Rerun: Energy Vampires and Soul Suckers

It's time for a new post, but I'm just not up to it.  Still hurting a lot.  Still finding my way.

So here's another rerun.  It's from January 2010.  I hope you like it.

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Energy Vampires and Soul Suckers

Have you ever noticed that there are some people in life who are just draining?  Any interaction with them will leave you feeling depleted.  With some people it takes a long conversation full of their needs and ignoring yours before it hits.  With others, it's as soon as they enter the room.  As soon as you see them -- whoosh!  Energy drain.  It's almost like you can feel the life leaving your body.

Sometimes a person is truly in crisis.  They need to talk and if you can listen and give of yourself, they will get better.  It's a momentary crisis.  And they give back when it's you who are struggling.  They listen.  They give.  This doesn't seem to be so draining.  Partly because they refill you when you need it and partly because you are giving willingly.

But other people just take.  They corner you and utilize you.  They barrage you and then leave you in a crumpled heap.  You are glad it's over, but you know they'll be back.

Giving of yourself is charitable.  It's the Christlike thing to do.  I can hear the arguments.  And you're right; it is.  But what about the cost to you?

I think of Little Shop of Horrors.  Seymour tries to appease Audrey II with his own blood.  He soon discovers that he can't satisfy Audrey II's appetite.  And think of the Skeksis from The Dark Crystal.  They drain the Gelflings to fill themselves.  In both cases, it is all about meeting their needs and they are indifferent to their food source.

Some people are like this.  They have a hunger that cannot be satiated.  You can give and give, and when you are lying dead on the floor they will move on to someone else because they are still hungry.

I don't know about you, but I am still trying to figure out how to protect myself from energy vampires and soul suckers.  I believe that it is an important skill to learn.  As sovereign beings, we are responsible to set our boundaries to protect ourselves.

And luckily, not everyone we interact with is a soul sucker.

There are others, people who give.  Sometimes it's a two-hour conversation with both of you crying.  Other times it's a smile from across the room when you really need it.  These people are soul healers.  These people are well fillers.

I want to be like them.  But I'm a beginner.  I still vacillate between the two.  Sometimes I drain.  Sometimes I give.

But someday I want to be like those rare gems who are true healers.  These people can fill you up even when they are in crisis.  They receive more by giving.  Somehow, they have learned to protect themselves and still give away as much as is needed.

These people are the angels who walk among us.  And most of them don't even realize it.

The Blessings of Chronic Illness

Last night I had a conversation with someone who knew nothing of my chronic illness.  This is someone I only run into occasionally, who has only seen me when I'm doing well.  Which makes sense because when I'm not well I generally don't leave my house.

I don't remember what brought us to the topic of my health, but there we were.  I was explaining to her that I've fought debilitating fatigue for twelve years and a chronic headache for nearly eight.  With no answers as to why.  And I watched her face change.  There was concern and sadness.  And she expressed as much.  As she said what kind of specialists have you seen and doesn't anyone have any answers and oh, how hard that must be, I realized I don't see it that way.

And I told her of the blessings I've received because of my chronic illness.  (Some of which I've written about here.)

As a society, we tend to celebrate busyness.  Go, go, go.  That's how to be a good person.  Do, do, do.  There's never enough time in the day.  We have too much to do.  Why can't we do and have it all?  Chronic illness has taught me that this is foolish. 

Doing just to be busy is worthless.  Even damaging.  When we do and have more and more, it is usually worth less and less.  There is such value in choosing how we live our lives, every moment of our lives, instead of getting caught in the rushing flow of life as it happens around us.  And sometimes choosing to do nothing.  Choosing to be still and quiet.  Choosing to do only one thing at a time instead of always multitasking.  Teaching our minds to be at peace.

There are people who can learn this without chronic illness.  I am not one of them.  If I felt better, even now after all I've learned, I would be running around like a chicken with my head cut off -- just like I used to.  Bragging (without realizing it) in a martyr-like way about how busy I was.  Holding my exhaustion up as a badge of honor for the war of busy I fought.  Busy because I couldn't bring myself to give anything up.  Because I didn't have the willpower to choose what was important and get rid of what wasn't.  Because I didn't understand that empty spaces in my schedule were worth choosing. 

I needed chronic illness.  I needed the smack in the head that said, "Sit down and be quiet!"  I needed to be forced to pay attention to other things.  I needed to question the desires of my heart and decide what was important enough to me to spend the tiny bit of energy I have on it.  And it can be summed up in one word.  People.

The things I was doing before were good things.  But most of them were not of eternal significance.  People are of eternal significance.

I'm still working toward the ideal for me.  For now, I have structured my life in such a way that I am able to take the time to be with people when I need to.  I'm blessed that my husband makes enough money that I don't have to work (which I couldn't do anyway because of my health).  I'm blessed that the days of small children needing all my time are behind me.  As I create my new life, which is constantly in flux, the one thing that must remain true is my ability to be with people.  I need this.  To set other things aside and just visit.

