A Year of Purpose in Review

It's time to look back on the last year and how my One Word has played out.  For 2017 that word was PURPOSE.

In anticipation, I expected I would approach things with purpose.  That I would more consciously choose what I did and choose things that had a real purpose.  A purpose of value.  That instead of running around putting out fires, which my life has so often been, I would take a breath and choose.  I would ponder, if only for a minute, what was the proper use of my time and energy.  And that did happen.  Some.

But often it played out differently.  I had something I wanted to do or needed to do and tried to find a deeper purpose in it.  I need to go to the library to pick up a book for my daughter.  But what is the greater purpose for this.  My daughter is currently house bound.  I'm going to the library as an act of service.  I am doing something for her that she can't currently do for herself.  There were many instances of that.

Or I tried to give something purpose.  I'm going for a run.  This run is to build my running base.  Or I dedicate these miles to a friend who is struggling.  Things such as this.

But most often it happened in the middle of something I was doing.  I'm on hour three of a Netflix binge.  Why?  What is my purpose for spending so much time this way?  It's an effort to avoid the struggles of my life.  It's an attempt to dull the things I'm feeling that I don't want to feel.  It's a weird way I can feel like I'm accomplishing something, as I check episodes off.  There was way more of this type of analysis than usual.

I'm big on examining my motivation for things.  But this was a bit different.  Looking for a purpose.  And asking myself if my purpose was a healthy one.  Was it good for me?  Did it serve a larger purpose?  What general direction were these choices taking me, and did that lead to my bigger purpose?  To the broader goals, the long-term goals, I have for myself.

I can honestly say I sometimes did well with this and sometimes didn't.  Finding out what my purpose for doing something was sometimes stopped me in my tracks and made me change direction.  Other times not so much.

I think this one will stick with me.  And it leads well into 2018's word.  Coming soon.

Practicing Self-Care

This is a tough one for me.  It's one I've studied and written about over and over and yet I still struggle.  I do well for a while and then I blow it.  And I don't think I'm alone.  I think many of us struggle.

There's basic self-care:  eating, washing, sleeping -- all those daily activities that keep us alive and healthy.  There's a step up:  exercise, cleaning, going to the doctor, paying bills -- those things that we think are extra, that fall away when we just have no energy left.  We might each have different things on those lists.  Something that's basic survival for me might not matter to you, because there is an element of emotion involved in survival.

And then there's more.  There are those things that feed our souls.  Those things that reward us for all the things we make ourselves do when we don't want to.  Those things that reward us for all we do for others.

I really stink at those, but I'm getting better.  I may not do them as often as I should, but at least I know what some of them are now.

I try to do them every so often.  That's probably not often enough.  I recently read a suggestion that we find time every day to do something.  That was a jolt to me.  I definitely don't take time every day to focus on feeding my soul.  But I agree that I should. 

I'm going to work on this.  I'm working on finding things that I can do in five minutes that feed my soul.  Like blowing bubbles.  Or coloring in a coloring book with crayons.  Maybe I don't have an hour every day to spend on this, but I can find five minutes.  And I can guard that five minutes.  I believe it's important.  It's time to make my actions reflect my beliefs.

When I started therapy and really working on my personal growth and mental health a few years ago, I was challenged by my therapist to do something good for myself.  To practice some self-care.  And I was completely lost.  I was clueless.

So I turned to my friends.  I asked them what they do.  And I created a resource for myself, something I can turn to when I need a little kick start.  Today I am sharing that with you.  If you don't read the whole list, at least scroll to the bottom and read the last paragraph -- that one has gotten me through some tough moments.  It's quite a long list, but I am sharing the whole thing because I don't know what will be right for whom.  I want you to be able to find what you might need.  Also, there are a few that are region specific (I live in Utah and several are about places in my area); I am including these -- as a bonus for those who live in Utah or as a jumping off point to find something similar in your area.  Some are quick.  Some are not.  I hope there's something here that helps you.  I welcome any you would like to add.

And I hope to be posting a list of my own healing activities soon.

**********

On December 28, 2006 I sent out the following request to about 35-40 people in my email address book:

I have a strange request for help.  I am in need of emotional educating (or something like that).

If I have sent this to you, then you are someone that I think could offer something of value in my current quest.

I have recently come to realize that I have difficulty relaxing, doing something that I enjoy, or rewarding myself.  When I am asked to do one of these things, I am at a loss.  I have no idea what I enjoy or what might help me relax.

So I am looking for some suggestions.  I would like to know what each of you do to relax, to reward yourself, or just for fun.  Obviously, I don't want you to divulge anything that will be embarrassing to either of us.  And things that are outside of the norm would be helpful, things that others might not suggest.  The more diversity the better.

