Monday, January 21, 2013

Seeing in the Dark

A couple of weeks ago my PTSD was triggered.  Enough that it was making my life difficult.  I was putting on a good front, but inside I was in turmoil.  There was intense fear, uncertainty, lack of direction, inability to communicate, and an overwhelming desire to hide.  My mind was obsessed with thoughts of an experience from my past.  It was trying to process things that still aren't clear.  And I was in a state of panic that I couldn't get out of.

I spent a couple of days in this state.  I tried to relax my mind and focus on other things.  I tried to distract myself out of it.  I tried various calming techniques, including meds.  But it wouldn't go away.

And in the back of my mind I kept thinking, "Maybe you should try to see this."

My word for the year is see.  While I did my best to define it in that post, there is more to it than I was able to say.  There is an element that can't be explained but is understood in my heart.

Finally, on the third day out, I decided I was ready to try.  But I didn't really know how.  When I'm trying to see a positive moment I try to be more present.  More in the moment so I can see and feel the things I was missing that I want to experience.

But the memory that triggered me was something I didn't want to be more present in.  It was something I didn't want to experience more.  How could I see it?

When I know I'm headed in the right direction but am not sure how to proceed, I pray.  I ask Him to help me see the next step.  Then, whether I understand or not, I take that next step.  It's worked beautifully for me many times throughout my life.  But I only ask if I am really willing to take the next step no matter what it is.  That's why it took me three days.  I wasn't ready until then.

This is a deep and powerful experience for me.  I will try to share it in a way that is honest but also respects the sanctity I feel about it.

I knelt in prayer and conversed with God.  I told Him I was afraid but was willing to see and know what I needed to in order to heal.  I opened my heart in willingness to learn more and take whatever step was directed.  I expressed my fear.  He expressed His love.

And I saw that past experience with new eyes.  With new understanding.  It only took a few moments with God to find the peace I'd longed for. 

It doesn't always work this way.  Often my prayers are one-way communication, usually due to my rushing and being disconnected.  Sometimes prayer after prayer seems to go unanswered.  Or I don't see the answer.  But other times I open my heart enough that we are truly together in conversation.  I pour out my heart and then He fills it.  This was one of those moments.

I was filled with calm.  I knew I was on the right path.  And he told me something I needed to hear, "Your role is so important."

I think that will get me through just about anything.


2busy said...

He can do amazing things for us if we quit fighting Him and let Him take over those difficult things. It's not easy, but as you proved, it can be done.

Bonnie said...

Prayer has always been an important part of my life, but I don't think until recently I understood just how intimate prayer could be between me and God, how much he trusted me and how much I could ask. I'm so grateful that we've been created so that we can save things that we couldn't process at one point in our lives to a different, more peaceful centered time. I'm so grateful that as we brave seeing, he enlightens. May we both proceed with considerably fewer burdens.

Sheila Skillingstead said...

I often wonder why we don't seek the help we need and you are so right. We don't seek the help we need until we are ready. Been there done that. I didn't seek help until my forties. I try not to think of it as a waste. I was living, I just had stuffed to many things down too deep.

I always enjoy reading your blogs. Definitely real--no deception. That's a nice way to live.

Enjoy the rest of your day. I've got sunshine today. Probably three more hours till dark.

Mommy's Heart said...

Your writing is very honest. That itself is a great accomplishment when it comes to investigating your inner self- well, that is my experience. And it is hard to be honest. I just would like to thank you for stopping by my place and commenting. It means a lot! I am your new follower as well. Please feel free to follow me back if you are into my writing :)

xtraleo said...

This is very honest. I can really appreciate and respect that. Like you, when I'm praying I can often feel disconnected and easily distracted. I learned that keeping a prayer journal is my best method of prayer. It's calming and always me to focus. This way I can actually hear from HIM. Always satisfied after reading your blog. As always, thanks for visiting Be-Quoted.

Sherelle said...

You wrote from a very vulnerable place and that's always the best! When I pray,and wait, I can hear what God wants for me. I am at a better place internally and externally because of His peace. The dark days are now few and far between. Many blessing to you!

Alethea Etinoff said...

Prayer is such a beautiful, peaceful and emptying experience. I love spending time with the Father. I pray your continued peace in The Lord. Stopping via SITS.


Ilene said...

I love what you share and I loved that your tried to see it even though you were afraid. You indeed have a strong faith, and that can get us through anything.

The Liebers said...

When I look back on a particularly difficult time I am always amazed at how well I was being taken care of. Now if I could just remember that in the moment I would be all set!!