Maybe it's an hour chatting on my porch.  Maybe it's a trip out for ice cream.  Maybe it's lunch.  Whatever it is, it will involve intimate conversation about things that matter.  Things no one else has the time to listen to.  I have the time.  I protect the time so that I can offer it to others.

I still have to take care of myself.  I have to remember that I am important, too.  I have to remember that if I don't take care of myself I will have nothing left to offer others.

It is the desire of my heart to connect with people.  To lift and strengthen them.  And in so doing I am lifted.  I am strengthened.  Instead of draining my tiny bit of energy, it increases.  It feeds my soul.

My illnesses and life struggles have taught me empathy and an understanding of a great many things.  Between physical health problems and mental health issues, and the diagnosis and treatment of both, I've waded through many dark waters.  Certainly not all of them, but many of them.  Sometimes I am miserable and hurting.  But I would not trade it for the world.  Because it has blessed me with an understanding heart.

If I could go back in time and do something different that prevented me from getting ill, I wouldn't.  I am so grateful for what I've learned and how I've grown.  I am so blessed to be able to offer what I can.  And none of this would have been possible without my chronic illness.

I watched her face change again as I told her these things.  I watched it soften.  I watched her smile.

If I don't learn from these experiences and bless the lives of others through what I've learned, then it was just a lot of ugliness and unhappiness and pain.  But if I use it to reach out, it meant something.  It has value.  It has eternal significance.

The Power of Women

I have four daughters and one son.  They range in ages from 12-20 years.  We are talkers.  We talk about almost anything.  One of the things we talk about a lot is human behavior.

Recently we were watching a movie.  One girl got angry at another girl for a perceived offense.  She then began to systematically ruin this girl's social life.  And so began our conversation.

My son didn't see it coming.  My daughters were all able to predict what would happen each step along the way.  It seems this is one way males and females are still different.

My husband taught me about how boys handle things like this.  He told me a story about when he was in junior high.  A boy had a problem with him, didn't like him.  He told my husband so.  My husband said that was fine because he didn't like the boy either.  Soon the fists were flying.  They both got in trouble.  The police were involved.  They learned their lesson.  And before long, they were good friends.

As I've talked to men over the years I've come to understand that this is a common happening.  Guys have a problem, they deal with it (not always with fists), and often they become friends afterward.  If not, at least they are direct and know where they each stand.  Then they just leave each other alone.

Girls, on the other hand, are not as direct.  They often continue to act friendly in person but destroy each other behind their backs.  They spread rumors, they steal friends, they poison the social waters in any way they can.  And it works.  It works because girls/women are of the heart.

We understand how people feel.  We learn what is important to them.  We understand that they are social creatures, that cutting off their social support is like suffocating them.  We know how to hurt another person in a way that is so much deeper than a physical injury.  And because we are of the heart, these wounds damage us.  This attack works.

I wish I could say this ends in junior high.  For some of us it probably does.  I've known some incredible women who would never say anything bad about another person, who would never strike at another's soul.

I wish I was one of them, but I'm not.  Sometimes I'm petty.  Sometimes I'm jealous and self-centered.  Sometimes I'm just impatient.  And often I am critical.

As women we have an incredible ability to do good.  We can use this same power to lift others up.  Instead of seeing how those around us don't measure up, we can look for things they are doing well and praise them.  We can encourage them.  We can thank them.  It's this same exact power -- the power of the heart -- that offers us this choice.  We can do so much good or so much harm.

People don't need to be told what they are doing wrong; they already know.  They need to be told that they are of worth.  They need to be told that they are capable of better, that we believe in them.  They need to be appreciated for what they have to offer, not told how they are lacking.

I am a woman.  I have the power of the heart.  I commit today to use this power more wisely and kindly.  Because I can.  I have a choice.  I hope you will join me.

Watching Clouds Dance -- Smartly

I have a new essay up on Smartly.  It's a moment out of time, a moment of freedom.  Of peace.  Blue sky and one little cloud.  Spend some time with me Watching Clouds Dance.

Protect the Space/Time Continuum

The beginning of a new year is a great time for evaluation.  A time to think about where you are in life, what things you want to change, how to make a better you.

Poppycock!

Once a year to evaluate life?  Are you kidding me?  I do that at least once a week, sometimes every day.

Needless to say I do not make New Year's resolutions.  I tried a couple of times when I was younger and it was not a good thing.  I am a perfectionist at heart.  Like, to a clinical point.  So I don't do well when I mess up.  Really, really not well.  I know this about myself.  And since I haven't beaten the perfectionist thing yet I dropped the resolution thing instead.  Sometimes you need to honor your weaknesses.