Thanks in advance for your help,
Robin

And here are the amazing responses from my generous friends:

• Coloring with crayons
• Watercolors
• Crafts
• Digital scrapbooking
• Pedicure
• Massage
• Exercise
• Shopping
• Anything without kids – date with spouse, movie with friends, driving
• Cleaning
• Learn something new (e.g., how to play guitar)
• Do something different even when you don’t feel like it (e.g., comedy club)
• Read a good book
• Take a bath and pamper yourself with a salt or sugar scrub and some good lotion
• Call a friend
• Eat chocolate, especially dark chocolate
• Sleep
• Buy something for yourself – make sure it’s for YOU!
• Listen to some good music and be sure to sing!
• Shut the lights off, lie in bed, and listen to relaxing music
• Hammock in the sunshine (indoors by a sunny window in the winter)
• Nature, solitude in the mountains, by a lake, or somewhere quiet and scenic
• A hot bath (a hot tub if you have access; the bigger the better)
• A good movie or TV show
• A favorite treat (suggestion: Steven’s hot cocoa with a pastry made from rolled out pie crust with cinnamon and sugar on top and cut into squares and then baked to perfection)
• Yoga/relaxation or meditation type video
• Prayer
• Drive up in the hills or mountains and listen to favorite 80’s music
• Scenic places such as the Alpine loop overlook or Tibblefork reservoir, Bridal Veil Falls, Temple Square, across the lake on a drive, up any canyon
• Ski resort
• Mountain biking
• Laser tag/paintball
• A new movie you want to see
• Hiking
• Go to a water park
• Video games
• Play sports with kids
• Attend a comedy at Hale Center Theater
• Boating or canoeing
• Frisbee
• Eating good food at a good restaurant
• Going to a national park
• Lava hot springs in Idaho
• Play pool, air hockey, pinball
• Walk or hike – time to enjoy my surroundings, time to reflect, time to think, time to push myself
• Go to a movie alone
• Lunch with friends with restrictions on topics of conversation – no whining or complaining, no talking about work, no trying to solve the friends’ problems, just light conversation about the meaning of life or solving global warming
• Games
• Writing
• Find a life coach, if necessary
• Get your hair done, every 6-8 weeks
• Get a “couples massage”
• Go somewhere with best friends for a couple of days
• Creative writing – no reality-type writing; fantasy, science fiction, fairy tale (escape)
• Poetry
• Curl up in a throw and just listen to some quiet, instrumental music
• Quick crafts, something you can do ten minutes at a time
• Listen to smooth jazz
• Needlework – cross stitch, knitting, crocheting
• Listen to audio books
• Watch favorite DVDs
• Play computer games
• Take time to be alone
• Build something
• Sew
• Get in the car, turn on music that I know all the words to, and just drive and sing!
• Drive around and look at houses – and dream
• Look at a magazine
• Exercise outside
• Bike
• Walk in the canyon
• Splurge on a totally unnecessary item for yourself
• Give yourself permission for guilt-free television watching, within limits
• One-on-one time with your children -- choose something wild that you’ve never attended or done, grab one of your kids, and just go do it (e.g., skiing, monster truck rally, etc.)
• Go to Barnes and Noble ALONE, choose a book, and sit in one of those big chairs and just read
• Hot shower, clean shaven legs, and clean sheets to climb into bed
• Read – not something to learn from – just popcorn for the brain
• Create with the computer – do something with the computer just to see if you can
• Treat yourself with downloads from iTunes
• Go to a ski resort in the summer, with a mountain bike; they put the bike on the chair lift, you have a nice quiet ride up, ride the bike back down, then do it again
• Go for a ride in the car with no destination in mind, with or without company
• Go for a walk with no destination in mind, with or without company
• Go for a walk at night while it’s snowing or just after a snow
• Take a book with you in the car so that if you are stopped in traffic or have a few minutes to wait for an appointment you can read
• Work on a puzzle
• Travel/explore new adventures
• Read cookbooks
• Research things
• Garden
• Look at fabric
• Organize things
• Walk around in art museums
• Take classes
• Go to plays, concerts, and movies with friends and family
• Write poetry and prose – this can help work through strong emotions
• Ride a motorcycle
• Practice the breathing/visualization techniques you learned in childbirth classes
• Play racquetball
• Do something physical
• Take a nap
• Tickle/wrestle with your children
• Watch movie trailers on apple.com
• Call a loved one
• Sudoku
• Time with family
• Dinner out
• Pray for someone else
• Quilting
• Hot bubble bath when NO ONE can interrupt you
• Hot chocolate with marshmallows
• Read a book from your childhood
• Write in a journal – without worrying about how this will sound to future generations, just for yourself
• Window shopping at a store that is so expensive you’re not even tempted to buy (e.g., Banana Republic and Bass Furniture)
• Let your friend give you a pedicure
• Go to the dollar store and put together a little pampering kit for someone who won’t expect it and surprise them
• Learning – it’s great now that I don’t have to do it for a class

