Thank you for all the kind expressions of concern and support. It was very sweet and touched my heart.
I got triggered over the holiday. Multiple times. By different people.
I have kind of lost my sense of self recently, my self-definition. I regressed to letting others define me. To feeling like I am worth less because others didn't approve. Because I didn't measure up.
It was a gradual thing, so I didn't really notice it until it had gotten pretty bad. I was isolating myself. I was unable to write. I was no longer talking to people in any meaningful way. I was not leaving my house unless absolutely required. For over a month.
I felt like I was disappearing.
And then the holidays hit. There were some really good things which I'd hoped to write about. But then there were a couple of situations that sent me back in time. I was not self-assured. I had no power. My boundaries were difficult to maintain. I didn't feel like a whole person. And my anxiety began to climb.
I didn't understand what was happening. I couldn't pin it down to just one incident. Or even to just one person.
But I was suddenly full of fear. Paralyzed with fear. Always on the verge of tears. Several sobbing fits with so much emotional pain. And I didn't understand where it was coming from. For a couple of weeks.
On the bright side, I made it through the worst of it without injuring myself. That's progress. And I found a way to stand up for myself once I figured out one of the problems.
It's not gone. I'm not through it. Sudden waves of fear and/or anxiety still happen. But I am making progress. Understanding that it is PTSD because I was triggered helps. Even though I don't know the specific cause, I do have coping strategies -- healthy ones -- to deal with it.
So right now I am trying to pull it together. To figure it out. But at least I am finally able to write. That alone makes me feel like I might be real.