The Land of Irritation or Depleted or Something Else

You bug me.  Yes, you.  Whoever you are.  If you're reading this, you bug me.  And so does everyone who's not reading this.

Right now almost everyone and everything irritates me.  A lot.  And I don't know why.

I'm severely limiting my social interactions, digitally and in real life.  Because I can't keep up the facade.

I can't pretend the things you're saying or doing or wearing or eating aren't making me crazy.  It takes so much energy to be polite and smile when I really just want to go off on a diatribe about how ridiculous I find you.

I absolutely know how self-centered this sounds (because it is).  I understand how un-Christlike this sounds (because it is).  I get it.  And in my heart of hearts I don't feel this way.

But in my nerves I do.  I don't want to.  I'm working on it.  But right now I do.

And my isolation is for both of us.

I'm certain my facade will eventually break down when we're together, and I'll tell you how whiny I think you are.  I'll tell you to quit complaining and either do something about it or just shut up.  Which will hurt you.

Which will hurt me.  Because I will feel your hurt and carry the weight of that in my heart and on my back.  And I just don't have that strength right now.

I think part of the reason everyone and everything is bothering me is because I feel like it's my job to fix all the problems.  All of them.  All of them in the world.

I know it's not.  In my head.  But in my heart I feel differently.  Accountable.  Responsible.  At fault.

And I want the world perfect.  I want the world to be the way I want it.  That includes the people and their behavior.  And if I'm accountable, at fault, then it's my job to fix it.

But it isn't.  And people get very irritated when I try.  (As well they should.)

So I'm just going to pull back and give myself some space to get through this.  It's kind of like taking my ball and going home because you won't play what I want to play, only a bit more mature (I hope).  You can keep the ball.  I'm just going home.

Dear Diary

I often see bloggers begin a post with an apology for having been absent for a while.  When I see this it reminds me of how like a diary a blog can be.  I remember as a teen that most of my diary entries started the same way.

I've never been a good journal keeper.  I have friends and family who are so good at taking note of what's happening in their lives, who write in a journal religiously.  My entries were sporadic, but I tried.  I have a few recorded memories of those difficult years when everything is wrong and the world just doesn't understand you.

Today I have chosen to share one.  I do this mostly for my daughter who is just leaving that time of her life.  So that she can know that I struggled with similar things.  And so she can laugh at my drama.

This entry would have been during my junior year in high school, shortly before I turned 17.  I typed it exactly as it appeared, including punctuation mistakes and lost focus.

November 29, 1986
I think I'm going to go insane.  I'm still waiting for a letter from Kevin and my "dad" and I just had another fight.

He probably doesn't even know we've had a fight.  He just told me another flaw he doesn't like about me is that I'm getting sarcastic.  I wish he'd notice something good in me for a change.  It seems like he's only pleased with me once a year.  Last year it was my "Outstanding Sophomore Award" and this year it's my stupid grades.

While once a year he notices a good thing he points out hundreds of mistakes, I already know about, the rest of the year.  It'll be so good when Ryan comes home because I'm going to stay with my Grandma Conover so that Kay can have my room.

It'll be great to get away from my dad & Chris for two weeks, off & on.  They drive me totally insane on a day to day basis.

I think I'm going to die if I don't get a letter from Kevin soon.  I've been living the past week just waiting for the mail so that I could see if it had come yet.

I seem to be getting depressed more and more lately.  I don't know why.  Maybe it's all the pressure I'm getting from my parents.  My mom doesn't even realize that she pressures me, too.

I mean they're so happy when I get good grades that I'm scared to let them know if I really start having problems.

I've been thinking about Kevin all the time lately and I don't know what I'm going to do.  I'm in an awful situation.  I don't know how he feels and I don't know how I feel.  Our relationship is going to be almost frozen for the next two years.  Oh, that sounds like such a long time.  I'm gonna die!

Love Always,
Robin