. Over time we learn that when we shine others sometimes try to squelch our glory. When we put ourselves out there in the public eye we open ourselves up to criticism and ridicule. We make our offering and it is sometimes rejected as inadequate. We learn that the cost of attention is sometimes too high -- it costs us a bit of our self-worth.

I no longer hide from the spotlight, but I usually don't seek it either.

So why do I blog?

I started blogging at a difficult time in my life, while I was in therapy. I found that writing things out helped clarify my thoughts and helped me process things. It helped me find truths I was hiding from myself. Writing works for me.

But choosing to publish my writings on a blog took a lot of pondering and soul searching. I just wasn't sure I wanted to put it all out there.

I tip-toed into blogging. I began writing without telling anyone. Then I told a couple of people. And I was surprised to find that others enjoyed my writing. Others found value and strength in the things I was learning and sharing. The things I wrote made people think and started conversations. To me, this increased the value of my writing.

Plus, it's fun to get nice comments.

My blogging has evolved. There are fewer therapy sessions but still plenty of philosophical ideas. There are more family stories. As I have moved through that painful time to a happier place, my blog has reflected this.

But I still don't use pictures.

**********
Today is my day to shine. I am the featured blogger on SITS (a wonderful blogging community that teaches, supports, and connects bloggers). If you are visiting me for the first time, welcome. I hope you feel comfortable here. Check out my About the Author and About the Mess pages -- they have pictures!

I usually stink at replying to comments, but for this day only I promise that if you leave a comment I will reply and/or visit your blog in return.

I Walk in Faith . . . Believing

I wondered if this day would come.  If there would come a time when I needed another outlet.  It has.

I started a new blog.  A blog about faith.  My faith.  I offer my heart and my thoughts.  Join me if you wish, but no pressure.

I Walk in Faith . . . Believing.

I Refuse to Apologize

No, this isn't about my husband.  I usually don't apologize to him because I'm right and he's wrong.  Right, honey?  (That was a joke, by the way.)

This is about blogging.

I read a bunch of blogs.  I currently have about 65 that I'm subscribed to.  Few of them post every day.  Some almost never post.  I read most of those posts; I comment on very few of them.

There is one thing I see over and over that bugs me.  Apologies.  Apologies bug me because it seems like these bloggers are questioning themselves, whether they are enough with what they offer.  It feels like they believe they are inadequate as they are.  That they need to constantly dance to keep their followers happy.  These bloggers apologize constantly.   (No, not all of them.  But enough that it seems like all the time.)  I probably read a post with an apology at least once a week.  And in the blogging realm I think I am much less involved than others so I'm sure there are more out there. 

If I hurt someone's feelings through something I say, I am sorry.  And I will say so if I know that I hurt them.  But there are very few things about my blog other than that for which I will apologize.

I will not apologize for:
*not commenting on every blog I read
*not replying to every comment I receive
*not posting when you think I should
*not writing about what you think I should
*not using pictures on my blog
*dropping blogs that no longer appeal to me
*not blogging in the way you think I should, whatever way that is
*choosing my real life over an e-life

This is my blog.  I will decide how to use it. 

This blog is not my life.  I will not surrender my life to the internet and/or my followers.  When I am old and gray I hope to be surrounded by my family not my blog posts. 

Please do not read this post and think about all the things you're doing wrong (if you're a blogger).  Please do not feel like I am judging you.  I am not.  And because I am not, there is no need to apologize.  You don't owe me anything.  If I read your blog it is because I like what you write.  I consider your writing to be my reward for reading.  I don't need to be wooed or babysat.  Neither of those things will keep me coming back like good content.

Just be who you are, even on your blog.  Write what you want, when you want.  Authenticity in a blog will get you so much further ahead than pandering.

Dear Diary

I often see bloggers begin a post with an apology for having been absent for a while.  When I see this it reminds me of how like a diary a blog can be.  I remember as a teen that most of my diary entries started the same way.

I've never been a good journal keeper.  I have friends and family who are so good at taking note of what's happening in their lives, who write in a journal religiously.  My entries were sporadic, but I tried.  I have a few recorded memories of those difficult years when everything is wrong and the world just doesn't understand you.

