A Year of Run

What an interesting year 2016 was.  So many changes in my life.  So many tough things, some of which got better, others which got worse.

But a very important thing happened in 2016.  Something I never expected.  Something that kind of sneaked up on me.  Something that's changed me for the rest of my life.

In 2016, I became a runner.

In a nutshell, I'd been unhealthy for years.  All kinds of medical struggles.  They weren't dangerous, just life-inhibiting.  In 2014 some things changed in my life which improved my physical and mental health.  More changes happened in 2015, which enabled me to begin walking.  Really walking.  For miles and miles and miles.  With zero intention of running.  Zero desire to run.

Until my third 5k.  I'd done my first one entirely walking, except those last 20 yards; gotta push across the finish line, right?  My second one, I added just a little running here and there.  Basically just enough to beat my time from my first one.  By the time I got to my third one, I knew I'd have to run a significant amount to improve my time.  This was all in the summer and fall of 2015.

I think I ran about a third of that last one - run until you can't breathe, walk until your heart stops pounding to the point you think it will explode, repeat.  It was incredibly difficult.  I couldn't walk the few blocks home, because I'd injured myself by pushing so hard.  And I remember thinking in that moment, "I want to run!"

It took several months of resting a little, going back to it too soon, injuring myself again before I really took healing myself seriously.

At the end of 2015, a year of HEALing, it was time to choose a new word.  I don't do New Year's resolutions.  I choose one word.  One word to guide my year.  Sometimes it's a lot of work to choose my word.  I have so many ideas run through my head.  Several of them would fit.  God and I have to talk it over for a while before I settle on one.

Last year wasn't like that.  I immediately knew what I wanted.  I wanted RUN.  I wanted to run!  But I fought it.  It seemed like such a narrow focus.  How could it possibly govern my year?  How could it affect my spiritual life?  How could I use it to govern my relationships?  How shallow a word was that to choose?!

But when I took it to God, He said it was perfect!  I still didn't know how it would play out, but I trusted it would.

It did.

I ran.

I am a runner.

Let me say that again - I AM A RUNNER!

I don't run fast or far, but I run.  And I love it!  I never, ever thought about running before.  In fact, I mocked my friends who ran.  Why would I torture myself like that?  But then I did it.

Running makes me feel powerful.  Running makes me feel cleansed.  Running makes me feel free.  Running makes me feel alive!  Running is and does so many things.

In years past, when I've reviewed my year through the eyes of that One Word, I've looked at the ways it had an impact on all those individual areas of my life.  When I chose RUN as my word, I expected to look back and see how I let it inspire me to RUN to Jesus or RUN to or from this or that.  But it didn't.  And I've learned something.

I've learned that God doesn't compartmentalize.  I do.  I'm the one who sees my physical health, emotional health, financial health, relational health, mental health, spiritual health, etc. separately.  God sees me.

I've learned that any progress in a positive direction is spiritual progress.  Because everything is spiritual.  I am a spiritual being, so my entire life experience is spiritual.

Progress in a positive direction makes me more whole.  Running makes me more whole.  God knew that.  And He knew that it was good.

One Word - RUN

Each year I choose a word.  One word to define the year.  No specific goals really.  Just a direction.  A focus.

Last year my word was HEAL.  This year it's RUN.

I take my time choosing my word.  I think about it.  I ponder it.  I pray about it.  I spend a good long time observing my life, myself, the world.  And, eventually, it comes to me.

The thing is, my word is all-encompassing.  It's about every part of my life.  It's about physical, emotional, spiritual - everything.  So it's usually a word that can be used in many different ways, that can mean many different things.

RUN is different.  At least I think it is.

I never know how a word will play out.  I choose it at the beginning of the year; then at the end of the year I review.  I'm always amazed at how the word fits into all the little corners of my life.  If you read my post about last year's word, you'll see what I mean.

But right now, at this point in the year, I still can't see how my word is going to be anything but physical.

That's okay.  Maybe my word will work differently this year.  But I don't think so.  I think somehow it truly will play out in many areas of my life.

For now, I'm going to let it be what my heart wants it to be.  I want to run.

I can't believe I just wrote that sentence.  Honestly, I've mocked my running friends for years.  Although I liked to run as a child and played a lot of sports growing up, once my body changed proportions at around 14 the desire to run just for fun was gone.  Running seemed like work.  It was great for softball, a lot of work for basketball, and something I only coached for soccer.  No longer of interest to me.

My interests shifted away from sports at 14.  I joined marching band, which became my life.  Running was unnecessary.  By the time I graduated high school, I'd left any desire to run long behind.  It wasn't even visible in my rearview mirror anymore.

I got married.  I had kids.  And fifteen years ago my body fell apart.  The world fell out from under me.  I went to bed for a year and a half.

I've written about that a lot (here, here, and here are just a few).  So I'll keep it short and just say, I've been clawing my way back ever since.

Last year was my year of healing.  It led to this year - the year I will run.

Because I will.

So far this year my life and my body have fought me.  A lot.  A month of super long hours of reclamation work at our rental left me with no energy to work toward running.  Then I was hit with a bout of bronchitis for two weeks in early February, difficulty breathing and incredible fatigue.  And another bout of bronchitis from the end of February through early March.  And if there's one thing I need to be able to do if I'm going to run it's breathe.  I do have to breathe.

Right now I am still scratchy-throated.  I still feel like I'm breathing through gauze.  But that's better than feeling like I'm trying to breathe through a rock, which is how it felt when I started.

I believe it's getting better.

It will get better.

And then I will run.