Tuesday, November 20, 2012

An Abusive Husband, part three

For the first part of my husband's story and why we are sharing it read this.
For the second part of our story read this.

Today I offer the final part of the story:  what happened when he saw the truth.


I started to work with a friend from an old job.  He is a very sensitive and caring man who understands women (and no he isn't gay).  But when I would talk to him at work and tell him how nuts my wife was he would always tell me where I was wrong.  He was very good at it because he can talk both male and female.  He had been through a lot of therapy, too.

Robin and I were about done with marriage and I was sick of all the accusations of being abusive.  I still loved her and didn't want to divorce but she just wasn't getting it.  Then one day we had a meeting, just her and me.  I was finally to the point where I really wanted to understand what she was trying to say.  I don't know if she explained it to me better that time or I finally listened but I got it.  It was the yelling, putting down and getting even that was the abuse.  The seething hatred when I was angry.  The fact that everyone at home was walking on egg shells around me so they wouldn't trigger another outburst from the angry man.

Holy cow, what an eye opener that was.  I love these people and they all feel like I hate them.  They walk on egg shells around me.  My wife and kids.  It was a shot to my heart.

But how to fix it, for now I see just what a bastard I am.  Anger was my nature.  I couldn't control it.  It would explode in me and I had to yell or I would be violent (I never was but it was because I could yell at those I was angry with).  I also knew that my OCD triggered my anger and how was I going to fix that?

That's when I started therapy (or thereabouts).  We found Dr. Dan.  Robin, bless her, saw my horror when I finally understood and we decided to work together to beat this thing.  I was ready.

It was really hard.  I had to learn how to control my anger.  I had to face issues from my past that I wanted to leave alone.  I had to trust Dr. Dan.  (Don't think that wasn't hard.)  I had to learn how to be a real man.  A real husband and father.  I don't always win in my daily fight to control my anger or my OCD, but I win most days.  I've learned that you can change.  You can control anger.  I'm to the point now where I hardly ever get angry anymore.  It's been a long road and I've had a lot of help.

The most important thing I've learned in this whole process is that you have to accept the fact that you are wrong.  Be humble enough to be told you're being a jerk and realize you are but you can change.  Your wife isn't trying to control you.  She loves you and is trying to help you reach your potential.

Thanks for helping me be a better man, Robin.

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Blogger Bonnie said...

It's a good story, Bill. I even believe it. ;) I was just reading in the Doctrine and Covenants (that's my course of study right now) and I was brought up short by just how often the Lord was telling these early church leaders to repent and be humble in their leadership. I need those lessons myself, and I appreciate people even more who are willing to lead with that kind of attitude. Lead on, dude.

Maybe you can write a blog yourself, and you can talk about your faith.

November 20, 2012 at 3:09 PM  
Blogger Heather Jo said...

Thanks for sharing this. This will probably shock everyone, but in our house, I'm the one who gets angry, who yells, who throws and breaks things. In my mind, breaking things or throwing things, is better than hurting the people I love, but I know it can be just as damaging. I'm working on it. I guess it's time I find my own "Dr. Dan". Thanks for being a good example.

November 20, 2012 at 5:09 PM  
Blogger Margy said...

A remarkable story! Thanks for sharing it, Bill.

November 20, 2012 at 5:21 PM  
Anonymous amy said...

wow. amazing. inspiring. wish the men at the jail could learn from you, Bill. so many people and families could learn to heal. thank you.

November 20, 2012 at 8:54 PM  
Blogger Savvy WorkingGal said...

I enjoyed hearing this story from your perspective. I admire your courage to understand yourself and to change. I think so many of us are caught in old patterns of dealing with our emotions and refuse to see we may be part of the problem. Plus who wants to go around feeling angry all the time. I too would love to read more from you.

November 21, 2012 at 6:25 AM  
Blogger Ginny Marie said...

I just read all three parts...what a wonderful ending to the story! Thank you for sharing...I'm sure there are many people out there who will benefit from your openness and willingness to share your experiences.

November 21, 2012 at 10:52 AM  
Anonymous Sheila Skillingstead said...

Just read the post. It is so hard to admit being wrong. Glad ou are on the right road. Two steps forward, one back and you'll get there.

November 21, 2012 at 1:51 PM  
Anonymous Christy @ My Invisible Crown said...

I'm so impressed by the transparency in this series and so glad you guys are working it out. There's such beauty in realizing a fault and actually WANTING to do something about it.

November 24, 2012 at 9:36 AM  
Anonymous Krishann said...

Thank you for sharing your story. I imagine it took some courage. I wish you and your family the best. I believe that a lot of other people will be helped simply because of your openness.

November 24, 2012 at 2:03 PM  
Blogger Sorta Southern Single Mom said...

I want to come back and read parts one and two, but I admire you for being brave enough to make the change!

November 26, 2012 at 4:25 AM  
Anonymous tori nelson said...

Powerful words, Bill. It takes a real man to admit when he's wrong. It is incredibly heartwarming to see a couple able to heal from wounds that cause many folks to call it quits.

November 27, 2012 at 4:56 AM  
Blogger Blond Duck said...

My dad is a cold, angry man. I spent my life growing up terrified of him. Kudos to your husband for changing for his family.

November 27, 2012 at 5:22 AM  
Blogger doseofreality said...

This is an amazing story, and I think that many, many people will appreciate you sharing it. Thank you.

November 27, 2012 at 8:03 AM  
Anonymous Mothering From Scratch said...

{Melinda} What a sweet tribute to your wife. She is an amazing woman. But I give you a tremendous amount of credit for being willing to have the humility to do the self-examination and the hard work of changing longstanding behavior patterns. It is not easy. God bless you two. He clearly already is. Happy for you.

Robin, thanks so much for visiting our blog on our SITS Day. We always love stopping by your place.:)

November 27, 2012 at 10:38 AM  

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