Friday, August 16, 2013

Trusting in God's Timing

Here's the thing.  I do.  I really do.  I trust that He knows what He's doing and everything is going to work out okay.  Eventually.

It's the eventually thing that sucks.

Why can't it be now?  Why do I have to watch week after week as my husband goes through interview after interview and disappointment after disappointment? 

When my husband was laid off I wasn't worried.  Really.  Not worried at all.  In our twenty-three years of marriage he's been laid off eleven times.  He's good at finding a job.  He's highly employable.  He's a hard worker and a loyal employee. 

But it's been nearly two months now and my relaxed attitude is pretty much gone.

I love him and it's so hard on him to be rejected over and over.  He wonders what he's doing wrong.  He struggles with depression and feelings of low self-worth.  He tries to stay positive and keep his hopes up, but then those same hopes crash every time he's passed over for a position.

It breaks my heart.

I try to help him fight the depression.  I believe in him and tell him so.  I value him whether he's employed or not.  But that only helps so much.  He still questions his worth when he can't support his family.

And I've been really struggling with depression, too.

I feel so powerless.  I wish I could get a job and help out, but my health just won't allow it.  I really can't do anything to help him interview better or find better job opportunities.  All I can do is support him and try to manage our home.

And the stress of trying to keep our home afloat makes me feel like throwing up a great deal of the time.

We are receiving unemployment, which is less than half of what we were earning before.  We have cut every expense we can.  We have thousands of dollars in medical bills, some of which have gone to collections.  We have had to ask our daughter to help with some costs.  We've had to ask my dad for money.  And we've had to go to our church for food and help with the bills.

I am grateful that these things are available, but don't let anyone kid you.  It sucks to have to ask for help.  A lot.  Being an adult and not being able to pay your own way is a pretty major kick in the emotional teeth.

If I could just see down the road a bit, see when it's going to get better.  Then maybe I could focus on other things instead of obsessing about how I'm going to keep the lights on and the medical debtors at bay.

God's smart.  He knows what He's doing.  But I want what I want and I want it now!  I want my husband to get a job.  Now!  I want him to feel valued and productive again.  Now!  I want him to be proud of himself again.  Now!  And I want us to be able to pay our own way again.  Now!

And yet, when I pray tonight, when I converse with God and express my gratitude and ask for what I want, I will still include, "If it be thy will."

Because I do trust Him.  Even if I feel like throwing up while waiting.


Bonnie said...

I love you. Wrapping my mind around having my heart broken (that heart that was set on being self-sufficient) has been good. But no glad game happening here. It stinks big time. I love you.

karen said...

HUGS I know the feeling all too well...I couldn't find work for over a year and didn't even get called on interviews. We lost our condo and all our savings. I did trust God and while the journey was tough and scary, I love where we ended up...stronger, wiser, and more loving.

Going to pray for you, you certainly need a break babe.

Dawnelle said...

I know just the feeling!

Mothering From Scratch said...

Robin, I'm so sorry you're family is going through this. And I know what you mean. I've been in those situations where life just stunk. I trusted God would take care of us and things would get better, but the reality of the moment made it so hard to wait. I've asked God that exact question, "Look, I've learned some lessons here! How long do I have to wait for things to get better? Why can't it be now?"

Hugs and prayers to you, my friend. <3

Anonymous said...

Your family and your home have always impressed me so much with the challenges you face and the strength that always remains. I am eternally grateful to have a you in my life. You guys are in my prayers for sure!

LaShawn said...

Praying for you guys! We've been through the same thing in my house so I know how you are feeling! (HUGS) said...

Robin, I understand what you mean. My husband was laid off for nearly 9 months! It is difficult when your man is down and the household dynamic changes but it is in these times we cannot waver in our faith. We cannot. I'm not sure where you live but I urge you to contact the number on the hospital bill as many hospitals have hardship programs for those who meet the income guidelines. They can write those bills off. Please give that a try. I just sent a prayer up for you and your family. Be blessed. (Consider freelance. You're an excellent writer!) #sitssharefest

Vicki M. Taylor said...

God knows the path each of us must follow and He doesn't reveal the destination or even the stops along the way. We must trust and have faith. As humans, we are not meant to be patient. God knows that, which is why he teaches us patience all the time. Depression is hard to battle. I totally understand. I have Bipolar Disorder and depression is part of my illness. I can tell you that relieving stress is a big part of getting your depression under control, however; I realize that in your current circumstances that's a little hard to do. I'll pray for you. Followed you from SITS, have a blessed day.

