I will never be the same. I want my old life back. If only I could go back in time and do it differently.
It's so easy to find ourselves wanting things to be the way they used to be. Especially when things are tough or we're insecure about who we are right this moment. Why do we do that? Why do we want to go backwards?
This is a forward life. Time only moves one direction. There is no going back. Even if you can change your decision you haven't really gone back and undone anything. Because you are different. You have learned something from that experience. Even if all you learned was regret.
Years ago my marriage was abusive. I'd lived with it for years and told no one. If anyone suspected it, they never said anything to me. And then one day all my life experiences combined to make me see it and face it. I finally told someone. I finally decided to change it.
And my world fell apart.
Things got ugly. Really ugly. Suddenly my husband was accusing me of having an affair, threatening divorce, and even sleeping somewhere else. As I melted down and became lost in my misery I said, "I wish I could go back and just leave things the way they were."
But I couldn't. Because the truth had been told and because I knew too much. Living with it in ignorance and hidden is quite a different thing than knowingly and openly letting it continue.
Lots of therapy for both of us later, my marriage is good. We've both learned so much. We've grown. We've changed. We are better individually and together. Because we didn't go backwards.
Sometimes when I am feeling sorry for myself because I don't feel well, I long for the days of my youth. I remember all the energy I had. I remember all I could do. I remember how fun and bright I was. I wish I could be that me again.
And then I remember how shallow I was before. How I knew a lot of facts but wasn't very wise. How I had lots of friends but no one I could tell my deepest secrets to. How I wasn't sure enough of who I was to open my heart and trust.
Life changes us. Sometimes we focus on what we don't have in this moment. Who we aren't. And we don't see who we are or who we are becoming.
My life has gone through lots of yuck. Sometimes I have cursed the path I've found myself on. But always -- always -- I have found myself somewhere better. Someone better.
It's comfortable to be who we are. The us we know. It's scary to become someone else. But each person we are is meant to be temporary. If we remain that person for too long, the glory wears off. The shiny us becomes dull.
I have been reminding myself of this often recently. Trust the forward path; it's never let you down before.
So I'm done sitting in one place longing for who I was. I'm stepping into who I will be.