Friday, September 20, 2013

Trying to Find the Words

** If you are an abuse survivor, this post could contain possible triggers.  Please make sure you are safe before reading it.  Also, this is a very heavy and adult post.  Listen to your heart and do not continue if you know this won't be okay for you. **

Words are important to me.  I sometimes take a little longer to speak because I am trying to find just the right word.  Not one that's close, but one that conveys a multitude of meanings all at once, one that conveys truth and feeling and exactitude.  Just the right word.

But sometimes I don't have the word.  If I could communicate telepathically, I could make you understand.  But there just isn't a word for it and nothing else really does the job.

This is what happened when I tried to explain to someone what triggered a PTSD event for me this week.  I didn't have the words.

A little history, somewhat vague, to help set the stage.

There are dark things in my past.  There was abuse and assault.  Over many years I was hunted.  And too often I was caught.  I wasn't killed physically, but pieces of me were destroyed.  I was changed.

I was changed in a way I believe many others who were abused are also changed.  But I can't speak for them.  I speak only for what is true in my life.

I was prey.  In many situations.  And, yes, there were times I feared for my life.  Other times I just feared for the inner me, the part that was being attacked.  What happened to my body didn't matter.  What happened to my core did.

Because I was prey, I was on constant alert (an alert that is never silent, even now).  I learned to read the emotions of everyone in the room.  To sense even the tiniest shift if something changed.  Long before anyone else knew.  Because I had to in order to protect myself.  It was necessary to stay alive.

But it goes beyond just reading emotions.  And this is where I lose words.

Some people have a . . . something to them.  A color/flavor/spirit.  Each of those is somewhat close, but none of them are accurate.  I would say aura, but it isn't visible.  A presence?  A feeling?  An emotional radiation?  None of these are right either.

As a child I often swam in a lake.  I would be swimming along, in the warmth, and hit a cold spot.  Out of the blue all the warmth was gone.  It's kind of like that.

And this last week a person crossed my path whose . . . whatever it is . . . triggered my PTSD.  This person's color/flavor/whatever is darkness.  This person carries evil with him.  Willingly.  The cold spot that he wears is that of a predator.  Even with all the abusive situations I've been in over the years and all the people I've known and all the horror I've experienced and witnessed, I've never felt like I was in the presence of evil.  Until him.  And he knows it and uses it to control.

He is not a close part of my life, but there is potential that our paths will continue to cross.  I am trying to strengthen myself and gather support so he can't wound me again.

I hate that it only took the mention of him to make me feel weak and powerless.  And scared.

He triggered one of my most difficult memories.  One that I haven't fully processed and healed in therapy.  One of a very early sexual assault.  One that causes me severe physical symptoms.  So since he crossed my path, I have been having very painful uterine cramps.  Nonstop.  Whether I am thinking about it or not.  Sometimes so bad that I have trouble standing up.  My anxiety is high.  I am snapping more at my family.  My nerves feel like they are on fire and I cringe if anyone tries to touch me.  Even when I am completely safe, there is fear.  Like the rabbit whose ears prick up when he senses danger.  I will not relax until the danger is gone.

I was not ready to go back to therapy.  My therapist and I have some things to work out.  I wanted to do more processing on my own on that stuff before I went back.  But I may have to put all that aside and go back to therapy anyway.  I may not have a choice.  I'm having trouble functioning.  I'm having trouble getting every day things done.  I need help.


Chris Carter said...

Do you have any control in keeping this 'demon' out of your life? Does he "have" to be a part of your radar?

I'm unclear if this is one of your past predators- or if it just triggers your past because of his 'dark aura' (can't find the word either!)\
If you can possibly find the strength, make sure you protect anyone in his destructive path. Do everything you can to bind him- either through the law or taking serious precautions and set firm limits to protect YOURSELF.
This time you CAN do something about it. Empower yourself and save others...
I am praying that God's Holy Power crushes this demon.

Sheila Skillingstead said...

Thank you for the warning at the top of your post.

I do know what you mean and the search for the word to describe it is difficult.

I have been there.

I have been with you in spirit since I first read one of your posts.

Giving advice to adults is dangerous.

When I'm in a bad place I watch survivor movies like Die Hard. My girls know when I'm okay because they haven't heard me muttering Die Hard phrases like Come out to the coast; we'll have some fun.

Peace or calm or whatever will help be with you as you take your steps called life.

Dana Hemelt said...

I'm so sorry you're in this place right now - I hope you do get the help you need and that you stay far away from this person who has such a debilitating effect on you. Keeping you in my thoughts, Robin.

Bonnie said...

Do what ya gotta do. I am, and I'm glad the Lord forewarned me by giving me my own "pack it up" inspiration, before I even knew he was getting closer. Predator is a perfect way to describe him. Everyone around him is potential prey and all he cares about is wreaking havoc. Just as you can point at someone angrily and your energy shoots out at that person, you can think thoughts of depredation and shoot those thoughts at others. Being around him is an assault, precisely because of that. I will continue to pray for you and I hope you are able to wrap your mind around an effective shield, whether it's therapy or something else.

Alison said...

Miss Robin, I will be praying for your protection and healing. God is on your side.

The Dose of Reality said...

I am so sorry you are having to face this and feel so triggered by this person. Please get the help you need.-Ashley

Tamara Camera said...

With some people, I find I can't sense any darkness and I think you're intuitive to be able to see it. I hope you get good help and I hope you don't cross paths with him. Please stay safe!

The Dose of Reality said...

Oh, Robin. I'm so sorry that you came in contact with this person and that future contact is also a possibility. That sounds just excruciating and makes me feel full of anxiety just thinking about it.
I hope you do get back to therapy when you need it, when you can. I'll be thinking of you and praying for your safety and peace. --Lisa