A Year of Seeing

It's time to look back, just for a few moments, and evaluate how this year has gone.  Have I used it well?  Have I accomplished what I intended?  Have I grown and become more me?

I chose one word to guide me in 2013.  I chose the word SEE.  I knew what I meant but wasn't sure how to put it into words.  It turns out, words didn't matter all that much.  It wasn't about words.  It was about opening my heart.  My heart communicates very well, but it doesn't use words.

So let me tell you some of what I've learned.

I've learned that when I get caught up in the running around and getting stuff done mode, I don't see much.  But I've also learned that I can step out of that moment and into another one.  I can quit doing and start seeing.  And when I do I am more me.  My heart is more at peace.  I don't do it nearly enough, but it can be breathtaking when I do.

I've also learned that sometimes life does it for me.  Sometimes things come to a crashing halt and I freak out because things aren't going the way I planned.  But then I find that it's because I wasn't being true to me, or life wasn't, and the universe decided to put me back on the right road.  I mope and cry and kick against the pricks.  And then I sit for a bit.  And I look around.  And I ask, "What now then?"  And I find a way that is me.  And it's a happier path.

And sometimes, because I've expressed a willingness to open my heart even when it's scary, God pauses everything.  And He shines a spotlight on just one thing or one person.  And He shows me a little of what He sees.  Without my asking, He shows me things that are glorious, things that are divine, because knowing this and seeing this makes me more me.

It's still tough to put into words.  I hope I've come close so you can feel it a bit.  The next time you and I have a private moment together, I will try to communicate it to you if you'd like.  From my heart to yours.  I will take your hands in mine.  I will look into your eyes.  And I will open my heart.  If you're willing to hear it, I believe my heart can talk to yours.  (It could possibly result in tears and a hug.)

If you are someone I will never meet, please try to hear it.  I am sending it.  My heart is bursting with it.  And it's for you now.

Seeing in the Dark

A couple of weeks ago my PTSD was triggered.  Enough that it was making my life difficult.  I was putting on a good front, but inside I was in turmoil.  There was intense fear, uncertainty, lack of direction, inability to communicate, and an overwhelming desire to hide.  My mind was obsessed with thoughts of an experience from my past.  It was trying to process things that still aren't clear.  And I was in a state of panic that I couldn't get out of.

I spent a couple of days in this state.  I tried to relax my mind and focus on other things.  I tried to distract myself out of it.  I tried various calming techniques, including meds.  But it wouldn't go away.

And in the back of my mind I kept thinking, "Maybe you should try to see this."

My word for the year is see.  While I did my best to define it in that post, there is more to it than I was able to say.  There is an element that can't be explained but is understood in my heart.

Finally, on the third day out, I decided I was ready to try.  But I didn't really know how.  When I'm trying to see a positive moment I try to be more present.  More in the moment so I can see and feel the things I was missing that I want to experience.

But the memory that triggered me was something I didn't want to be more present in.  It was something I didn't want to experience more.  How could I see it?

When I know I'm headed in the right direction but am not sure how to proceed, I pray.  I ask Him to help me see the next step.  Then, whether I understand or not, I take that next step.  It's worked beautifully for me many times throughout my life.  But I only ask if I am really willing to take the next step no matter what it is.  That's why it took me three days.  I wasn't ready until then.

This is a deep and powerful experience for me.  I will try to share it in a way that is honest but also respects the sanctity I feel about it.

I knelt in prayer and conversed with God.  I told Him I was afraid but was willing to see and know what I needed to in order to heal.  I opened my heart in willingness to learn more and take whatever step was directed.  I expressed my fear.  He expressed His love.

And I saw that past experience with new eyes.  With new understanding.  It only took a few moments with God to find the peace I'd longed for. 

It doesn't always work this way.  Often my prayers are one-way communication, usually due to my rushing and being disconnected.  Sometimes prayer after prayer seems to go unanswered.  Or I don't see the answer.  But other times I open my heart enough that we are truly together in conversation.  I pour out my heart and then He fills it.  This was one of those moments.

I was filled with calm.  I knew I was on the right path.  And he told me something I needed to hear, "Your role is so important."

I think that will get me through just about anything.

In the Moment

My goal for 2013 is to fully experience life more.  To see the things I've been missing.  To not just pass through life but to suck the marrow from each experience.

I'm new at this, but I've begun trying.

For my birthday my two adult daughters sent my husband and me away for the weekend.  Just a couple towns over at a motel, but it was wonderful.  As part of our weekend away they'd also provided us with tickets to The Life of Pi, a movie I'd been wanting to watch.  And this is where my experience began.

It started out as a normal night at the movies.  We got snacks.  We found our seats.  We watched the previews.  I was there to watch a movie.  That's all.

But it became more.  The movie was so beautiful visually.  It was eye candy.  Many scenes like something out of a fairy tale.  As I was marvelling at the colors and effects that made it so magical, I remembered to see.

At first I was seeing the movie.  The details.  The texture.  The flavor of the film.  The movie was delicious.

But then I was seeing the moment.  With more senses than just my eyes.  I was seeing it with my heart.  My arm was laced through my husband's arm.  I noticed the feeling of his skin on mine as I rested my hand on his forearm, the tingle I still get when we touch.  I felt the shape of the muscle as he turned his hand.  And the outside of my arm was resting against his stomach.  I noticed each slow breath.  In and out in such a mundane way.  Something that happens over and over.  But in this moment I noticed the power of what that meant.  That meant my husband was healthy.  He was filled with the breath of life.  He was at peace, as shown by the slow tempo of his relaxed breathing.  I felt the heat of his body warming mine through the simple touch of our arms.  I knew he was happy to be there with me.  We were together in a very real way.  We were sharing a moment and I was seeing that moment.

You might think noticing these things distracted me from the movie, but it didn't.  It enhanced it.  It was like turning up the brightness.  The colors were stronger.  The glory was more intense.  The fairy tale nature of the moment with my husband slipped into the fairy tale of the movie.  The peace and joy of the moment brought contentment.  Which fit with the nature of the main character as he told his story.  He radiated peace.  He was happy in his life.  He was content.  And so was I.

Pi and I were together in that moment.  Both in the moment we were meant to occupy.  And filling up every bit of the space within it.  I can't wait to learn more.