I don't know where my baseline is.
I want to be as close to stable as possible. But what's the real me?
Is the real me on the lower, more calm part of the spectrum? If so, is every up day an anomaly that isn't really me and something I shouldn't be chasing?
Are the up days me, and should I fight the down days to swim my way back up?
How up can I get and still be normal before I'm into hypomania? Or is that very up state that I see as hypomania where I am meant to be and I need to strive to be there?
If I find a medication that takes me to that higher state, should I find a way to incorporate it into my daily life? If not, because the fact that it requires medication is a sign of a false high, what does that say about the mood stabilizer I take each day to keep me out of the pits?
And if they are all the real me, as I sense they are, how do I ever find balance?
How do I know what to strive for? When to reach for the more up place? When to settle in to what is in the moment?
How do I find peace in who I am when who I am is always in such a state of flux?