I don’t know if sleeping is hard for you, but if so:

• Sound machine – can get one at Walmart ($14, Conair); it has about 12 different sounds, 60-minute auto-shutoff, or constant
• Deep breathing – there are CDs that can lead you through different exercises
• Erasing thoughts – If I lay in bed with racing thoughts of things I need to do I have a notepad next to my bed to write stuff down.  Once it’s written you can usually let it go.  I will also close my eyes and picture a large chalkboard with all of my thoughts on it, in words or pictures, then you picture yourself with an eraser wiping them off.  For me sometimes they show up on the board again, so I just walk back and forth erasing until they all disappear.
• Heart Beat – take your left hand and squeeze your right thumb until you feel your heartbeat; once you feel it count 10 beats then move to your next finger; repeat through all ten fingers; usually by the second time around you are asleep.

*  If all else fails follow your heart.  We all have purpose in life that brings us happiness.  Sometimes it just takes time to find it.

*  I can think myself out of just about any adventure.  The key here is – don’t think!

*  One question you might ask is when did you last enjoy something or relax.  See if anything has changed since then that might counteract enjoyment.

*  I always need time to myself.  I really force others to know this.  Family and friends will always demand your time.  It is easy to find things to do for others, but it can be difficult to find things to do for myself.  It is a matter of training yourself and others.  My time is my time.  (Don’t fall for, “Can you just take care of this before you have your time?” thinking.)

*  Productivity, using my creative side, bringing order out of chaos, all of these are both rewarding and stress releasing for me.

*  I find I have to do self-talk before I do something for myself.  I am doing this for mental health.  I am taking a mental health break.  I will do this for _____ minutes and won’t feel guilty for a single second of this time.  I am worth it.

*  I’m not trying to promote an anti-kid theme, but I feel you can let your true feelings/stresses/anxieties out so much more when they’re not around – you know, no show to put on for them and their feelings.

*  Mostly it is a treat if I get to make my own choice about what to do with my time.  That happens rarely enough that I treasure the chance.

*  If I really want to treat myself, I get everything else done so the chances of my getting interrupted or feeling guilty are lessened to some degree, then I get in cozy clothes, find a cozy spot with a warm blanket, and make some hot chocolate – then I tune out the world and read.  It’s really in the extras.  In the summer I like to find a nice spot outside and have lemonade instead of hot chocolate.

 

*  Whatever you begin to do for yourself, JUST DO IT.  The fact that you are looking for suggestions is moving in the right direction.  If you don’t take care of yourself, you can not take care of anyone else.  You need to know that you are worth it, and you deserve anything you want.

I Have a Voice. And I Have Courage.

As long as I can remember my mother has been comparing me to my father.  "Of all the children, you are most like your dad," she would say.  I have probably heard this from her more than a hundred times.  And I hated it every time she said it.  Especially when I felt controlled and demeaned by my dad.  When I saw him as loveless.  Unable to care.  Mean.  I hated that she saw me this way.

But that isn't what she meant.  This past week, as she spent two hours talking about awful things in her life and I listened, I finally knew what she meant.  She saw me as strong.  She saw me as courageous.  She was so proud of the fact that I can speak.  She is amazed that I am able to say what I want.  She envies that I have learned to stand up for myself.  And others.

That, I'll take.

It's been hard work, especially in the issues with my dad.  Learning to stand up to him has been more difficult than I can express.  Learning to speak when I know others may not want to hear what I have to say has been tough.  Even now, when I do it so much more, it's still hard.

But I believe speaking and courage are gifts I have.  I believe it is my duty to use these gifts for the benefit of others.  That is why I have fought so hard to develop them.  I am still better at using my voice through writing, through the safety of my own home, but I am getting better at opening my mouth and speaking when it matters.  And when it's wise.  (Teasing a snake isn't brave; it's foolish.)

Today I feel compelled to use my voice to share some truths.  It's much easier to say I believe than to say I know.  Today I must share some things I know.

I know that you are important.  I know that your tiny presence in this world matters.  I know that you affect more than you know.  I know that you are worth many times more than you believe you are.  I know that you deserve a good life.  I know that the hard times in your life strengthen you, even when you don't see it.  I know that you have a good work to do.

I know that I matter.  I know that speaking truth matters.  I know that I have strengths and wisdom I am unaware of.  I know that allowing God to work through me makes the best use of these strengths and wisdom.

I know there is a God.  I know that He is our Father.  I know it as surely as I know that I breathe.  As clearly as I feel air enter and leave my lungs, I feel His presence in my life.  I have two-way conversations with God.  I speak.  I listen.  He speaks.  He listens.  He strengthens me that I may continue to do hard things.