Today I have chosen to share one.  I do this mostly for my daughter who is just leaving that time of her life.  So that she can know that I struggled with similar things.  And so she can laugh at my drama.

This entry would have been during my junior year in high school, shortly before I turned 17.  I typed it exactly as it appeared, including punctuation mistakes and lost focus.

November 29, 1986
I think I'm going to go insane.  I'm still waiting for a letter from Kevin and my "dad" and I just had another fight.

He probably doesn't even know we've had a fight.  He just told me another flaw he doesn't like about me is that I'm getting sarcastic.  I wish he'd notice something good in me for a change.  It seems like he's only pleased with me once a year.  Last year it was my "Outstanding Sophomore Award" and this year it's my stupid grades.

While once a year he notices a good thing he points out hundreds of mistakes, I already know about, the rest of the year.  It'll be so good when Ryan comes home because I'm going to stay with my Grandma Conover so that Kay can have my room.

It'll be great to get away from my dad & Chris for two weeks, off & on.  They drive me totally insane on a day to day basis.

I think I'm going to die if I don't get a letter from Kevin soon.  I've been living the past week just waiting for the mail so that I could see if it had come yet.

I seem to be getting depressed more and more lately.  I don't know why.  Maybe it's all the pressure I'm getting from my parents.  My mom doesn't even realize that she pressures me, too.

I mean they're so happy when I get good grades that I'm scared to let them know if I really start having problems.

I've been thinking about Kevin all the time lately and I don't know what I'm going to do.  I'm in an awful situation.  I don't know how he feels and I don't know how I feel.  Our relationship is going to be almost frozen for the next two years.  Oh, that sounds like such a long time.  I'm gonna die!

Love Always,
Robin

Thanks for the Sting

Every now and then I receive a comment on my blog that bugs me.  I can't really put my finger on why.  What is it about that comment that irritates me so?  Makes me feel like I need to defend myself?  It wasn't mean, exactly.  So why did it sting?

Well, today I think I finally found my answer.  I got my first truly snotty comment.  It was on an older post.  And a fairly popular one.  It felt like a slap in the face.  A moment of shock.

But there was beauty to it as well.  You see, it was written in a way that helped me figure out what had been bugging me about those other comments.  And in such a way that it showed the insecurities of the woman writing it.  It was obviously her issue and she was projecting.  I am grateful for that.  Because it was so evident in hers, I can see it in others' as well.

So what was it?  What is it that bugs me so much in those comments?  It's someone else assuming that they know what my motivations are.  It's someone else telling me how I feel.  It's someone else putting words into my mouth.  Basically, it's all the childish arguments I've had over the years with people who would rather attack me than argue their point.  It's not debate.  It's not stating your opinion and backing it up.  It's saying, "You don't agree with me so you're stupid!"

I've had way too much experience with this kind of arguing.  Too often I don't see it when it happens.  I am hurt and can't figure out why.  I feel defensive.  I feel like a little girl being chastised for not being good enough.  I feel like I'm being told that everything that's wrong is my fault.

And those are my issues.

But because this woman took the time to comment, in all her snarky glory, I was able to see it.  I was able to see that when a person attacks like this, it's not about me.  It's about them.  And just because they blame me or think I am stupid it doesn't mean I am.  They may throw the label out there but I don't have to choose to wear it.

So if any of you have the need to tell me how I feel, you may.  And I will not argue with you.  You can just be wrong.  And I can be right.  And I don't have to prove to you that I am right or defend myself.  It's okay if I'm the only one who knows.

To that wonderful woman who gave me this gift this morning, thank you.  It may not have been what you intended, but it turned out great for me.  Good luck to you as you work through your insecurities.  I hope some day you can receive a similar slap in the face that helps you become the person you want to be.  And I said that in all kindness and sincerity.

Thanks for the sting.

You're Much Happier in Person

Recently, as part of an improve-your-writing challenge, I asked for feedback on my writing.  A few brave souls trusted that I meant it (I did) and offered some.  Kudos to you for your bravery.  And thank you.

