My Facebook Fast

A week ago tomorrow I was done.  Absolutely finished.  I couldn't stand one more minute on Facebook.  So I decided to take a break.

I didn't start out planning to be off for a week.  Just a few days to cleanse my system.  It was making me anxious.  I was feeling social pressure (that probably wasn't even there but was just in my own head).  I felt compelled to like this or comment on that to make sure she knew I was reading her stuff or he knew I still paid attention to his life or she felt like I liked her.  Seriously, it was ridiculous.

I was not feeling peace.  I wasn't acting; I was reacting.  I wasn't being true to myself.  And I am not okay with that.

So I announced my departure and went away.

And very soon I was anxious about being away.  I missed it terribly.  And I started to wonder why.  I started to examine my feelings and their causes.  Why was I uncomfortable being away?  What was it that Facebook was fulfilling in me that pulled me back even though it had been causing me negative feelings?

So I spent the next few days watching my own behavior and paying attention to the pull.

This is what I learned.

The thing I missed most was knowing what was going on in my friends' lives, especially within my own neighborhood.  I missed knowing when a friend was having a bad day or hurting.  I missed knowing who was having a birthday that day.  I missed knowing when someone in my neighborhood needed help.  Facebook has opened up communication in a way that just wasn't there before.  People share more.  I can get the info immediately or whenever it's convenient for me.  We can have a communal conversation over several days.  It's awesome like that.

But the flip side of it is over sharing or people sharing things I just don't want in my life.  Political/religious disagreements.  Posts with the F word.  Griping/whining in a victim-y way, with the same complaints over and over with no intention to try to make their own world better.  Pity parties.  Sexual images and/or status updates.  Non-stop selfies.  Contentious behavior of all kinds.  And certain people who just rub me the wrong way no matter what whom I hid from my feed but then they show up anyway because one of our friends in common likes or comments on their post.  I didn't miss those things.

Of secondary importance, I felt like I lost my voice.  My ability to communicate with the world was severely diminished.  Many times a day I wanted to share something and didn't.  I think this was the most important area for me to evaluate and an area I still need to work on.

I've always been curious.  I find many things interesting and always have.  Growing up I used to talk all the time -- ALL THE TIME!  I made people crazy.  I could sometimes sense it but didn't understand why.  The things I was saying were so interesting (I thought).  I don't remember how old I was when I finally understood (but it was probably much older than I should have been).  I don't remember what happened to precipitate it, but I remember distinctly realizing that I didn't need to share every thought that popped into my head.  In fact, it made people crazy that I did that.  It was truly an awakening moment for me.  It's taken years for me to learn to be quiet, because my brain never shuts up.  (It was many more years after that before I learned that other people want to share, too, and it's so important to listen.)

Facebook has been this lesson all over again.  I find so many things interesting in a day.  I have so many thoughts that I think are incredibly clever.  So many observations I find fascinating.  So many news stories I think are noteworthy and/or important.  I want to share them all.  And some days I know I'm sharing more on Facebook than others want to read/know, but I just can't stop myself.  I can hear people rolling their eyes at me when I post the third news article in a 15 minute time span.  To all of you who are my Facebook friends, please know I do try and I do censor and you aren't getting half the things I want to share.  You're welcome.

And it would be bad enough if that were my only sharing problem, but it isn't.  I started paying attention to the status updates I wanted to post.  So often this last week I found myself wanting to post snotty or complaining status updates.  The kind of communication that has become so much a part of our society.  The kind of communication that takes place on so many of today's TV shows that it's just become how we communicate with each other.  The kind of communication that's flippant and sarcastic, that we've all come to accept as appropriate humor.  The kind of communication that isn't Christlike or kind or sincere.

I don't want that to be my communication style.

Facebook is just too easy and quick and removed.  I don't have to think through, censor, or see the reaction to my thoughts the way I should.

I also missed seeing the updates from my daughter who is on a mission and knowing she's still okay.  That was hard on my heart.

There are lots of other things I missed and lots of other things I didn't miss at all.

So am I ready to get back on?  Kind of.

I still don't feel sure of my ability to regulate my behavior in a way that will bring me peace.  So I'm going to ease into it.  Tomorrow I will begin reading Facebook again.  I will communicate through the private message system about important things.  I will like my missionary daughter's posts so she knows I'm seeing them.  But I will not "like" any other posts.  I will not comment on any other posts.  I will strive to be an observer for a while as I continue to examine my thoughts and feelings.

When I feel like I can be true to myself and behave in a way that brings peace to my heart, I will participate fully again.  Until then, I'm going to practice observing and listening.

Tell Me What You Know About God

Or what you believe.  Or think.  Or understand to be true.  Or wonder.

And then I'll tell you what I know and we'll both be better for it.

If I tell you what I know, and it's different from what you know, will you take offense?  Will it cause bad feelings between us?  Will you feel judged by me?  Will you feel superior to me?

If I tell you what I know, and you are unsure about God, will it make you feel insecure?  Will you feel like I'm trying to convert you?  Will you feel like I'm trying to tell you what to believe?

