Monday, August 5, 2013

I Just Can't Do This Anymore

I've been trying to help my mom (read more here).  But I can't anymore.

She wanted anti-anxiety meds.
Her psychiatrist didn't want her to have them and wouldn't prescribe them (I agree with his reasons).
She went to another doctor and asked him.
He saw the psychiatrist's note in her file and said he couldn't give them to her.
She went to a nurse practitioner.
The nurse practitioner gave them to her.

After my mom got them, she offered me one.

And she thinks the system is out to get her and no one wants to help her.

And I just can't do this anymore.  So today I sent her the following text, because via text is the only way she hears what I say:

I am sorry, mom.  I love you.  But I can't help with this stuff anymore.  I think the way you are doctor shopping and not following your doctors' and therapists' instructions is dangerous to you.  I can't keep helping it happen.  I know you disagree with me.  I am sorry if this hurts you.  I will let dad know that I am taking myself out of the picture.  I hope you find a way to feel better.

I also sent emails to her therapist and psychiatrist letting them know my decision and why.

Right choice or wrong choice, I know I hurt her.

I had a dream the other night.  I was back in time about twenty years.  My mom was there.  She was happy and healthy.  I am grateful for that dream.  It reminded me who she used to be.  That helped me act with love.

But I still feel like a horrible daughter.

It's just so sad.

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16 Comments:

Blogger Lisa said...

You have to do what you need to do. You can't be an enabler.

August 5, 2013 at 4:55 PM  
Blogger Bonnie said...

I once had to establish a boundary like that with my mom. It broke my heart. God healed my heart and helped me see that I was not enough to save her, but he was. I'm sorry your heart is breaking. I know it will heal. Boundaries are good. Hang in there. I'm praying for you.

August 5, 2013 at 7:26 PM  
Anonymous cjane68 said...

What an incredibly courageous thing for you to do. You chose not to continue spending any more of your limited time in this world on something that was not moving you forward and would continue to keep you stagnant. Never choose anything that isn't moving you forward and productive. What a brave choice you made. :)

August 5, 2013 at 8:06 PM  
Blogger Birdie said...

Prescription drug addiction is so insidious. My mom, when she was alive was very addicted. We talked to her about it (many times) but she was in total denial. It broke our hearts.

Like with any addict, you have to stop being part of the game. And it is so hard. xo

August 5, 2013 at 8:24 PM  
Blogger Vicki M. Taylor said...

For what it's worth, I think you did the right thing. Especially letting her doctors know and your dad. You can only do so much until you are harming yourself in the process. You need to stay healthy as well. It's important to take care of you first. Don't feel guilty. You didn't do this to harm your mom. This may be what it takes to open her eyes. Have a blessed day. Followed you from SITS.

August 6, 2013 at 8:17 AM  
Blogger Chanda said...

I feel for you. My dad has many mental issues and this year everything has come to a head as he will not take his medication correctly and he would not sleep. Thankfully my mom is still in the picture, but they also have a crazy, dramatic relationship. I have had to step aside and separate myself many times from my family just so I can keep myself and my family in a good place. It is so hard and the guilt is much, but I have to remember I am not Super Woman, no matter how hard I try. Hugs to you! Came here from SITS.

August 7, 2013 at 6:40 AM  
Blogger Bev Feldman said...

What an incredibly hard decision that must have been, but it sounds like it is coming from a wonderfully good place. You want what's best for her, and for you, and while as a daughter keeping yourself away might be hard for both of you, in the end it might be what you both need.

August 7, 2013 at 7:34 AM  
Blogger The Lovely One said...

I believe you did the right thing. You can't get yourself involved in this, and it's probably so hard to see her in a downward spiral. I hope she's able to get the help she needs.

August 7, 2013 at 8:43 PM  
Anonymous MARCIA said...

So let me begin by sharing that I'm a therapist and have had many a client come to me with similar situations. You have to take care of yourself first—and even more so in a situation where the person, in this case your mom is unwilling to get the help she needs. You cannot make her, force her or convince her to get help but you can make a commitment to yourself not to enable her. This seems like what you have done. It's very hard. It's very painful. We all want to believe that we can help someone who is suffering so much. We can hold out a hand but they have to be willing to take it. In this case your mother isn't ready.

August 9, 2013 at 6:09 PM  
Anonymous Sheila Skillingstead said...

I"m so sorry that you have been put in this situation. Your text was caring and nonjudgmental. One day at a time is all anyone can do. Sometimes just one moment at a time. I hope something light touches your heart today. Maybe a smell, a taste, a sound, a color--something to warm your heart.

Enjoy running around on the net today and hopefully you read some fun things.

August 10, 2013 at 10:06 AM  
Blogger Andrea B. said...

I'm so so sorry. I'm finding your post through #SITSSHAREFEST and read your title and so I wanted to come offer some support. I'm so sorry that your mom is behaving this way and I agree with the steps you need to take to protect yourself from all of this. Your mom should not be putting you in this situation, and I understand you want to help her, but I get it. YOU HAVE NOT FAILED. You are doing your best, and that is all, we, as children, can often do.

I promise this isn't a spam, but if you are looking for some extra support, bandbacktogether.com is somewhere I volunteer and it's an incredible site for people - resources and people like us who have hurts and want to and need to share. Feel free to come by. Hugs and strength to you. You will be okay.

August 10, 2013 at 1:14 PM  
Anonymous Amy @ Mommy Rodeo said...

Your title caught my attention (SITS) and I support you on your decision. I just finished a book (Coming Clean) that is about a girl and her hoarder parents. It was hard to read and she finally reached a similar point where she realized she couldn't help them. It was a long road to get there and her life/emotions/everything was certainly tied to them. Tough is an understatement. Hang in there.

August 11, 2013 at 5:21 AM  
Blogger Katie Schmidt said...

Sometimes we have to make tough decision and set serious boundaries with those we love. It doesn't mean that it isn't going to suck or make us sad.

Sending positive vibes and prayers your way!

August 12, 2013 at 3:09 AM  
Blogger Estes Family Blog said...

That had to be a really hard decision! But it was the right one. That's what you have to remember. You are not a bad daughter, just a loving one!

August 12, 2013 at 3:49 PM  
Anonymous Renee said...

I read a couple of your posts and want to share something that has helped me through some tough times in the past few years. I've always been a committed Christian but I kinda like to run the show. I mean that when things are happening I can't just sit there and wait...but I have learned that God has better ways of handling my problems more thoroughly that I could ever even imagine and when i finally "gave it to Him" He took over and dealt with whatever the issue might have been. I have doen this over and over and whenI try to pick up my problem again, I remember and say to The Lord..."Oh no. I gave this to you ~ it's your problem." And He really really has taken over the problems in my life. I just do what I'm supposed to do each day and leave the rest to Him. Pray and let God have whatever is wrong. He said ~ Cast all your cares on me! ~I think he really meant it! love

August 16, 2013 at 1:04 PM  
Blogger Jeanine Tribley said...

You have done what you needed to do, you needed a coping mechanism and it is a brave and well needed move.

Do not beat yourself up! Please.

All will be okay. Stay strong. Have faith. And you will alot of supporters here. Take care of yourself.

August 16, 2013 at 7:08 PM  

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