To me, feedback is like telling someone they have spinach in their teeth.  It might be awkward, but it helps them avoid future embarrassment.  I believe you should ask a person if they want feedback before offering it (unless they ask you for it).  And I believe feedback and criticism are two very different things.  It's not feedback if you are telling them about something you don't like that they have no way to fix.  It's not feedback if it's meant to hurt or tease or make you look better than them.

One thing that a couple of people told me was that I seem much happier in person than I come across in my writing.  That my writing seems darker than I really am.

Being the introspective person that I am, I thought about this.  Is it true?  Am I misrepresenting myself in my writing?  Am I misrepresenting myself in person?  Why don't these two personas align?

Like most things in life, it's complicated.

While I would like to be incredibly genuine at all times, sometimes I still put on a happy face when I'm out.  Not as much as I used to.  Not to people I trust.  Usually just in passing or with people I don't really know.  Or if I'm not up to talking about what's bothering me. 

And then there's the fact that if I'm outside of my house, I'm probably feeling better.  If I feel better then I'm happier.  It's that simple.

Plus, being with people, especially certain people, makes me happier, too.

I can also be more intimate in my writing than I can in everyday situations.  There just aren't that many opportunities to sit and chat for hours with a friend.  Privately so I can get it all out without worrying about being judged or others overhearing.  Writing serves that purpose for me.  Writing is very intimate.  I can say what I feel without anyone else's emotions coloring it.  And things come out in my writing that I might not have known about myself, that I might not have even known I was feeling.

When I don't feel well I stay home.  I stay in my room.  Just me and my computer.  That leaves more writing time.  When I feel well I am out and about and don't have as much time (or need) to write.

I also feel a need to capture the dark times.  For me and for others.  It's so difficult to communicate those feelings to others.  It's difficult to remember them when they pass.  But it's important to try, if only so others know they are not alone.

All of that said, I know my writing has been darker for a long period of time (until maybe the last week or two).  I have been in a darker place.  One that won't break.  But even in the midst of this I don't feel sad most of the time.  People sometimes think that because I write about dark feelings I am sad.  That's not always the case.  I have sad moments and happy moments, just like everyone else.  Some are just longer than others.  I don't think my life is horrible or tragic.  I also don't think it's peaches and cream.

Realizing that my writing has been dark, I have asked myself if I should write more positively anyway -- in spite of how I feel.  No one has asked me to do this.  But some people do miss my positivity.  (It didn't feel like criticism, just that the other me was missed.)  Maybe my dark writing will drive people away.

Trust me.  I have thought about this a lot.

And this is my conclusion.  I will watch for this in my life.  I will watch for more positive things.  I will look for happy.  And I will make it a point to try to write when I am in a better place.

But I won't fake it.  As much as I love having other people read my writing, it's not really for you.  It's for me.  If it is meeting your needs and not mine, then it's just not worth it to me anymore.

And that's another thing that's beautiful about feedback.  You can examine it, weigh it, and decide what you want to do with it.  Implement all, some, or none of it.  Without this freedom it loses it's power.

About the Mess

You may have noticed there's another little tab above this post.  Hopefully, this is my last housekeeping job on my blog for a while.  I don't write a lot about my family, especially not details, or post pictures of them.  However, I decided to do a simple introductory page for those who have asked.  You will find a picture and description of each person I live with at About the Mess.  Enjoy it -- it's all you're going to get.

My Favorite Blogger

I read a lot of blogs.  And there are some incredible writers out there.  Some fabulous storytellers.

But if you were to ask who my favorite is, it would be an easy choice for me.  My favorite blogger is also my favorite author.  And she's got years ahead of her to keep filling my life with entertainment and wisdom.

My favorite blogger is Singing Devil.  And, yes, I will admit that I am biased.  She is my oldest daughter.  She has not branched out into the blogging community, so she doesn't have many followers.  That is sad, because she is such a great writer.  She has been published a couple of times.  And I have no doubt that she will eventually produce several works for commercial consumption.

