Friday, September 27, 2013

Still Not Good, But a Different Kind of Bad

Funny thing about PTSD.  It tends to make everything else in my life seem unimportant.  That's a good thing when the problems I was having with my therapist no longer matter and I'm ready to get back to work.  It's not such a good thing when I forget about the house payment.

The PTSD is not quite as bad.  I am still cramping a lot.  I am still touch-averse.  The nerves in my system are still on hyper-alert.  But I am able to think a little more clearly.  And, as of now, it doesn't look like he will become a bigger part of my life after all.  There is less fear.

But when the PTSD lets up, all those other things start to be problems again.

The depression is still in full force.  I'm having to force myself to eat and sleep.  It takes a monumental effort to leave the house.  But I was able to perform a couple acts of service this last week.  I've been able to play my flute a bit.  And I even went to book club.  Small victories.

My body seems to be in rebellion as well.  Whatever virus it is that causes my fatigue has flared.  I could easily sleep twenty hours a day (it's a different tired than the depression tired).  Accomplishing any one thing, even just writing a blog post, saps me of all energy and sends me back to bed.  I do a load of dishes; I have to lie down.  I straighten the living room; I have to lie down.  I practice my flute; I have to lie down.  Not being able to do anything doesn't particularly help with the depression.

My headache has been awful, too.  Severe pain.  Blurry vision.  Dizziness.  Nausea.  And an inability to process thoughts or find the words (simple words) to communicate.

I haven't gone back to therapy yet.  I'm still figuring out our insurance options.  But I will soon.

I'm worried about everything:  money, each individual aspect of each of my children's futures, all the ways I've failed to prepare them, everything that needs to be done today, everything that needs to be done tomorrow, everything that should have been done yesterday, everything that should have been done last week, everything that should have been done years ago, my daughter's health, my husband's health, my health, the safety of each family member every second that they aren't with me, my friends' difficulties, my parents' difficulties, all the ways I'm failing my parents, all the ways I'm failing my friends, what I should be doing right now, how much to stay on top of my kids' school work and how much to let life teach them, and any other little thing that crosses my path.

I'm still avoiding people.  I don't want to do anything.  It's even tough for me to make myself go to my son's football games (which are my favorite things in the whole world).  Octoboween doesn't even have the same appeal as usual.

I'm trying to do things anyway.  I do enjoy the football games once I get there.  I am doing an Octoboween count down on facebook to try to psych myself up for it because I believe it can bring me joy -- eventually.  I'm trying to fake it 'til I make it.  I'm trying to convince my body and mind to get back to work.

But I just want to crawl into bed and cry and let the world go on without me.  Is that really too much to ask?


Birdie said...

Oh, Robin. Depression is such a wicked beast. I know and understand. I hope it helps even a tiny bit to know you are not alone.

As for the aches and pains, my naturopath has started me on Magnesium oxide. Do an internet search and see if it might help you. xo

Lesley Forbes said...

Your post really spoke to me. I wish you strength and hope. Don't stop fighting - this is one battle you need to win.

Tracie Nall said...

Robin, I'm so sorry you are still struggling so much this week. I'm praying for you.

It is tough when so many things are hitting at the same time. When everything around you is overwhelming, those small victories are HUGE. I know you are doing the best you can, and everything else will work itself out.

Christy Hoover said...

I pray for your strength, Robin. I agree with Lesley. Don't stop fighting! You can beat this..

Chris Carter said...

Oh friend, how this makes my heart so heavy reading it. I would simply LOVE for you to be healed of all that ails you... so much. Too much.
I will pray God liberates you from this bondage of sickness both physically and mentally/emotionally.

Bonnie said...

That was my last winter, with variations. I can appreciate different kinds of tired and different kinds of drowning and the quest of having faith instead of worry. I sure love you. I know it is temporary, at least some of it. I'll be around. And I'll keep right on praying.

Sheila Skillingstead said...

Look for that moment of joy you offer to others.

My crying happens in the shower or while watching movies that I know will make me cry.

Depression doesn't always drive me to bed, sometimes its just zoning out in front of the TV.

One moment at a time and I know you can go on.

Hard to know what to say so I'm going to stop.

Enjoy reading some blogs today.

The Dose of Reality said...

Oh Robin, I am so sorry that this period of time has been so stressful for you. It makes perfect sense that you would like to just shut the world out right now, but try not to do that. Let the people around you who care about you help you. And take it one day at a time. Hugs.-Lisa

jody cowan said...

So sorry to hear you're going thru all that. I know exactly how you feel I feel the same way just about every day. Everything weighs heavy on my mind and heart. And I don't know what to do about one single thing. I hate it! My anxiety is overwhelming. I cry at the drop of a hat.
Sorry, I shouldn't be going on like this. I'll say a prayer for you! Good luck with things! Stay strong.
I found you on Sharefest! And I'm glad!