Wednesday, September 11, 2013

He Got a Job -- Why Am I Not Happy?

My husband lost his job two and a half months ago.  It's been a tough time.  Financially and emotionally.  I've been dealing with my emotions, my kids' emotions (they are 15-22, so very aware this time around), and my husband's emotions.  Along with all the emotions and expectations and concerns of friends and family.  And I've spent every day wondering how I was going to pay this bill or feed my family and praying no one got hurt or seriously sick because we have no insurance.

Yesterday, all my husband's hard work (and lots of prayers from friends and family) paid off.  After two and a half months of interviews and tests, someone finally offered him a job.  It's significantly less money but has some good trade offs.  And better yet, my husband feels valuable again.  Someone wants him.

I'm very grateful for that.  It eases my heart some to know that he feels better about himself.  That he feels useful.  And it eases my stress a bit to know that money will soon be coming into our house on a regular basis.

But my world is still dark.

My world has been dark for about the last week or two.  I had hoped the good news would make it better, would part the clouds and let the light back in.  But it didn't.

Because sometimes the darkness is situational -- because things around me are not going right.  And sometimes it's biochemical -- because things within my body aren't going right.

I believe this darkness is biochemical, with situational aggravators.  There are lots of things in my life that have been hard lately.  I have no doubt they've taken their toll.  But they could all go away tomorrow and my world would still be dark.

It takes time.

I will do what I can.  I will try to take care of myself.  I will eat and sleep and try to move.  I will draw nearer to God and serve others.  And over time, it will get better.

Right now I feel like a shadow walking through my own life.  Others see me and think I am whole, but I am hollow inside.

I am not okay.  But I will be.  Eventually.

22 comments:

Birdie said...

I also struggle with depression and it can be very hard to differentiate between a chemical imbalance and just plain old stress. The whole chicken or the egg, right?
You definitely have a strong sense of what is going on and why. Keep blogging. It does help.

Suz said...

Chose to be in the light. You are amazing!
luvs Suz

The Dose of Reality said...

Hang in there Robin. Hopefully getting some stability will help you find your way to feeling better.-Ashley

Crystal said...

This sounds like my life right now - except I recently became unexpectedly unemployed. Writing about it next week as depression has reached out and grabbed me by the throat - once again. HUGS to you from someone who understands.

Bonnie said...

My prayers for you continue. We all have such different crosses to bear. It's good that you recognize and don't judge your life harshly, telling yourself how you should feel.

Danielle Allison said...

Life is overwhelming when multiple things go wrong all at once. The cure for one is not the cure for all, however, and it is disappointing when we realize that our difficult time is not through just because the burden has been lightened a little. I've found myself in this circumstance a lot. I think I'm learning to categorize my life better so that my expectations are more realistic and I can handle this disappointment or avoid it better in the future. I thought it was pessimism to begin with, but found it was actually more like self awareness. I actually am doing much better and find myself much happier and able to deal with the next difficulty after one has subsided. I'm learning to draw strength from each one I get through so I can persevere through the next 20. The "Sunday school" answers actually work to lighten the load, and service towards others is always the key to any despair or disappointment. I admire your willingness to share things that others hide all too often, but that so many are going through or have tried to face themselves alone. You are an inspiration to many.

Nicole Nenninger said...

Hope you are doing better! Try not to get stuck in those negative thought loops--it only makes it worse. Focus on things that are positive, reach out to others who are positive and supportive, and do something positive with your time.

Doreen@househoneys said...

You will get through this. You have so much to give, and so many who need you. Reaching out to help others will be good for you.

Mocadeaux said...

One step at a time, right? That's all we can do. Take care of yourself.

Teressa Morris said...

Just because the situation turned around doesn't mean your brain and emotions can turn around that fast. Be gentle with yourself and just keep getting out of bed every morning. One day the world will seem a little brighter for no reason and you will know you are turning a corner.

Kate said...

These things take time! I think the fact you are saying positive things are happening is the first step and you need to remember - positive things happen to positive thinkers!

Maybe you could try to write a post on some things you are happy about? It may help balance out the negative thoughts.
Keep your chin up lady!

exaltedpeacock said...

That kind of darkness is hard to pull away from. I hope you can find the light at the end of the tunnel soon.

Visiting from SITS.
Heather @ Exalted Peacock

Savvy WorkingGal said...

The good news is the load you've been carrying is just a little bit lighter. Perhaps you will be able to worry just a little bit less about your family and will be able to find time to concentrates on yourself. I don't know what else to say except I am thinking about you and sincerely hope your internal struggles turn around soon.

ahundredaffections said...

Sending prayers your way. It is hard to bounce back from those overwhelming dark feelings and thoughts. God can reach into any pit and pull you out!

Hugs.

Visiting from SITS.

jamie @ [kreyv] said...

Robin, hang in there. Hopefully, you will be able to look back at this time and realize how much you learned from this trial. Prayers and hugs!

Heather Cremeens said...

I hope you come out of the darkness soon. I know how it feels to appear whole and happy on the outside and feel broken and empty on the inside. Hang in there, and as you mentioned, use this time to draw closer to God. I believe growth happens in the valleys... Found you through SITS.

Robbie K said...

We've been thru multiple layoffs and moves so I totally understand how difficult and stressful it can be. I hope things start to look brighter for you soon.

Sheila Skillingstead said...

No one can ever truly understand another's pain but I've been in the darkness more than out. Most people meeting me wouldn't believe it. I laugh, I smile, but all you have to do is look to see the clouds in my eyes. I'm glad you recognize that it takes time and you will get there, out of the light. I hate the circle of dark that you can spiral down into. I know I contribute to my own with what I read, watch on TV, and think. But not today. Congrats on the new job for your husband.

Unknown said...

Yikes! Take care and keep on keepin' on. It just takes time. And at least the new job means there's one less thing to add to your troubles.

Shauna @ Momma Candy said...

We went through something similar at the beginning of the year. Husband got laid off, our back up plans were falling through, it was a very stressful time. But here we are on the other side of it and everything turns out for the best.

It's so hard to watch the man you love struggle with unemployment. It's heartbreaking. And I could see you taking that depression on and having a hard time believing that better days are coming.

Believe it!

Rabia Lieber said...

I hope it's the prospect of change that is stressing you out. By that I mean, that once you get settled in a new routine, I hope that you will feel better again.

Amarie B said...

What's most important is that you see that light at the end of the tunnel - you know it's there. Now, it's just a matter of surviving the journey to get there.