Not Doing the Dishes

Some of you may remember that six months ago I got rid of most of our dishes, see The Dreaded Dishes.  This is the follow up.

I love it.  Not just a little.  A lot.  It is working fabulously! 

A couple of my kids still think it's weird and swear they aren't going to do it this way in their own homes.  What do I care?  My kitchen stays clean (almost always).

To answer a few questions/address a few issues --
     *  I haven't parted with the china yet.  Or some stonewear.  Or some crystal tea sets.  Or some dessert dishes of my grandma's.  But they are packed up high, in cupboards too difficult to reach to be convenient.  And since I got rid of a lot, there is plenty of space for them.  And I have used some of them.  I pulled out the crystal tea sets for the Oscars last year, along with wine glasses.  My family felt spoiled!  It was fun.  I also used the dessert dishes when we had some young women over around Christmas.  It isn't any fun to own these things if I don't use them.
     *  I absolutely think you can get 2 and 4-year olds started on this!  Kids love to play in warm, sudsy water.  Get a stool and put them to work.
     *  Our dishes were rather eclectic to begin with, so we all have a different plate.  Most of us have different bowls and cups.  Some of us even have different silverware.  And for anything questionable -- Sharpies!  I had planned to take everyone shopping to get their own complete, matching set once we were fully converted.  Guess I better follow through on that soon. 

When I wrote my first post on the dishes, I didn't have a plan for the dinner prep stuff.  I've got that worked out.  There are seven of us in our home.  There are seven days in a week.  Each person is in charge of dinner one day a week.  People are too hit and miss on Friday (everyone here and there), so Fridays are fend-for-yourself.  That means I don't have a night to cook dinner.  Instead, I do the dinner dishes.  If you cook something and it's just for you, then you wash the pan and whatever else you used.  If you cook for more than yourself, I wash them.  This encourages my kids to be more polite and giving to each other, but still allows them the freedom to choose.  Also, if someone knowingly uses someone else's dishes, the offender is assigned dinner dishes for a week. 

Although I am more likely to stay on top of the dinner dishes than anyone else, sometimes I don't feel well and don't do them the same night.  Sometimes it's a few days.  If someone wants the pot before I get it done, they know how to wash it.  If they ask, I'll usually wash it.  But things don't back up too often.  And if they do, I run the dishwasher.  I run it once a week, regardless; dishwashers need to be run or they stink.  If I don't get behind and use it for that, then I'll wash everyone's dishes and the dinner dishes in the dishwasher on Sunday.

It only takes a minute or two to wash all of my own dishes by hand and usually less than five minutes to do all the dinner dishes.  I can feel with my own hands that they are clean.  I don't usually fill the sink, unless I'm washing a bunch of things.  I wet the dish and use a few drops of soap directly on the dish.  Then I scrub it with a brush, rinse, and dry.  (I think we've gone through two bottles of dish soap and two of dishwasher detergent in the last six months.)  We have two brushes and a couple of scrapers to wash with.  I've never understood using cloths or sponges; they just end up stinking and getting nasty.  The brushes really don't.  Once in a while I run them through the dishwasher on the top rack.  I have a draining rack next to the sink that I leave there all the time, unless we have company.

I had to teach my kids that paper towels are for messes and the dishtowel hanging on the fridge is for clean things.  Not everyone complies, but most do.  There has been some confusion about which silverware is whose.  It seems to get worked out.  No one is starving.  And I sometimes have paper plates and cups, but not always.

As I mentioned above, since I got rid of so much stuff we have lots of extra space in our cupboards.  Each person has their own spot in the cupboard to store their stuff.  With a nametag and everything.  They even have a little basket for their silverware.

I did run into one problem.  McDonald's was giving out Coke glasses for a while.  My husband is a McDonald's fan and a Coke fan.  Suddenly I noticed one in his cupboard, one in the drying rack, and found one still wrapped in the car.  We had a conversation and I asked him which glass he was going to get rid of in trade for the Coke glass.  And what was he going to do with the other ones.  He looked at me sheepishly and admitted he hadn't noticed that he was collecting again.  (Our deal is that he can collect only one thing, since he has hoarding tendencies.  He has chosen DVDs.  He has to pay for them from his budget and store them in his room.)  He ended up convincing a couple of the kids that they wanted one.  They each had to give up a cup in exchange.  He took the leftover cup to work.

I have a suspicion that a few other things have sneaked into the cupboards.  We'll do another check before too long.  Until we do, as long as it fits in their space and my kitchen stays clean, I can live with it.

The Dreaded Dishes

I have a confession to make.  I hate doing the dishes.

No, that's not the confession.  The confession is that I hate doing the dishes so much that I bought more dishes so I could go longer without doing them.  My husband hates doing the dishes.  My kids hate doing the dishes.  That means we need more dishes so we don't have to fight about them as often.

