Monday, May 24, 2010

The Mirrors of My Mind

I look in the mirror and see what I am.
I start to cry.
For in the mirrors of my mind I see what I could have become.

Is that the ultimate in teen angst or what?  I wrote it when I was about fourteen, in my poetic phase.

Isn't it funny how at the age of fourteen I thought I was all I would ever be?  That who I was then was who I would be for life? 

I was such a perfectionist back then, absolutely unwilling to forgive myself for the smallest flaws.  I'm sure that depressive episode, aside from being hormonal, was about not doing well on a test or disappointing my parents.  It didn't take much to make me get down on myself back then.

Unfortunately, that fourteen-year old girl is still inside me.  I still tend to be a perfectionist about many things.  And it's still way too easy for me to get down on myself.

I'm doing better, but I still have room for improvement.

And now I know that.  I know that I will continue to grow and progress.  Trite though it is, I am a human becoming not a human being (I know - *big groan* - sorry to be so cheesy). 

I can always be more.  And my idea of what more is changes as I grow older.  I think smarter will always be part of it; I want to be smart.  But now wiser is more important than smarter.  Having lots of people like me is great, but having lots of people that I love is better.  Producing a lot that is visible to others is wonderful.  But the internal growth that no one else sees is of more value to me now.

Learning that I judge myself far more than others judge me was important.  Learning that I am the only one whose judgments matter was vital.

The mirrors of my mind are more forgiving now.  I see more clearly now.  And I am content with what I see.


Bonnie said...

I threw an entire journal away in my early twenties ... dramatically, with ripping and tearing and fire ... trying to erase the poetry/ depression/ perfectionism phase. TOO BAD. Still in there. SOOOO relate. As always.

DarthBillgr said...

Wow. I don't remember when I was 14 much and my mirrors are scary. I try to not look in them.

Kazzy said...

I am glad you are content with what you see. I think that is such a gift. I feel that way too. I look in that mind-mirror and say to myself, "You are good enough. No worries."

Btw, somehow your blog feed completely disappeared off of my google reader, which I routinely flip through twice a day. Sorry I was late to your post. You are back on now. ;)