Unknown said...

Such a beautiful and honest post. Thank you for sharing your doubts and fears it is encouraging to others. I love your site, I admire your honesty. You're my kind of woman.
Praying that God's plan will become clear very soon.
Blessings to you both x

K. Elizabeth @ YUMMommy said...

We've been in a similar position. I'll definitely keep you all in prayer. Have you considered trying out fundraising sites like I know that asking for help as an adult can make us feel less than but there are options and good Samaritans willing to help out during your time of need.

Stopping by from SITS.

Chris Carter said...

Oh Robin... I am so so deeply sorry you and your husband and family have to be suffering through this time of your lives!
OKay- so perhaps if you look back on your life and truly reflect on God's perfect timing through out your greatest hardships, you will be less wanting to throw up?!!
That always helps me, my friend. God will reveal it all to you- where He was when.

Will pray you through!!

Alison said...

Oh my, Robin! This is tough. Really tough. Please know that I will be praying for a job to open up for your hubby, and for both of your to be strengthened by God in the in-between-jobs time.

SupermomToki said...

God always has His own timing for everything. It took me years to realize this. Like you I wanted things instantly and in a snap of a finger. But He taught me long suffering, patience and what it means to have a brightness of hope. That no matter how dark our lives are, He is the hope and the sole provider of our trust. I pray you can endure well your trials Robin. Because like me, I'm sure there's more to come. I bask in the midst of my trials now because I always know that this too shall pass. God bless and much love.

Chris Carter said...

I'm BACK!! I had to come back because I was listening to my Beth Moore book on Daniel, and she said something that totally made me think of you!! I wish I could use her exact words and line of thinking, but I will do my best with my own...

God can make anything happen, ANHYTHING!! He breathed life into this world! But sometimes he likes to allow us to grow, and the only way we can grow our faith is to PRACTICE it! (ouch)
Her context is so much deeper and the storyline of God allowing an angel to fight it out for 21 days before appearing to Daniel etc.

Perhaps you can look at this as another means to grow your faith and establish your days in documenting your faith during this season? Turn your perspective to this side of the struggle. Rise in His Light and show God how good you will work your faith muscles!!

He wants to see how you respond to this latest struggle. How strong is your faith?


(Oh Lord, I hope this came out right!! If not, just take it all as evidence that at least I was thinking about you and praying for you!!)

Rachel Cotterill said...

I can only imagine how hard this must be for you. But the job market can't stay tough forever, and it sounds like he has loads of experience interviewing and applying, so hopefully it won't be too long before something suitable comes along.

The Dose of Reality said...

Oh, Robin. I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I'm glad that you have some places to turn for help, but UGH...that is not an easy thing to do.
It's so hard to keep a positive outlook for yourself and your spouse when you are battling this economy, etc. Even if you have all the possible faith in the world, it's not easy.
I'll be praying for you guys. --Lisa

Sharon said...

So understand. I told myself that I would be patient and wait on GOD. I am getting better at this as I get older. There are some things that I want done now, but I know that I can't rush GOD. So, this time, I'm trying his way and "allowing him." The worries are at bay right now...praying and hoping that I can continue to push worry aside and allow things to happen.

Shana Norris said...

I just read your post, then all the wonderful comments that were left here. There is so much love and wisdom in these comments and I'm in awe of the support these amazing women have given you.

Honeybee said...

I hear you. I'm sorry to hear about this. Look at God’s promise in Psalm 50:15 – Call upon me in the day of trouble; I will deliver you, and you shall glorify me. Believe God is in complete control. He will provide the job and income you need. My prayer goes to you. Stay strong. Hugs, Honeybee.

Julie Jamison said...

So sorry to hear what you and your family are going through...we've had our troubling times as well...still do. when things get really bad for us, I just remind myself that God doesn't give us anything that we can't handle.

Stay positve.

Anonymous said...

I was sexually, mentally, emotionally and verbally abused by my grandfather as far back as I can remember. He did many terrible things, some of which are too distasteful for me to talk about publicly...I want to share my testimony, because so many people have been hurt, and they need to realize that someone has made it through their struggles so they can have hope. More than anything, I want you to know and really understand that anyone who has been abused can fully recover if they will give their life completely to the Lord...It may seem impossible, but God's truth has set me free from a life of pretense and lies and has restored my soul. I am living proof that nothing is too hard for God. No matter what you've been through or how bad you hurt, there is hope!