Here's the thing. I do. I really do. I trust that He knows what He's doing and everything is going to work out okay. Eventually.
It's the eventually thing that sucks.
Why can't it be now? Why do I have to watch week after week as my husband goes through interview after interview and disappointment after disappointment?
When my husband was laid off I wasn't worried. Really. Not worried at all. In our twenty-three years of marriage he's been laid off eleven times. He's good at finding a job. He's highly employable. He's a hard worker and a loyal employee.
But it's been nearly two months now and my relaxed attitude is pretty much gone.
I love him and it's so hard on him to be rejected over and over. He wonders what he's doing wrong. He struggles with depression and feelings of low self-worth. He tries to stay positive and keep his hopes up, but then those same hopes crash every time he's passed over for a position.
It breaks my heart.
I try to help him fight the depression. I believe in him and tell him so. I value him whether he's employed or not. But that only helps so much. He still questions his worth when he can't support his family.
And I've been really struggling with depression, too.
I feel so powerless. I wish I could get a job and help out, but my health just won't allow it. I really can't do anything to help him interview better or find better job opportunities. All I can do is support him and try to manage our home.
And the stress of trying to keep our home afloat makes me feel like throwing up a great deal of the time.
We are receiving unemployment, which is less than half of what we were earning before. We have cut every expense we can. We have thousands of dollars in medical bills, some of which have gone to collections. We have had to ask our daughter to help with some costs. We've had to ask my dad for money. And we've had to go to our church for food and help with the bills.
I am grateful that these things are available, but don't let anyone kid you. It sucks to have to ask for help. A lot. Being an adult and not being able to pay your own way is a pretty major kick in the emotional teeth.
If I could just see down the road a bit, see when it's going to get better. Then maybe I could focus on other things instead of obsessing about how I'm going to keep the lights on and the medical debtors at bay.
God's smart. He knows what He's doing. But I want what I want and I want it now! I want my husband to get a job. Now! I want him to feel valued and productive again. Now! I want him to be proud of himself again. Now! And I want us to be able to pay our own way again. Now!
And yet, when I pray tonight, when I converse with God and express my gratitude and ask for what I want, I will still include, "If it be thy will."
Because I do trust Him. Even if I feel like throwing up while waiting.