She is currently on a countdown toward her 20th birthday.  She is also going to college full time and works as a custodian at 4:00am.  She's busy and a little crazy.  She's also brilliant.

If you're looking for something a little different, please visit her.  I think you'll be glad you did.

About the Author

The SITS activity for this week is to rewrite my About Me page using the tips provided (see here).  Since I didn't have an About Me page, I figured this would be a good time to put one together.  I even put a picture of me on it.

So, above this post, there is now a bar of tabs.  One of these is About the Author.  Check it out.

As always (during this month of exercises, at least), feedback is welcome.

A Little Housekeeping

No, I'm not going to write about housekeeping.  If you thought that, you really don't know me.

I just want to let people know what is coming up on my blog.  I generally steer clear of conducting business on my blog, but I don't want people to misunderstand.

I have a lot of followers who aren't bloggers.  People who follow me because they know me and like me.  Or my train wreck of a life is entertaining.  Whatever.  I want to clear some things up for them.  Because if there's one thing I've learned in the past year that I've been blogging it's that blogland has it's own set of guidelines and it's own language.

Now if you know me, you know that I'm not a stickler for following the rules.  Commandments and laws, yes.  Societal rules and expectations, not so much.

So as I've been adjusting to this new blog world, I've picked and chosen which rules I'd live by.  I've avoided a bunch of the everybody does it areas.  Because they weren't me.  And if I can't be me on my blog then I won't play anymore.  I'll take my ball and go home.

But I have participated in a few things.  One of those is a blogging community called SITS.  It's all about developing yourself as a blogger and connecting up with other bloggers.  It's about supporting each other.

Truthfully, I've boycotted a bunch of the activities they do.  Just not my thing.  But this month they are all about writing.  It's Content is King month.  That's something I can get on board with.

In particpating in this event, I am choosing to do several of the suggested activities -- all with my flavor.  I will do two of them here and one on my other blog (heavier topic).  That's this week.  Who knows what next week will bring?

The focus for this week is Finding Your Voice.  I think this is something I'm generally pretty good at.  But I usually pick my topics.  Doing this with someone else's prompts may be a challenge.

This month is all about improved writing, so I am throwing out an open invitation.  If you have feedback for me, please share it.  If you see things I could improve on, please tell me.  I'm open.  I promise we'll still be friends afterward.

On with the challenge.

Hee-eere's Robin!

Old Tonight Show reference.  You probably don't get it unless you're over 35.  (It might make a little more sense after you read my post -- so go check it out.)

I am guest posting today over at depressions and confessions.  (I can't capitalize it because she doesn't.  It's kind of making me nuts not capitalizing it, but I'll try to let it go.)

depressions and confessions (okay, that one really makes me crazy because it's at the beginning of a sentence) is written by Alexis, a beautiful and very intelligent young woman.  No wonder people are afraid of her.

She is direct and will discuss anything and everything.  She's struggled with depression and believes it's important to discuss mental health issues, to take away some of the stigma.  Remind you of anyone you know?

Maybe that's why I enjoy her blog so much.  If she has an opinion, she shares it.  She doesn't apologize for it.  And she welcomes differing opinions (but please try to be respectful about it).  She's open about her life and her flaws. 

I love her Awkward Thursday posts where she writes about things that may be tough for some.  One of my favorites is self-sabotage and the modern woman.  Another important post was the life that might have been, about her miscarriage.  A topic too many people understand personally.  And her favorite recent post is marriage before midgets, or how she chooses to put her marriage first.

Some of her writings get people all stirred up.  I love her no-apologies, make-you-think style.  I think you will, too.

And if you're new to my blog, welcome.  It's pretty easy to navigate.  My favorite posts are over there on the top right corner.  Make sure you read the Warning and About Me boxes so you know what you're getting yourself into.  My blog is where I empty my head.  These are some of the things my blog will never be/have.  I'm known to get a little snarky.  I also fight depression on a semi-regular basis; sometimes I win, sometimes not so much.  I try to keep the heavier mental health issues on my other blog, The Difficult Things.

If I haven't driven you off yet, stay a while and take a look around.  Welcome to my world.  And don't mind the mess.

