I don't know where my baseline is.
I want to be as close to stable as possible. But what's the real me?
Is the real me on the lower, more calm part of the spectrum? If so, is every up day an anomaly that isn't really me and something I shouldn't be chasing?
Are the up days me, and should I fight the down days to swim my way back up?
How up can I get and still be normal before I'm into hypomania? Or is that very up state that I see as hypomania where I am meant to be and I need to strive to be there?
If I find a medication that takes me to that higher state, should I find a way to incorporate it into my daily life? If not, because the fact that it requires medication is a sign of a false high, what does that say about the mood stabilizer I take each day to keep me out of the pits?
And if they are all the real me, as I sense they are, how do I ever find balance?
How do I know what to strive for? When to reach for the more up place? When to settle in to what is in the moment?
How do I find peace in who I am when who I am is always in such a state of flux?
Showing posts with label Mood Stabilizer. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Mood Stabilizer. Show all posts
Thursday, November 17, 2016
Thursday, April 14, 2016
It Rained
What the crap is wrong with me?! Seriously. I just don't even know. I'm so lost. I feel like I'm not connected to anything. Just floating out in the ether somewhere.
As far as writing, I'm stumped. I feel like I've lost a part of myself with my inability to write. I just haven't been able to write. I don't know how to explain it. It's not writer's block. It's not a lack of ideas or time or anything like that. It's just a plug. Like someone's put a stopper in, and my writing just won't flow.
I've barely written over the last year and a half. (Maybe before that; I don't know.) I don't know if anyone's even reading my blog anymore, except for people who happen here based on a search for a certain topic.
I don't know why I haven't been able to write. There are many possible explanations.
I've been more emotionally healthy (on the whole) for the last while. For a long time I wrote therapeutically. I wrote to work through all the horrific emotional battles I was waging. I don't have as many of those lately, so it hasn't served that purpose.
I've been exercising a lot more, becoming much more physically healthy over the last year. I wonder if that outlet has supplanted this one. Also, since my hysterectomy put me into instant menopause, I just don't have the multitasking abilities I used to have. I have trouble focusing on more than one thing at a time. So since I've been focusing on losing weight and feeling better, I struggle to focus on anything else. Like, it's tough for me to make a menu and shopping list to keep my family fed. It's tough for me to stay on top of the household money and making sure bills get paid. Forget about cleaning the house!
Besides focus, there's also the energy component. I just don't have the energy for much else. Now, it's possible that's changing. When I first started working out, just under a year ago, I was coming from a place of near inactivity. Like, almost nothing. And from a place of extremely low energy (which is related to not being active, but I'm not sure about which was the cause and which was the effect; I have lots of thoughts on that). If I worked out, I was just too tired to do anything else. Or in too much pain. Sometimes that's not the case now. I hope I'll be able to move past that soon.
But I'm afraid I'm also stuck in a pattern. For almost a year my main focus of each day has been to work out. I find I'm having to really put thought into making other things happen. Oh, there's so much more to this than you know! I feel like I'm just giving the tiniest bit of snippets to explain (because otherwise this post would be seventeen pages long). But I need to get some of this out. So even if what I've said sounds like I'm being lazy and not using my time or my life well, please know that I don't think that's the case. Perhaps I'll be able to explain it further in the future.
For now I'll just hit on one other potential cause of my writing drought. I wonder if it's been connected to my mood stabilizer. I'm a mood writer. I have to feel driven. I have to NEED to write. I have to need to get it out. Almost like throwing up, it has to be forcing its way out of me to feel right.
When I met with my psychiatrist Tuesday I asked to reduce my meds by half. That's what we chose to do. This is the second day of that dosage. Today I'm writing. I can't swear those two events are connected. Let's wait and see.
When we met, she also strongly pushed me to get back to things I love. Writing is one of those things. So I may feel driven because the meds are finally allowing it or because it's an assignment. I don't know which.
But I truly don't care right now. It just feels SO GOOD to write. Like feeling the barometric pressure rise before the storm hits, or does it drop before the storm hits? Either way, the air becomes uncomfortable, and my body aches for the rain. Today it rained!
As far as writing, I'm stumped. I feel like I've lost a part of myself with my inability to write. I just haven't been able to write. I don't know how to explain it. It's not writer's block. It's not a lack of ideas or time or anything like that. It's just a plug. Like someone's put a stopper in, and my writing just won't flow.
I've barely written over the last year and a half. (Maybe before that; I don't know.) I don't know if anyone's even reading my blog anymore, except for people who happen here based on a search for a certain topic.
I don't know why I haven't been able to write. There are many possible explanations.
I've been more emotionally healthy (on the whole) for the last while. For a long time I wrote therapeutically. I wrote to work through all the horrific emotional battles I was waging. I don't have as many of those lately, so it hasn't served that purpose.
I've been exercising a lot more, becoming much more physically healthy over the last year. I wonder if that outlet has supplanted this one. Also, since my hysterectomy put me into instant menopause, I just don't have the multitasking abilities I used to have. I have trouble focusing on more than one thing at a time. So since I've been focusing on losing weight and feeling better, I struggle to focus on anything else. Like, it's tough for me to make a menu and shopping list to keep my family fed. It's tough for me to stay on top of the household money and making sure bills get paid. Forget about cleaning the house!
Besides focus, there's also the energy component. I just don't have the energy for much else. Now, it's possible that's changing. When I first started working out, just under a year ago, I was coming from a place of near inactivity. Like, almost nothing. And from a place of extremely low energy (which is related to not being active, but I'm not sure about which was the cause and which was the effect; I have lots of thoughts on that). If I worked out, I was just too tired to do anything else. Or in too much pain. Sometimes that's not the case now. I hope I'll be able to move past that soon.
But I'm afraid I'm also stuck in a pattern. For almost a year my main focus of each day has been to work out. I find I'm having to really put thought into making other things happen. Oh, there's so much more to this than you know! I feel like I'm just giving the tiniest bit of snippets to explain (because otherwise this post would be seventeen pages long). But I need to get some of this out. So even if what I've said sounds like I'm being lazy and not using my time or my life well, please know that I don't think that's the case. Perhaps I'll be able to explain it further in the future.
For now I'll just hit on one other potential cause of my writing drought. I wonder if it's been connected to my mood stabilizer. I'm a mood writer. I have to feel driven. I have to NEED to write. I have to need to get it out. Almost like throwing up, it has to be forcing its way out of me to feel right.
When I met with my psychiatrist Tuesday I asked to reduce my meds by half. That's what we chose to do. This is the second day of that dosage. Today I'm writing. I can't swear those two events are connected. Let's wait and see.
When we met, she also strongly pushed me to get back to things I love. Writing is one of those things. So I may feel driven because the meds are finally allowing it or because it's an assignment. I don't know which.
But I truly don't care right now. It just feels SO GOOD to write. Like feeling the barometric pressure rise before the storm hits, or does it drop before the storm hits? Either way, the air becomes uncomfortable, and my body aches for the rain. Today it rained!
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