Girlfriend Therapy

There are many kinds of therapy.  Physical therapy, chemotherapy, psychotherapy.  Some people believe in the powers of retail therapy.  I'm a big fan of caloric therapy.

Basically, therapy is meant to heal.  Whatever is wrong, we try to find a therapy to fix it.

Now, even within the field of psychotherapy there are many different disciplines and styles.  Each therapist has his or her own way of trying to help people.  I've seen several different therapists professionally and while they each helped, they did so in varying ways.

Therapy can be scary.  The idea of going to see a therapist is intimidating.  I know.  I had to overcome this, too.  And sometimes only a professional therapist can help.  Sometimes you need answers that only they can give you.  Or sometimes they can recommend exercises to help you work through something.  Or maybe you need medication.

But in all my experiences with therapy over these last few years I have learned one very important thing.  The most important element in therapy, for me, is having someone listen to me.  Having someone value me.  Having someone give me a reality check and tell me I'm not crazy for feeling the way I do.

Some therapists are better at this than others.  Some have difficulty remaining silent long enough for me to say what I'm trying to say.  Others think they know what I mean without checking in to see if they've interpreted me correctly.  Then there are those precious few.  The ones who get me.  They understand.  Much of our communication is unspoken but completely understood.

And now that I've worked through most of the major things I've found a less expensive way to get the validation I need.

I call it girlfriend therapy.  Me and one or two friends out at lunch, talking for 2 or 3 hours while we eat.  Listening to each other.  Validating.  Valuing.  Or maybe it's a quicker session and we go get ice cream or a slushie.  We talk in the car on the way there and back, and for longer than we normally would in front of her house when I drop her off.

It's more than just being with another adult.  It's more than just a break from the everyday routine.  It's knowing that I'm with someone safe -- emotionally safe -- who cares about me and truly wants me to heal.

Sometimes a night out or a lunch with a big group of women is wonderfully satisfying.  But nothing can beat that one on one intimacy.  That moment that says, "I put the rest of my life on hold to be with you today because you are important to me.  How can I help you?"

And the funny thing is that it is healing for everyone involved.  Even if I go intending to be the listener, the giver, I still come away feeling so much better.  So much stronger. 

And most importantly I feel valued. 

Just like with therapists, if it's not a good fit keep looking.  If you haven't found the right friend to truly help you feel more like yourself when you're with her, keep trying.  Chances are there are many women out there searching for the same thing.  A relationship of mutual caring.  A confidant.  A listening ear.  Some truly healing girlfriend therapy.

Not only is it much cheaper than traditional therapy, it's also much more rewarding.  And right in your own neighborhood.

Your Place or Mine?

My husband and I have separate bedrooms.

I'll just let you sit with that for a moment and get all the judgments out of the way.

Feel better?  Good.  Let's move on.

Okay, maybe you already knew.  Maybe it doesn't bother you.  Maybe it makes you just a little unsettled.  Maybe you think it's just plain wrong.  Whatever your reaction, it's okay.  I don't mind what other people think about it.

I was surprised when it bothered other people so much though.  I didn't realize that our sleeping arrangements were of interest to anyone else.  My elderly neighbor found out and thought it was his place to counsel me strongly against it as we were standing in line at the grocery store.  Most people just raise an eyebrow but keep their mouths shut.  My therapist was thrilled.

It was either separate rooms or divorce.  We tried separation, but we missed each other.  And sharing a room was too much.  When we aren't getting along sleeping on the couch just doesn't do it.  We need to be able to go to our corners.

There were lots of things that went into the decision.  There was a little worry about judgment initially.  We worried about how our kids would react. 

All in all, it's been great for us.  Our kids have even told me how much better things seem.

There are tons of benefits.  He snores and talks in his sleep; I am a light sleeper.  He goes to bed early because he has to get up early; I am almost never in bed before midnight.  He can listen to music to go to sleep; I can read in bed for hours.  My room can be what I want it to be and his can be what he wants it to be.  And many, many more.

Please don't think I am taking a stand on sleeping arrangements.  I have no idea what is best for you in your house.  It was the right decision for us.

We aren't forced to spend time together.  Because we have separate bedrooms, we have to choose it.  But it's okay, because we do.

I Love Getting Intimate

Verbally, that is.

I love the one-on-one conversation.  Face to face.  Eye to eye.  Soul to soul.

It's best when there will be no interruptions.  And it only really works when both participants are interested.

But when two people choose to be honest with each other, open about who they are and how they feel, trusting that they are loved and accepted by the other person -- it's magical!

It can be deep.  It can be shallow.  It just needs to be real in order to have power.

When I am fortunate enough to have conversation like this, I am more.  I am more because this person chose to give of themselves to me.  They gave me part of who they are.  Usually, a tender part.  A precious part.

And when this part is added to all that I am, I grow. 

It takes a brave soul to allow others to see them purely.  To see them unvarnished.  Uncovered.  Open.  Flaws and all.

And only through conversations like this can we truly come to know that it is the flaws that make us beautiful.

Game On, Girlfriend!

There is something truly magical about ladies' game night.

These became a part of my life many years ago, when my kids were still young.  A few friends and I discovered that we shared a common interest in board games.  Our lives were crazy busy.  But somehow, we found a way.

With much planning, scheduling, and sometimes begging we each arranged for a night off duty.  I can't tell you how much that meant at that time.  And it still means a lot.  A night when everyone you are with will be reponsible for herself.  No worries, just play!

Each game night is different.  We play at different homes.  Different people come.  We play different games.  Sometimes we talk more than we play.  But one thing is the same.  Every time.  It feeds my soul.

With no fragile male egos to get in the way, the dynamics of games change.  While we still trash talk (in a very toned down, not at all serious, way), we also rejoice in each others' successes.  We laugh at each other and at ourselves.  We can get fiercely competetive one minute and console each other the next.

And the biggest difference from those game nights with the guys -- we talk.  And talk.  And talk.  About anything and everything.  We talk about potty training and gardening.  We talk about religion and politics.  We talk about parenting and marital struggles.  But more importantly, we listen.  We listen to each other.  We commiserate.  And we love.  We love each other freely, even in the midst of battle.

Cliche' though it may be, there is power in the sisterhood of women.  And I am grateful for my sistas -- thanks for hangin' in the hood with me.

Coffee Talk

I have a deficiency.  A need, if you will.  I need a neighborhood coffee shop.

Okay, not really a coffee shop.  I don't actually drink coffee.  But I need something like it.  I need a place where I can go and just be.  Alone, with a friend, or with a group of friends.  A place to just be.  Neutral territory.  No time limit and no tasks to complete.  A place to think or to visit.  A place to share or to plan.

I imagine that there are a few places like this around.  But I have not found them.  I have tried many to see if they fit.  Some are okay, others a wreck.  Not one of them is just right.

Finding a place to ponder alone is generally a little easier, especially in good weather.  A park.  The mountains.  The library.  The museum.  My car.

A place for visiting with friends is a little more difficult.  Again, good weather opens up more opportunities.  And if you want to share a meal, there are many choices.  But what if you just want to share each other's company?  A small snack or drink and lots of conversation.  How do you do that?

There's something to be said for meeting somewhere.  Out.  Not at each other's houses or the local Hogi Yogi.  Somewhere with atmosphere.  Somewhere relaxing.  Somewhere comfortable.

And then once I find the place, I have to convince others of the value of taking time doing nothing.  Just being together.  Sharing a space.  Experiencing each other's thoughts and feelings.

But I guess I'd better stick to one thing at a time.  On with the hunt!