Honest feedback is important. Having people in your life who can look at something objectively and tell you the truth is so valuable. As women, we sometimes struggle giving or receiving feedback well. We tip-toe around the truth to not be hurtful. We get hurt when someone answers directly a question we asked. I am a firm believer that if you don't really want a truthful answer, you shouldn't ask the question. Especially to me.
I believe truth is power. Knowledge is power. Going along living your life thinking everything is wonderful because all the little minions around you are telling you how great you are is not wonderful. It might feel good for a while, but it's fake. And it does nothing for your growth.
I thought about this today as I answered a request for feedback on someone's blog. It was fun for me, although it was tough, too. I worried that I would say something that would hurt her feelings. But at the same time, I saw such potential for growth. I truly felt like I was helping her see things she was missing. I don't expect her to change everything I said I didn't like. She might choose to change none of them. But having this feedback gives her options she might not have known she had.
I really feel like the most important thing about blogging is to know why you are doing it. Are you doing it as a family history? Are you doing it because all of your friends are doing it? Are you doing it because writing makes you happy? Are you doing it to make money? Are you doing it to shut your brain up (that would be me)? Are you doing it in the hopes of getting a book deal? Are you doing it to connect with others online?
There are so many reasons people blog. Maybe you blog for a reason I didn't mention. Maybe you blog for several reasons. We usually have a primary goal and secondary goals, even when we aren't really aware of them. But until you know why you blog, you can never know if your blog is successful. If you don't know what your actual goals are how will you know when you reach them?
And once you know what your goals are it's important to know what's standing in the way. That's where honest feedback comes in.
I work very hard not to give feedback unless it's asked for. If I see a problem on your blog, I probably won't tell you (unless you're my daughter and it's a typo). But I love to give feedback when asked.
So I am making this offer today. If you've ever wanted someone to look over your blog and tell you what you can improve on, send me an email or let me know in a comment. I'd be happy to look it over and give you honest feedback. Because we can all use a little more truth in our lives.
Oh, and I welcome any feedback you might have for me as well.
**********
Some recent health issues have made it increasingly difficult for me to fulfill this offer to everyone who asked. I apologize if I didn't get to your blog. I ask your forgiveness and wish you well in your blogging efforts.
Showing posts with label Feedback. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Feedback. Show all posts
Thursday, July 5, 2012
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Confronting My Therapist
A little background -- Bill is my husband. My therapist used to be his therapist. And even though I have never sworn in a blog post before I swear once in this one. I tried to find another word to use, but nothing else conveyed the same emotion. I did try.
**********
Telling the truth to power is difficult. Telling the truth to anyone can be hard. Especially if you grew up in a situation where the truth was only appreciated if it was what they wanted to hear. Otherwise, you'd be punished.
Well, that's the situation I grew up in and today I had to tell my therapist something he might not want to hear. I had to give him feedback. There was something he was doing that was counter-productive to my healing.
I was anxious. But I knew that it was important. He had done it multiple times and it was a big problem for me.
So today I got to therapy, all geared up and ready to go. I can do this. I can do this. Don't let him start talking about something else. Dive right it. Just get it done so we can move on. I can do this.
Well, he started talking in the hall on the way to his office and by the time we were in the door he already had a review going of my progress. I went along, wondering how long I could put it off and knowing that it had to be today.
We spent half an hour reviewing. Talking about how I'm doing on my regimen and if I feel better and why all of this matters. It was time well spent. I covered things I wanted to cover. But it wasn't what I was dying to say.
As we wrapped up the review he asked what direction I wanted to go today. He mentioned a few of the things we'd been working on in the past that don't feel finished.
I stopped him. I told him we could get to that in a minute. First I needed to address something with him. I needed to give him some feedback about something that isn't working in our relationship. Then I asked if he was ready. He asked if he needed a seatbelt. I told him no.
I took a deep breath and began. It went something like this:
"There are going to be times when I need to talk about Bill, to process things. There are still lots of times he's an ass. I need to be able to talk about that in order to heal. Whenever I start to talk about Bill you re-frame what I'm saying so fast that I can't say what I need to say. Or you say, 'But this is better, right?' You seem to be defensive when I talk about him. I don't know if it's because you like him and feel like you need to defend him. Or if it's because when I tell you he's not doing well you feel like it's an attack on your work because I'm saying he's not cured. Or if it's because you're both men and you feel like when I say negative things about him it's an attack on men in general. Whatever it is, it feels like you're defensive. I shut down and am unable to say the things I need to say."
He said, "Okay." He pondered for a minute. Then he asked me if I knew what counter-transference is. I said I did. (If you don't, you'll have to look it up - sorry.) He said counter-transference is not uncommon with therapists and they don't know when they are doing it unless someone points it out to them. He said that he still didn't recognize it in himself, but that if I'm saying it's happening he needs to believe me. He's been a therapist long enough to know he doesn't know everything. Twenty years ago, when he was just starting, he probably would have balked at what I said because he thought he knew it all. But now when someone says something like that he takes it as truth and tries to fix it.
