My husband lost his job two and a half months ago. It's been a tough time. Financially and emotionally. I've been dealing with my emotions, my kids' emotions (they are 15-22, so very aware this time around), and my husband's emotions. Along with all the emotions and expectations and concerns of friends and family. And I've spent every day wondering how I was going to pay this bill or feed my family and praying no one got hurt or seriously sick because we have no insurance.
Yesterday, all my husband's hard work (and lots of prayers from friends and family) paid off. After two and a half months of interviews and tests, someone finally offered him a job. It's significantly less money but has some good trade offs. And better yet, my husband feels valuable again. Someone wants him.
I'm very grateful for that. It eases my heart some to know that he feels better about himself. That he feels useful. And it eases my stress a bit to know that money will soon be coming into our house on a regular basis.
But my world is still dark.
My world has been dark for about the last week or two. I had hoped the good news would make it better, would part the clouds and let the light back in. But it didn't.
Because sometimes the darkness is situational -- because things around me are not going right. And sometimes it's biochemical -- because things within my body aren't going right.
I believe this darkness is biochemical, with situational aggravators. There are lots of things in my life that have been hard lately. I have no doubt they've taken their toll. But they could all go away tomorrow and my world would still be dark.
It takes time.
I will do what I can. I will try to take care of myself. I will eat and sleep and try to move. I will draw nearer to God and serve others. And over time, it will get better.
Right now I feel like a shadow walking through my own life. Others see me and think I am whole, but I am hollow inside.
I am not okay. But I will be. Eventually.