I Got a Little Distracted

So I guess I got a little distracted with that annoyance I like to call life.  I say this because I had another post go up at Smartly two days ago and kind of missed it.  It's a repost of Real Simple for the Barely Functioning.  If you haven't read it or it's been a while, pop over and read it.

Also, a heads up.  Check back tomorrow.  I'm doing a guest post for another blogger.  I will have the details here Saturday.  If you haven't read her stuff, and lots of you have, you'll want to check her out.  I mean, check out her blog.

Please excuse this confused interruption. 

Things My Blog Will Never Be/Have

I have been participating in the blogosphere (why does that word make me cringe?) for several months now.  Let me just say, I have learned a lot.

There are a lot of fantastic writers out there.  People who will never be published in a book, but who have awesome stories to tell and tell them well.  I swear real life is so much more interesting than fiction.

But there are also, um, how do I put this?  There are also a few . . . who struggle . . . to connect with . . . reality.  Maybe that works.  This post isn't about these people. 

I'm not talking about mental illness or those who blog about it.  I love these blogs.  These are truth at its most raw.  Open and vulnerable.  Striving to find the surface while life tries to pull them under.  I connect with these blogs.

And, if you're reading, I'm sure I'm not talking about your blog.  I'm sure it's wonderful.  And I'm sure that you will know and understand that all of these things I'm about to gripe about don't bug me when you do it on your blog.  You rock!

Blogging is so much more than I knew when I started.  It's a bunch of social networks, among other things.  Not like in high school.  Not full of cliques.  It's all about support.  So many of these blogs are written by women.  And all of us women know that women just don't get the praise they need and deserve, so the networks strive to provide some.  And they are wonderful.  I've picked up some new readers this way that have added to my experience.

But there are also things that kind of bug me.  Okay, they irritate me.  I understand why people do them, and I will keep reading the blogs that have them, but I will not have them on my blog.  Deal with it.

Ads:  I understand the need or desire to make money from blogging.  And more power to you if you choose to go this route -- I hope you make lots of money.  But my blog is about writing.  It's mostly for my own enjoyment.  I like my writing.  I like reading my writing.  And I'm big on sharing so you can read it, too.  But sometimes those ads on other blogs get so distracting that I'm tempted not to go there anymore.  They flash.  They scroll.  They show close ups of body parts that I both try to identify and try not to look at.  I've finally had to change the size of my window at some blogs so that only the post shows.  My peripheral vision is just too good.  That thing that flashes or scolls gives me a headache.

Memes:  I'm not positive about the definition of this one.  I think it's like a writing game that one person starts and all of their followers participate in and then they all link up to each others' posts.  Is that right?  Sometimes it's a bunch of questions.  Sometimes it's 100 words on such and such a topic.  Reading one person answer a bunch of questions might be fun.  I get bored part way through the second one.  There's no way I'm going on to the third one.  I understand others like this.  They must or it wouldn't be so prevelent.  You guys have fun.

Awards:  Okay, I tried this one once.  It didn't fit.  It wasn't me.  Different bloggers make up different awards and design a button and rules for it.  Then they give it out to other people.  These people follow the rules and pass it on to other people.  It's part of the giving praise thing.  I understand that it's fun to get an award, but this one just feels too much like chain mail for me. 

Writing Prompts:  Some blogs provide pictures, questions, quotes to use as writing prompts.  Something to get you started.  I understand the need for this.  I have been at that point where I just don't have anything to write about.  For me, I've learned that at that point it's best not to push it.  If I write during that time it just comes out forced.  I know some people have the desire to write regularly as an exercise to keep their writing muscles strong.  I don't feel this need.  I have enough things in my life that I have to force myself to do, writing is fun for me.  When it becomes work it is no longer satisfying.

Daily Themes:  Hmm.  How do I illustrate this without offending anyone?  I probably can't.  Forget about it Friday.  Weather Wednesday.  Toy of the moment Tuesday.  (I made those up, by the way.)  It's all about the alliteration in the title.  And something to write about.  A few of these I love, like Musical Monday at Kazzy's Ponderings.  But mostly they just seem cheesy to me.  Like I can't come up with stuff to write about on my own.  Plus, I don't want to commit to writing every Thursday.