I know being kind matters.  I know our hearts are happier when we exercise them more, when we love openly.  I know strengthening others strengthens me.  I know lifting others lifts me.

I know God is aware of me.  I know He loves me.  I know He is aware of and loves you, too.  I know He communicates with us even when we don't hear Him.  I know it's worth it to keep trying to hear Him.

I know He is there in the darkness.  I know He would take away all our pain and suffering and trials if that were best for us.  I know He allows our hard times because, like a loving parent watching a child receive an inoculation, He knows more than us and knows what will help us combat all that life has in store.

I know that whether you agree with me or not you are so important.  I know you have the ability to change the world.  I know your voice matters.

Please don't think this was easy for me.  It's difficult to testify.  I have been ridiculed and punished for my beliefs many times in my life, often by people I loved.  But the fact that it's hard will not stop me from speaking.  Because it matters.

The Person

Everyone has one.  That pivotal person.  The one who changed your life.  The one who helped define you.  The one without whom you wouldn't be who you are.  Hopefully, the one who taught you to believe in yourself.

For me, that was my grandma.  And today would be her 100th birthday.  I miss her.

Mama Bear Goes Crazy

I tend to be a very logical person.  I'm not super emotional most of the time.  I don't get flat out angry very often.  I get irritated.  I get frustrated.  I snap at my family.  But it takes a lot to provoke me into a full blown chew out of someone outside of my own home.

(I am a very direct person, so I think people feel like they are being chewed out by me more than I do.)

But every now and then something happens that I just can't let go.  I process it.  I stew over it.  I can't stop thinking about it.  If I can't let it go, I believe it's only fair to the person to let them know that it bothered me.  That way, if there's been some kind of mistake or miscommunication they can clear it up.

When this happens I try to really think about it first.  I try to make sure that I can communicate my feelings accurately without attacking or accusing them.  I try to find a place of peace in myself.  I try to communicate with love and a desire that everyone involved grows from the experience.

And then there's Mama Bear.  Every once in a while something will happen that I sense is a threat to one of my children.  Maybe it's a physical threat.  Maybe it's a spiritual threat.  Maybe it's a psychological threat.  Whatever the case, if you cross this line -- WATCH OUT!

This is when I lose my mind.  This is when I say something that is pure vile.  Totally mean.  With every intent to make the receiver incredibly penitent.  And sometimes I even take that jab in that tender place that I know will hurt their feelings.

My weapon of choice is generally email.  Words are my strength so I hit hard.  And that way the tears of anger I'm crying don't weaken my position or make it so that I can't speak clearly.

In an intense heat of fury I rattle off a scathing email.  I can almost feel the fire under my fingers as I type.  I feel as though I am channeling a demon out to destroy.

And I have that moment.  The moment when the email is finished, fully composed, and I have that little voice that tells me to think a little more before I send it.  Wait just a while.  You might regret this.

But my darker angels win and I hit send.

It is usually within a day that I begin to regret it.  And I compose another email.  This one says, while I still mean what I said about the problem, I do not think you are the devil incarnate and I hope we can still be friends.

I am not proud of this behavior.  It is animalistic at it's purest.  And so far people have been understanding and we've been able to work things out.

But I have learned one very important rule:  You'd better respect Mama Bear.

The Mirrors of My Mind

I look in the mirror and see what I am.
I start to cry.
For in the mirrors of my mind I see what I could have become.

Is that the ultimate in teen angst or what?  I wrote it when I was about fourteen, in my poetic phase.

Isn't it funny how at the age of fourteen I thought I was all I would ever be?  That who I was then was who I would be for life? 

I was such a perfectionist back then, absolutely unwilling to forgive myself for the smallest flaws.  I'm sure that depressive episode, aside from being hormonal, was about not doing well on a test or disappointing my parents.  It didn't take much to make me get down on myself back then.

Unfortunately, that fourteen-year old girl is still inside me.  I still tend to be a perfectionist about many things.  And it's still way too easy for me to get down on myself.

I'm doing better, but I still have room for improvement.

And now I know that.  I know that I will continue to grow and progress.  Trite though it is, I am a human becoming not a human being (I know - *big groan* - sorry to be so cheesy). 

I can always be more.  And my idea of what more is changes as I grow older.  I think smarter will always be part of it; I want to be smart.  But now wiser is more important than smarter.  Having lots of people like me is great, but having lots of people that I love is better.  Producing a lot that is visible to others is wonderful.  But the internal growth that no one else sees is of more value to me now.

Learning that I judge myself far more than others judge me was important.  Learning that I am the only one whose judgments matter was vital.

The mirrors of my mind are more forgiving now.  I see more clearly now.  And I am content with what I see.