However, I do believe in self-improvement.  I believe in changing life to make it what you want it to be.  And I am just now coming out of a dark time in my life.  A pretty big funk.  I am ready for some change and some light.

I am ready to get back to the quest of me.  Finding myself.  The true me that I want to be.  Connecting to purity and truth in the universe that will make me feel more whole.

Doesn't that sound nice.  Just reading it makes me take a deep breath and feel better.

I do want a focus, but nothing too specific and restrictive.  I want a more bohemian feel to it.  Loose and free-flowing.  Too much definition kills the peace that I am looking for.

I am going to protect the space/time continuum.  My space/time continuum.

Space and time are interesting things.  Both are infinite in the universe; however, both are limited in our individual lives. 

Because they are limited I want to use them wisely.  I am not happy when they slip by unnoticed and disappear into nothingness.  Never to be seen again.

I am concentrating more on my time.  Whom I choose to share it with.  What I choose to spend it on.  And refusing to let it be stolen.

Similarly, I am protecting and reclaiming my space.  Deciding who and what gets to share it with me.  It's not so much about getting rid of things that are taking it from me as it is creating more of the space I want.  That I crave.

It's not about cleaning and organizing.  It's not about scheduling better and saying no more often.  It's about choosing a better way of life for myself.  It's a paradigm shift.

It's about looking at life through a crystal, letting all the facets shine in majestic glory.  And letting them radiate in my soul.

Game On, Girlfriend!

There is something truly magical about ladies' game night.

These became a part of my life many years ago, when my kids were still young.  A few friends and I discovered that we shared a common interest in board games.  Our lives were crazy busy.  But somehow, we found a way.

With much planning, scheduling, and sometimes begging we each arranged for a night off duty.  I can't tell you how much that meant at that time.  And it still means a lot.  A night when everyone you are with will be reponsible for herself.  No worries, just play!

Each game night is different.  We play at different homes.  Different people come.  We play different games.  Sometimes we talk more than we play.  But one thing is the same.  Every time.  It feeds my soul.

With no fragile male egos to get in the way, the dynamics of games change.  While we still trash talk (in a very toned down, not at all serious, way), we also rejoice in each others' successes.  We laugh at each other and at ourselves.  We can get fiercely competetive one minute and console each other the next.

And the biggest difference from those game nights with the guys -- we talk.  And talk.  And talk.  About anything and everything.  We talk about potty training and gardening.  We talk about religion and politics.  We talk about parenting and marital struggles.  But more importantly, we listen.  We listen to each other.  We commiserate.  And we love.  We love each other freely, even in the midst of battle.

Cliche' though it may be, there is power in the sisterhood of women.  And I am grateful for my sistas -- thanks for hangin' in the hood with me.

Energy Vampires and Soul Suckers

Have you ever noticed that there are some people in life who are just draining?  Any interaction with them will leave you feeling depleted.  With some people it takes a long conversation full of their needs and ignoring yours before it hits.  With others, it's as soon as they enter the room.  As soon as you see them -- whoosh!  Energy drain.  It's almost like you can feel the life leaving your body.

Sometimes a person is truly in crisis.  They need to talk and if you can listen and give of yourself, they will get better.  It's a momentary crisis.  And they give back when it's you who are struggling.  They listen.  They give.  This doesn't seem to be so draining.  Partly because they refill you when you need it and partly because you are giving willingly.

But other people just take.  They corner you and utilize you.  They barrage you and then leave you in a crumpled heap.  You are glad it's over, but you know they'll be back.

Giving of yourself is charitable.  It's the Christlike thing to do.  I can hear the arguments.  And you're right; it is.  But what about the cost to you?

I think of Little Shop of Horrors.  Seymour tries to appease Audrey II with his own blood.  He soon discovers that he can't satisfy Audrey II's appetite.  And think of the Skeksis from The Dark Crystal.  They drain the Gelflings to fill themselves.  In both cases, it is all about meeting their needs and they are indifferent to their food source.

Some people are like this.  They have a hunger that cannot be satiated.  You can give and give, and when you are lying dead on the floor they will move on to someone else because they are still hungry.

I don't know about you, but I am still trying to figure out how to protect myself from energy vampires and soul suckers.  I believe that it is an important skill to learn.  As sovereign beings, we are responsible to set our boundaries to protect ourselves.

And luckily, not everyone we interact with is a soul sucker.

There are others, people who give.  Sometimes it's a two-hour conversation with both of you crying.  Other times it's a smile from across the room when you really need it.  These people are soul healers.  These people are well fillers.

I want to be like them.  But I'm a beginner.  I still vacillate between the two.  Sometimes I drain.  Sometimes I give.

But someday I want to be like those rare gems who are true healers.  These people can fill you up even when they are in crisis.  They receive more by giving.  Somehow, they have learned to protect themselves and still give away as much as is needed.

These people are the angels who walk among us.  And most of them don't even realize it.