He told me strategies he would use to try to be aware and stop doing it in the future. I told him that if it happens again I will tell him to shut up and listen to me. Or throw the pillow at him.
I told him I'd been nervous about confronting him with it. He told me it was a good sign of progress that I was willing to stand up for what I needed, especially to a man. He then told me he knew I would never say anything to hurt him, only to help him or help us do better. He was right.
This is more evidence that my therapist is a good fit for me. I trust him. He's a good man. I was pretty sure he'd want to know if something he was doing was hurting me. I was right.
It was a good session.
**********
I wrote about the rest of my session on my other blog -- It Matters When He's Mean.
**********
Telling the truth to power is difficult. Telling the truth to anyone can be hard. Especially if you grew up in a situation where the truth was only appreciated if it was what they wanted to hear. Otherwise, you'd be punished.
Well, that's the situation I grew up in and today I had to tell my therapist something he might not want to hear. I had to give him feedback. There was something he was doing that was counter-productive to my healing.
I was anxious. But I knew that it was important. He had done it multiple times and it was a big problem for me.
So today I got to therapy, all geared up and ready to go. I can do this. I can do this. Don't let him start talking about something else. Dive right it. Just get it done so we can move on. I can do this.
Well, he started talking in the hall on the way to his office and by the time we were in the door he already had a review going of my progress. I went along, wondering how long I could put it off and knowing that it had to be today.
We spent half an hour reviewing. Talking about how I'm doing on my regimen and if I feel better and why all of this matters. It was time well spent. I covered things I wanted to cover. But it wasn't what I was dying to say.
As we wrapped up the review he asked what direction I wanted to go today. He mentioned a few of the things we'd been working on in the past that don't feel finished.
I stopped him. I told him we could get to that in a minute. First I needed to address something with him. I needed to give him some feedback about something that isn't working in our relationship. Then I asked if he was ready. He asked if he needed a seatbelt. I told him no.
I took a deep breath and began. It went something like this:
"There are going to be times when I need to talk about Bill, to process things. There are still lots of times he's an ass. I need to be able to talk about that in order to heal. Whenever I start to talk about Bill you re-frame what I'm saying so fast that I can't say what I need to say. Or you say, 'But this is better, right?' You seem to be defensive when I talk about him. I don't know if it's because you like him and feel like you need to defend him. Or if it's because when I tell you he's not doing well you feel like it's an attack on your work because I'm saying he's not cured. Or if it's because you're both men and you feel like when I say negative things about him it's an attack on men in general. Whatever it is, it feels like you're defensive. I shut down and am unable to say the things I need to say."
He said, "Okay." He pondered for a minute. Then he asked me if I knew what counter-transference is. I said I did. (If you don't, you'll have to look it up - sorry.) He said counter-transference is not uncommon with therapists and they don't know when they are doing it unless someone points it out to them. He said that he still didn't recognize it in himself, but that if I'm saying it's happening he needs to believe me. He's been a therapist long enough to know he doesn't know everything. Twenty years ago, when he was just starting, he probably would have balked at what I said because he thought he knew it all. But now when someone says something like that he takes it as truth and tries to fix it.
He told me strategies he would use to try to be aware and stop doing it in the future. I told him that if it happens again I will tell him to shut up and listen to me. Or throw the pillow at him.
I told him I'd been nervous about confronting him with it. He told me it was a good sign of progress that I was willing to stand up for what I needed, especially to a man. He then told me he knew I would never say anything to hurt him, only to help him or help us do better. He was right.
This is more evidence that my therapist is a good fit for me. I trust him. He's a good man. I was pretty sure he'd want to know if something he was doing was hurting me. I was right.
It was a good session.
**********
I wrote about the rest of my session on my other blog -- It Matters When He's Mean.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
You're Much Happier in Person
Recently, as part of an improve-your-writing challenge, I asked for feedback on my writing. A few brave souls trusted that I meant it (I did) and offered some. Kudos to you for your bravery. And thank you.
To me, feedback is like telling someone they have spinach in their teeth. It might be awkward, but it helps them avoid future embarrassment. I believe you should ask a person if they want feedback before offering it (unless they ask you for it). And I believe feedback and criticism are two very different things. It's not feedback if you are telling them about something you don't like that they have no way to fix. It's not feedback if it's meant to hurt or tease or make you look better than them.
One thing that a couple of people told me was that I seem much happier in person than I come across in my writing. That my writing seems darker than I really am.
Being the introspective person that I am, I thought about this. Is it true? Am I misrepresenting myself in my writing? Am I misrepresenting myself in person? Why don't these two personas align?
Like most things in life, it's complicated.
While I would like to be incredibly genuine at all times, sometimes I still put on a happy face when I'm out. Not as much as I used to. Not to people I trust. Usually just in passing or with people I don't really know. Or if I'm not up to talking about what's bothering me.
