Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Today is a Down Day

A dark day.  A heavy, painful day.  One of those days when I feel like I am walking through tar and it's so hard to pick up my feet to even take a step that I want to just lie down and curl up and sleep in the muck. 

Every task weighs a ton.  Nothing matters.  A day of hiding and isolation.  A day of knowing what's healthy and not caring.  A day of avoidance.

A day of feeling held captive by biochemistry.  At war with my own body and mind.  Fighting not to lose myself.  And losing.

Nothing is wrong.  There is no great tragedy in my life, no new crisis.  I'm  just quietly sinking.

It's not that I don't have hope or that I'm not happy.  I know it will pass and that I have a wonderful life with much to be grateful for.  But I am also so sad.  And lonely.  And hopeless.  It's like the hope and happy of my life are a bright outfit I'm wearing, but I am also wrapped in a heavy, dark coat.  So heavy I can't take it off.  So heavy I can't function with it on.

I get better.  Over and over again I get better.  And I start to believe I am healed.  That I have finally found the way.  I finally know the behaviors and thoughts that will keep me afloat.  And then something grabs my ankle and pulls me under.  I'm walking along strong and turn the corner to find the big, black dog growling at me.  Before I know it he's knocked me to the ground and is chewing on my face.  All I can do is curl into the fetal position to try to protect myself.

And that's where I am today.  Curled up, trying to stay alive.  Trying to stay me.

**********

I'm not in danger.  I'm not going to hurt myself.  I just need time to lick my wounds.

20 comments:

MaggieJo said...

I absolutely hate that feeling. And I hate trying to describe it to someone who has never been there. I'm grateful they haven't but it's hard. It's a lonely, confusing place. I hope it comes and goes quickly. Love you.

Anonymous said...

This is my day. I'm so glad I'm not alone. Thank you for being you. It's amazing.

Meredith Mull said...

I have been there and I can feel the darkness with you. I'm on the bright side now, but I know at any minute the darkness can return. {HUGS} to you and know that for YOU, the brightness can shine on you, too, at any minute. Just keep hanging on!

Heather Jo said...

I'm there too. I don't think I'm coming back any time soon though. I don't currently want to.

Pastor Sharon said...

Your description of this day is so full of clarity, I could step into it. I don't want to. Yet it is very clear.

I respect the seriousness of where your day has taken you today. I appreciate you for your willingness to share.

I thank you from the bottom of my heart. It helps me understand how a dear family member of mine must feel when this happens.

Thank you.

Kristiina said...

<3 sending you love on your dark day

Sheila Skillingstead said...

Been there done that. I used to watch Die Hard to get a bit brighter. If John McClane can survive all that, so can I. Step by step. Thanks for sharing.

Heather {Desperately Seeking} said...

Oh how I have been there. And oh how I can relate with several of your commentors.

Hugs to you today. And praying for you that tomorrow is just a little brighter!

Mothering From Scratch said...

{Kathy} Sending Peace your way.

Bonnie said...

I just saw this. I'm sorry. I hope this passes, and even that the dawn of a new morning without barometer going every which direction has helped. Love you.

Yolanda Renee said...

"I get better. Over and over again I get better. And I start to believe I am healed."

I admire your ability to share the deepest part of who you are.

Sending you blessings and peace.

viviene @ thejourneyofawoman said...

This is a very honest post and sometimes we just need to unload our feelings of sadness and pain. Sending you my prayers =)

life...just saying said...

I too can relate. Your honesty is to be applauded. You are a courageous person who provides encouragement in the midst of your pain, and because of it.

Pam said...

I'm so sorry your day was dark. I hope today is a brighter one. Best wishes to you this morning.

Kristin Leamy said...

I am so sorry. I know this black dog all too well. Sending you hugs and hope <3

Monicas Mom Musings said...

I hope by now you have gotten some hope back. Stopping by from SITS.

barefootmeds said...

Oh, I'm sorry... I get days like those too, and they suck. Sending you a big virtual hug. If you're not in a huggie mood, that's okay too.

realinto said...

I hope you start feeling well soon. When I'm not well, I get angry. At everything. And I just want everyone to go away.

Have a better day.

Mama Pants said...

I am so sorry this is your day :( We all need time to lick our wounds. I am so glad you have an outlet to write it out. I have found that writing provides me a therapy that is so needed in my life. I hope that the sun begins to shine for you soon. I hope that any minute now you can take off the heavy coat and feel free again. ((((hugs))))

Alison said...

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I can't imagine how hard it must be. I hope you find a way to work through it. Writing helps, yes?