Right?

Wrong!

As part of my efforts to live my minimalist desires, we have gotten rid of most of our dishes.  We used to have 2-3 plates per person, probably 3 bowls a piece, and I'd guess at least 5 glasses each.  We have seven people in our family.  You do the math.  That's a lot of dishes.

And when you hate doing them as much as we do, that means you don't do them until you absolutely have to -- when you run out of dishes.  So when you finally do them there are a lot of dishes to wash.

We now have only enough dishes for each of us to have one of each.  Each person has a spot in the cupboards.  This is where they keep their dishes.  They have a plate, a bowl, a mug, a small cup, a large cup, a table knife, a fork, a large spoon, and a small spoon.  There are a couple of extras.  One person got to keep her hot cocoa cup.  One person traded a large spoon for a fork.  But basically that's it.

And this is what that means.  Each person is responsible for his/her dishes.  Some of us wash them right after we eat, so that they are ready the next time we want to eat.  Others stick them in the sink, but end up washing them soon anyway because that's all they have to eat off of.  We wash them by hand because we are washing one or two at a time.  This means less running of the dishwasher (which wasn't as effective anymore anyway since the law required changes in dishwasher soap).  It means fewer dirty dishes stacked in my kitchen.  It means no one is relying on someone else to do their chores before they have clean dishes available.  It means fewer dishes left throughout the house.  It means no more tracking down strange smells because a dish that still has food on it is left somewhere in the house.  It means a lot more personal responsibility.

My kids are older (13 and up) so they can easily do their own dishes.  And they all know how to use the dishwasher so I don't feel like I am neglecting their instruction.

When I first presented the idea my family thought I was insane.  I planted the idea about a month before it was implemented (due to my energy level).  Then one day we went through the cupboards and pulled everything out.  People chose their stuff, it was placed in their spot, and everything else was boxed up and put away.  It's not gone yet.  Not because I'm not committed, just because I haven't made another run to the thrift donation area.  Soon.

Everyone's biggest concern was about guests.  What if we want to have someone over for dinner?

Okay, seriously, we rarely have anyone over for dinner.  When we do it's usually just one person.  I let my daughter keep an extra plate because if someone is going to be here when we eat it's probably her boyfriend.  If it's someone else, they can use his stuff.

We also kept a picnic set.  This is a plate, bowl, and cup for each of us along with silverware.  It's stored in a carrying case that is packed away.  These are emergency settings just in case and will be used when we go to a church function and are supposed to bring our own dishes.  They won't be used often.

I have not solved the problem with the dishes used for cooking.  Since we no longer have a lot of dishes our old assignments for dish washing don't quite fit.  I'm working on a plan for that.  We already don't own a lot of food preparation dishes.  That means that even if people don't wash as they go, things don't stay dirty long. 

We've only been living with this setup for about a week, but so far it seems to be a great success.  People are happy with it.  I haven't heard a single complaint.  (Before, yes.  Since, no.)  It's working.

And how can you argue with the system when it works?

It's Just Stuff, part two

Minimalism is about so much more than getting rid of clutter.  It's about a mindset, a life philosophy.  But it usually starts with clutter.

So I've been following a bunch of minimalist blogs lately.  I love their thoughts and hearing about their progress.  I love feeling like I've found people who understand how I feel.  And they inspire me.

One of the ideas I am trying to implement is to not have anything in my life that I don't use or love.  No more hanging on to things just in case.  No more keeping the old one as a backup after we've got a new one.  No more keeping things I don't like just because someone gave them to me.  No more storing things in the cupboard for a special occasion when that special occasion never seems to come.

Shortly after high school I was somehow convinced that I needed to get china, stoneware, and crystal.  It was expensive.  I begged my mom into helping me purchase four settings of each.  They are beautiful!

Now ask me how many times I've used them.  Um.  Hm.  I'd bet it's fewer than five times.  And I've been married twenty-one years.  For twenty-one years they've been sitting in my cupboard.  I've packed and unpacked them every time we've moved.  I've dusted them.  I've displayed them.  And I do love them.  But we just don't use them.

So as I was planning to gut my kitchen cupboards (just planning, the true gutting hasn't occurred yet), I saw those dishes.  And my heart seized up.  I never use them.  I should get rid of them.  But they cost so much money.  We never use them.  But I love them.  Okay, then use them.

My kids are older.  Theoretically we should be able to use fragile dishes and not break anything.

This was just before the Oscars.  We like to do a family evening for the Oscars.  Special treats.  Everyone completing a ballot before hand.  Prizes for the winners.  So I decided to make the night extra special by bringing out some of these precious dishes.

Actually, I used some glass tea trays (which we also never use) and the crystal.  They were placed on the table with the snacks.  My kids' faces lit up when they realized they were going to get to use them.  It was fun pouring Sprite and Diet Coke into wine glasses.  Even more fun drinking out of them.  I was glad I'd done it.

