A couple of weeks ago my PTSD was triggered. Enough that it was making my life difficult. I was putting on a good front, but inside I was in turmoil. There was intense fear, uncertainty, lack of direction, inability to communicate, and an overwhelming desire to hide. My mind was obsessed with thoughts of an experience from my past. It was trying to process things that still aren't clear. And I was in a state of panic that I couldn't get out of.
I spent a couple of days in this state. I tried to relax my mind and focus on other things. I tried to distract myself out of it. I tried various calming techniques, including meds. But it wouldn't go away.
And in the back of my mind I kept thinking, "Maybe you should try to see this."
My word for the year is see. While I did my best to define it in that post, there is more to it than I was able to say. There is an element that can't be explained but is understood in my heart.
Finally, on the third day out, I decided I was ready to try. But I didn't really know how. When I'm trying to see a positive moment I try to be more present. More in the moment so I can see and feel the things I was missing that I want to experience.
But the memory that triggered me was something I didn't want to be more present in. It was something I didn't want to experience more. How could I see it?
When I know I'm headed in the right direction but am not sure how to proceed, I pray. I ask Him to help me see the next step. Then, whether I understand or not, I take that next step. It's worked beautifully for me many times throughout my life. But I only ask if I am really willing to take the next step no matter what it is. That's why it took me three days. I wasn't ready until then.
This is a deep and powerful experience for me. I will try to share it in a way that is honest but also respects the sanctity I feel about it.
I knelt in prayer and conversed with God. I told Him I was afraid but was willing to see and know what I needed to in order to heal. I opened my heart in willingness to learn more and take whatever step was directed. I expressed my fear. He expressed His love.
And I saw that past experience with new eyes. With new understanding. It only took a few moments with God to find the peace I'd longed for.
It doesn't always work this way. Often my prayers are one-way communication, usually due to my rushing and being disconnected. Sometimes prayer after prayer seems to go unanswered. Or I don't see the answer. But other times I open my heart enough that we are truly together in conversation. I pour out my heart and then He fills it. This was one of those moments.
I was filled with calm. I knew I was on the right path. And he told me something I needed to hear, "Your role is so important."
I think that will get me through just about anything.