Thanks for the Sting

Every now and then I receive a comment on my blog that bugs me.  I can't really put my finger on why.  What is it about that comment that irritates me so?  Makes me feel like I need to defend myself?  It wasn't mean, exactly.  So why did it sting?

Well, today I think I finally found my answer.  I got my first truly snotty comment.  It was on an older post.  And a fairly popular one.  It felt like a slap in the face.  A moment of shock.

But there was beauty to it as well.  You see, it was written in a way that helped me figure out what had been bugging me about those other comments.  And in such a way that it showed the insecurities of the woman writing it.  It was obviously her issue and she was projecting.  I am grateful for that.  Because it was so evident in hers, I can see it in others' as well.

So what was it?  What is it that bugs me so much in those comments?  It's someone else assuming that they know what my motivations are.  It's someone else telling me how I feel.  It's someone else putting words into my mouth.  Basically, it's all the childish arguments I've had over the years with people who would rather attack me than argue their point.  It's not debate.  It's not stating your opinion and backing it up.  It's saying, "You don't agree with me so you're stupid!"

I've had way too much experience with this kind of arguing.  Too often I don't see it when it happens.  I am hurt and can't figure out why.  I feel defensive.  I feel like a little girl being chastised for not being good enough.  I feel like I'm being told that everything that's wrong is my fault.

And those are my issues.

But because this woman took the time to comment, in all her snarky glory, I was able to see it.  I was able to see that when a person attacks like this, it's not about me.  It's about them.  And just because they blame me or think I am stupid it doesn't mean I am.  They may throw the label out there but I don't have to choose to wear it.

So if any of you have the need to tell me how I feel, you may.  And I will not argue with you.  You can just be wrong.  And I can be right.  And I don't have to prove to you that I am right or defend myself.  It's okay if I'm the only one who knows.

To that wonderful woman who gave me this gift this morning, thank you.  It may not have been what you intended, but it turned out great for me.  Good luck to you as you work through your insecurities.  I hope some day you can receive a similar slap in the face that helps you become the person you want to be.  And I said that in all kindness and sincerity.

Thanks for the sting.

I'm a Blurker

Okay, I admit it.  I lurk.  I stalk.  I read and run.  I am *dun dun dun* a blurker.  A blog-lurker, if you will.

Why do I do it?  I am a blogger.  I know how much comments can mean to the author.  So what is so hard about taking a minute to add a line or two of my own thoughts on the issue or my praise for the insight or just two thumbs up?

Good question.  I have pondered this.  And the answers are as varied as the blogs I follow.

Sometimes many people post on the same day and I'm short on time.  Sometimes it's because I'm not in a writing mood -- not even a comment.  Sometimes it's because I'm very snarky at the moment and don't think the person would really like my snotty little comment.

And sometimes, often actually, it's due to my nature.  I have a tendency to play devil's advocate.  All the time.  With nearly everything I hear or read.

Now you may think that what you say couldn't have another side, there is no argument to be made, it's just you expressing your feelings.  I think you'd be surprised at the things I can find to argue with.  Stupid things.  Very unimportant things.  Not at all productive things.  But once that thought enters my mind I have difficulty letting it go.  Do you really want me to comment on your post telling you all the things I disagree with?  That's not very supportive or helpful.  If the post seems to truly invite contrasting opinions, rest assured, I will probably offer mine.

I am also not one to give the courtesy comment (like a courtesy laugh).  If it comes from me, I want it to be my genuine feelings not just ego stroking.  I apologize if this is difficult for some.  There are plenty of people out there who will tell you what you want to hear and make you feel good.  I will only be one of them if the planets align.  It's who I am.

I try to comment on the first post I read so that the author knows I'm following them.  Afterward, it's usually just as the mood moves me.

So, if I've ever commented on your blog I'm probably still following you.  If I don't comment it's not because I don't like it, just because I didn't feel like it.  And if I do comment, you will know that I am completely sincere.

And thanks for all the comments on my blog.  You're all a better audience than I am.

My Comment on Comments

One of the most difficult things about writing a blog, for me anyway, is knowing how to handle comments.

I love comments on my blog.  I love knowing that people are reading and enjoying what I'm writing.  And I'd love to respond if that's what you want.  Or not, if you don't.

I have sometimes responded to a comment in the comment section, never knowing if the person who left the comment would think to come back and check for a comment on their comment.  (See, it is confusing.)

Sometimes I've responded with an email, if I had their email address and thought it was important.  Some people comment on facebook; they're easy to respond to.  Others comment in person -- again, easy to respond to.

But may I just take this opportunity to say thank you to everyone who has ever commented on my blog.  Your comments touch me and encourage me and make me laugh.  But mostly they just make me grateful.

And to you who don't comment because you can't come up with something clever to say, and you know who you are, I welcome your comments when you're ready.  It doesn't have to be pithy.  I welcome all comments:  nice, snotty, silly -- even BORING.  Whatever.  Remember, I have the power to delete those comments if they really bother me.

Please don't feel slighted if I don't respond.  I'm just not really sure how to handle that part of blogging yet.