The night was going well.  I was winning (I always do).  Everyone was having a good time.

Then I heard a crash.  A very distinctive crash.  I knew instantly that it was one of my precious wine glasses.  The light blue ones that we displayed at our wedding.  The ones we drank fake champagne out of to celebrate our first anniversary.  The ones I loved.

My heart seized again.  But only for a moment.  I saw my kids' faces tighten as well.  They were waiting to see if it was going to ruin our night.  And I wasn't going to let it.

As it turns out, the cat had gotten up on the table and knocked off one of the glasses.  It was my fault for placing them there.  And as I cleaned up the crystal my focus was different than it would have been in the past.  There was the momentary "if only," but that passed quickly.  I wanted to get it cleaned up so I could get back to my family.  It was only a thing.  I wanted to be with my family having a good time instead of worrying about a piece of glass that I only see when we move.

I got it cleaned up and got back to the party.  It was never mentioned again.  The evening ended on a good note.

I call it a rousing success; three cheers for me:  Huzzah!  Huzzah!  Huzzah!

But then I was tested again when my daughter hit a pole with the new car.  That is a story for another time.

It's Just Stuff, part one

I grew up with the mentality that if I had something that I didn’t need or wasn’t using, and someone else did need it, I should give it to them (or at least lend it). It was just a thing. Getting rid of things was easy.

I also grew up in a home where we had enough. I never worried about having food or a home. I never worried about my parents being able to afford to pay for the things I needed. My parents may have struggled and sacrificed when they first married, but by the time I was aware of money they had more than enough for me to be able to do the things I wanted. If something broke, we had enough money to fix it or replace it. If someone were injured, we had good health insurance and enough money to see that they were treated. If an unexpected expense came up my dad might grumble, but there was enough money to cover it. If there was a school activity or sport I wanted to participate in, I only had to ask. I do not remember ever being told that we couldn’t afford something. I do not remember ever going hungry because we didn’t have money for food. I don’t remember hearing much about money except when my dad complained about how much my mom spent shopping. On worthless stuff.

So I came into my marriage believing that stuff was of little value. That it wasn’t worth worrying about.

When we got married, we were poor. We had debt. We couldn’t live like we had when we'd lived with our parents. If something broke, we may or may not be able to replace it. We couldn’t afford to do all the things we wanted to do and still pay our bills. This was an adjustment period for me, to be sure, but luckily I was not an overly materialistic person. I didn’t need lots of stuff. I wasn’t a big shopper. We didn’t have a lot, but we were okay. For a while.

Then we went through periods of unemployment. Over the course of twenty years of marriage my husband was laid off ten times; he was our only source of income (I was a stay-at-home mom). That makes it difficult to build any kind of base to work from. The longest time he was out of work was seven months. We had been keeping our heads above water before this. Then the bottom fell out. He got a severance package and we tried to manage that well. We hoped for this time of unemployment to be of short duration like in the past. It wasn’t.

Before long we were in a difficult place. If we didn’t change things soon it was going to get ugly.

We sold an old, small motor home we owned. We sold our boat. We cancelled the satellite service. We quit eating out. We got rid of any extra expenses that we could. This helped, but it wasn’t enough for long. We eventually ended up turning to others for help. Our parents. The governenment. Church welfare. We had to have others help with our debt and pay for our food. We used food stamps, Medicaid, and other services. We did without. (As difficult as it was to ask for and accept help, I am so grateful it was there.)

I believe that when you have to do without it sometimes changes your perception of stuff. You no longer take stuff for granted because you don’t know if it will last. You hate to let anything go out of fear that you might need it again in the future and don’t know if you will be able to replace it.

These difficult times altered the way I saw stuff. When someone offered hand-me-downs I never considered refusing. I knew we couldn’t afford to buy new clothes, so we’d better accept what was offered. People frequently gave us stuff because they knew we were struggling financially. I found myself accumulating more and more even though I wasn’t shopping. Accumulating didn’t seem so bad when I wasn’t buying it.

But then we found ourselves in a position where we had enough. In fact, we had more than enough. Maybe not financially, but materially. We were overflowing with stuff.

And my old feelings reasserted themselves. I saw all the stuff and how it was taking over my life. I felt suffocated by it. I didn’t need it. I didn’t want it. I didn’t even like most of it. Why was I letting it into my life?

I’ve been systematically trying to change those behaviors. I’ve been trying to get back to my minimalist mentality toward stuff. I’ve been trying to get rid of all the stuff that’s come into our lives over the years. It takes time.

And I have noticed that when I try to make a major change in my life, when I’m sure of my choice, something always happens to challenge that decision. To see if I will stick to my guns. It happened this time, too.