Family Stories/Pictures:  In fact, pictures of any kind.  At first this was just because I knew that having to find and link pictures would be tedious and make it so that I didn't write as much.  I don't want my blog to be a journal or a family update or a mommy blog or a travelogue or a food blog or a craft blog or anything of the kind.  I like these blogs.  I follow several of them regularly.  I enjoy the pictures and the stories that remind me why I'm glad my kids are finally growing up.  But that's not what I want to do.  I want to write.  I want to think.  I want to share my conclusions or lack thereof.

Giveaways:  Why would I create more work for myself?  I'm not going to buy followers.  If you read my stuff, that makes me happy.  If you don't, I'm okay with that.  You do what works for you.  Giveaways will never be found here.  And I don't participate in them on anyone else's blogs either.  If you missed my post on shopping, go back and read it.  I have more than enough stuff.  I hate stuff.  Anything more than necessary to live is too much for me.  Why would I enter a contest to try to win more?

Begging for Comments:  I understand the need for validation.  It is a natural human need.  It feeds our souls when someone tells us good things about ourselves.  But if I have to beg for comments it's like begging for a compliment from my husband.  It just doesn't mean as much and isn't entirely believable.  That's just me.  If you long for comment-love so much that you want to ask for it, go ahead.  I've never been good at asking for things and I'm not going to start begging now.  I love comments, mostly because then I know who's reading.  But if you aren't so inclined I will love you still the same.

Girliness/Gushing:  I wrote one post about how much I love people.  That's as gushy as I get.  If you ever read one of my posts and hear giggling, squealing, and perky girliness then go back and read it again.  You read it WRONG.

What you will find on my blog.  Strange ramblings with way too many metaphors and similes.  Things that make you glad you don't actually know me in person.  Thoughts that seem like they came from someone who doesn't get out much (which, I guess sometimes, I really don't).  Variety that leads you to believe that not all of my mental illnesses have been diagnosed yet.  And a profile picture that is a gargoyle.

These things are me.  My blog is me.  I have spent way too much of my life trying to be what others want.  I'm not going to let that happen here.

Lots of people love all of these things.  And that is part of the beauty of the blogging world; there's something for everyone.  I was not talking about your blog, trust me.

If I offended you, go back and read the warning at the top of my blog.  I kind of knew I would.

*****
Author's Note:  As my friend, Kazzy, so kindly reminded me -- it drives me crazy when music automatically starts as I'm trying to read a blog.  I usually had my sound up to listen to something else and it startles me no matter how great the music is.  Not a pleasant experience.  Scaring me is not a good way to get me to follow you.

A Slight Change of Plans

I did not want this blog to become a heavy, dark, therapeutic place.  On my present course it has great potential to be that and only that.  So in an effort to remain true to my original vision of this blog, while still remaining true to my desire to write about the tough stuff and possibly help someone, I have decided to create a new blog.

This blog will go back to being eclectic.  A little of this, a little of that.  My other blog will be for the hard stuff.

I will continue to announce new blog posts for this blog on my facebook status.  I will not do so for my new blog.  You can access my new blog through my profile, through the link under Cool Blogs I Follow, or here.

That feels better to me.

Changed My Mind

I'm going back to blogging when I feel like it.

I've done the five days a week thing.  It just didn't work for me. 

Yes, I can write that often.  Even when I don't feel like it.  I can push myself.  I can set my own schedule and stick to it.  It was good to know this about myself.

But I don't like it.  I feel rushed.  It doesn't bring me the same joy.  I'm a fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants, make-it-up-as-I-go, bohemian type.  I don't like feeling obligated.

Turns out, structure isn't really my thing.

I want to feel what I write instead of feeling like I am doing an assignment.  That's why when I want to learn something I read about it or study it instead of taking a class.

My days of answering to someone else are over.  I don't need grades to tell me whether I've learned something or not.

And I don't need consistency.  Not in this.

Back to the unpredictable -- where I am comfortable.