If you tell me what you know, will it be because you want to convert me?  Will it be because you feel it's your duty?  Will it be because you have truth that I should have?  Will it be because you care for me?  Will it be to condemn me?

If I tell you what I know about God, will it make you uncomfortable?

If you tell me what you know about God, will you try to use it to control me?

I'm fascinated by the beliefs of others.  My faith (the faith within me, not my church) brings me so much joy.  I wish everyone could experience it.  But I don't believe my faith is the only way to find joy.  I believe truth brings joy.  I believe there is a lot of truth out there that I don't know yet.

I've spent my whole life surrounded by people who were almost all members of the same church as me.  I used to think that meant we all had the same perception and understanding of God.  As I've grown I've learned this is not at all true.  There are some general things most of us believe, but there are also differences.  We know different things.

Because you can study and research and ponder every word that has ever been written about God and not know Him as well as a little girl who prays when she is scared.  This little girl who feels something outside of herself that makes her feel safe.  This little girl who feels a strength beyond her own.  If all you do is read and study and ponder, she will know more about God than you do.  Because she will know God.

Maybe you've felt something, sensed something, been aware of something beyond what you can explain.  Maybe you aren't ready to call that God.  Or maybe you call it something else.  I'd love to hear your story.

Or maybe you've never had a sense of anything beyond this world and think others are deceiving themselves.  That it's a happy fairy tale we use to make this world a little less scary.  I'd love to hear your story, too.

A few simple truths I know about God.  My truth.  (People say truth is truth and we can't have different truths, but I don't believe that.  Because our truth isn't just about what is true.  Our truth is also based on who we are and how we can receive it and process it.)

God is aware of each of us individually.  He was once like us.  He experienced mortal life on a world like ours.  He is now God because of the way He lived that life.  He earned it.  He is the Father of our spirits.  He has a physical body but not like ours.  His body is perfected.  And as His children, we have the potential to become like Him.  To do wonderful things after this life.  And hard things, too.  To continue to grow and progress and become.

As our Father, He hurts with us.  He allows difficult things to happen but almost never causes them.  He knows the best us we can be.  He knows hard things are how we get there.  He knows we are strengthened by the resistance of trials.

He knows me.  My life is better when I turn to Him and let Him guide me.  He does not control or force.  If we want Him to be a part of our lives, we have to choose to invite Him.  He waits for that invitation and it brings Him joy to answer it.  We are His purpose.

These are some of my truths about God.  As I grow and learn and experience some of them might change.  Some of my truths will be expanded upon.  I might see others from a different angle.  And some of them may no longer be my truths.  It will be fun to see.

Now I've told you some of what I know about God.  All those questions I asked in the beginning, I'm asking again.  Do you feel threatened by my truths?  Do you feel judged by my truths?  Do you feel superior to me because of my truths?  Do my truths align with yours or challenge yours?

I would love it if you'd share some of your truths with me.  Or just thoughts or feelings or questions.  Questions we can ponder together.  Tell me what you know about God.

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I welcome all opinions and viewpoints, but if you are unkind or abusive or disrespectful I will delete your comment.

Curiouser and Curiouser

There is a part of my brain that will always be two years old.  Lots of "wassat?" and "why?"

So many things intrigue me.  Sometimes I don't even finish figuring one thing out before I'm moving on to the next.

A recent example.  I was walking uphill on a sidewalk.  The sidewalk, residing in Utah, had obviously shifted some due to the freeze/thaw cycle.  So rather than be flat, like when it was laid, you could tell the ends of some blocks had risen above the ends they met on the next block.  But this was a public sidewalk and needed to allow for travel without tripping.  So the ends that had risen above the others had been trimmed, shaved down, if you will, to make them level again.  I found myself fascinated with that.  How did they do that?  I'd love to watch it done sometime.  I'd love to see the machine they use to do it.

I am also always curious about words I don't know.  My kids ask, "Mom, what does this word mean?"  If it's one I'm not familiar with they groan when they hear the familiar answer, "I don't know.  Let's look it up!"  And if they get away without being forced to hear the definition, they can be sure to find it in their email.  Dictionary.com is one of the sites I visit most frequently.

I also love learning about science.  The human body:  Why does this cause this?  Space:  Scientists discover a new phenomenon.  Psychology:  They are working on the new DSMV and it's online; I can read it just for fun to see what's new!

It also happens when I'm watching movies.  She looks familiar; what else have I seen her in?  If I can't figure it out quickly, I often stop the movie and go look it up on my other favorite site, IMDB.com.  Look up the movie.  Look up the character.  Look up the actress and find out what else she's been in.  Ahhh . . . satisfaction.  I can watch the movie now.

I'm always researching something.  Studying something.

Yes, it gets irritating to the people around me. 
     "I don't know -- I'll look it up!"
     "Please don't.  I don't really care that much."

This I don't understand.  I don't understand how people can have a question, not get the answer, and not care.

But when they have a question, who do they go to?  Who do they believe is the repository of all knowledge?  Who do they treat as a walking dictionary/thesaurus/encyclopedia?

That's right.  Me.  And that's okay.  Because every question I get that I don't know the answer to is another opportunity to learn.  And I am so very curious!