And then there's the fact that if I'm outside of my house, I'm probably feeling better. If I feel better then I'm happier. It's that simple.
Plus, being with people, especially certain people, makes me happier, too.
I can also be more intimate in my writing than I can in everyday situations. There just aren't that many opportunities to sit and chat for hours with a friend. Privately so I can get it all out without worrying about being judged or others overhearing. Writing serves that purpose for me. Writing is very intimate. I can say what I feel without anyone else's emotions coloring it. And things come out in my writing that I might not have known about myself, that I might not have even known I was feeling.
When I don't feel well I stay home. I stay in my room. Just me and my computer. That leaves more writing time. When I feel well I am out and about and don't have as much time (or need) to write.
I also feel a need to capture the dark times. For me and for others. It's so difficult to communicate those feelings to others. It's difficult to remember them when they pass. But it's important to try, if only so others know they are not alone.
All of that said, I know my writing has been darker for a long period of time (until maybe the last week or two). I have been in a darker place. One that won't break. But even in the midst of this I don't feel sad most of the time. People sometimes think that because I write about dark feelings I am sad. That's not always the case. I have sad moments and happy moments, just like everyone else. Some are just longer than others. I don't think my life is horrible or tragic. I also don't think it's peaches and cream.
Realizing that my writing has been dark, I have asked myself if I should write more positively anyway -- in spite of how I feel. No one has asked me to do this. But some people do miss my positivity. (It didn't feel like criticism, just that the other me was missed.) Maybe my dark writing will drive people away.
Trust me. I have thought about this a lot.
And this is my conclusion. I will watch for this in my life. I will watch for more positive things. I will look for happy. And I will make it a point to try to write when I am in a better place.
But I won't fake it. As much as I love having other people read my writing, it's not really for you. It's for me. If it is meeting your needs and not mine, then it's just not worth it to me anymore.
And that's another thing that's beautiful about feedback. You can examine it, weigh it, and decide what you want to do with it. Implement all, some, or none of it. Without this freedom it loses it's power.
To me, feedback is like telling someone they have spinach in their teeth. It might be awkward, but it helps them avoid future embarrassment. I believe you should ask a person if they want feedback before offering it (unless they ask you for it). And I believe feedback and criticism are two very different things. It's not feedback if you are telling them about something you don't like that they have no way to fix. It's not feedback if it's meant to hurt or tease or make you look better than them.
One thing that a couple of people told me was that I seem much happier in person than I come across in my writing. That my writing seems darker than I really am.
Being the introspective person that I am, I thought about this. Is it true? Am I misrepresenting myself in my writing? Am I misrepresenting myself in person? Why don't these two personas align?
Like most things in life, it's complicated.
While I would like to be incredibly genuine at all times, sometimes I still put on a happy face when I'm out. Not as much as I used to. Not to people I trust. Usually just in passing or with people I don't really know. Or if I'm not up to talking about what's bothering me.
And then there's the fact that if I'm outside of my house, I'm probably feeling better. If I feel better then I'm happier. It's that simple.
Plus, being with people, especially certain people, makes me happier, too.
I can also be more intimate in my writing than I can in everyday situations. There just aren't that many opportunities to sit and chat for hours with a friend. Privately so I can get it all out without worrying about being judged or others overhearing. Writing serves that purpose for me. Writing is very intimate. I can say what I feel without anyone else's emotions coloring it. And things come out in my writing that I might not have known about myself, that I might not have even known I was feeling.
When I don't feel well I stay home. I stay in my room. Just me and my computer. That leaves more writing time. When I feel well I am out and about and don't have as much time (or need) to write.
I also feel a need to capture the dark times. For me and for others. It's so difficult to communicate those feelings to others. It's difficult to remember them when they pass. But it's important to try, if only so others know they are not alone.
All of that said, I know my writing has been darker for a long period of time (until maybe the last week or two). I have been in a darker place. One that won't break. But even in the midst of this I don't feel sad most of the time. People sometimes think that because I write about dark feelings I am sad. That's not always the case. I have sad moments and happy moments, just like everyone else. Some are just longer than others. I don't think my life is horrible or tragic. I also don't think it's peaches and cream.
Realizing that my writing has been dark, I have asked myself if I should write more positively anyway -- in spite of how I feel. No one has asked me to do this. But some people do miss my positivity. (It didn't feel like criticism, just that the other me was missed.) Maybe my dark writing will drive people away.
Trust me. I have thought about this a lot.
And this is my conclusion. I will watch for this in my life. I will watch for more positive things. I will look for happy. And I will make it a point to try to write when I am in a better place.
But I won't fake it. As much as I love having other people read my writing, it's not really for you. It's for me. If it is meeting your needs and not mine, then it's just not worth it to me anymore.
And that's another thing that's beautiful about feedback. You can examine it, weigh it, and decide what you want to do with it. Implement all, some, or none of it. Without this freedom it loses it's power.
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