Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Dear Diary

I often see bloggers begin a post with an apology for having been absent for a while.  When I see this it reminds me of how like a diary a blog can be.  I remember as a teen that most of my diary entries started the same way.

I've never been a good journal keeper.  I have friends and family who are so good at taking note of what's happening in their lives, who write in a journal religiously.  My entries were sporadic, but I tried.  I have a few recorded memories of those difficult years when everything is wrong and the world just doesn't understand you.

Today I have chosen to share one.  I do this mostly for my daughter who is just leaving that time of her life.  So that she can know that I struggled with similar things.  And so she can laugh at my drama.

This entry would have been during my junior year in high school, shortly before I turned 17.  I typed it exactly as it appeared, including punctuation mistakes and lost focus.

November 29, 1986
I think I'm going to go insane.  I'm still waiting for a letter from Kevin and my "dad" and I just had another fight.

He probably doesn't even know we've had a fight.  He just told me another flaw he doesn't like about me is that I'm getting sarcastic.  I wish he'd notice something good in me for a change.  It seems like he's only pleased with me once a year.  Last year it was my "Outstanding Sophomore Award" and this year it's my stupid grades.

While once a year he notices a good thing he points out hundreds of mistakes, I already know about, the rest of the year.  It'll be so good when Ryan comes home because I'm going to stay with my Grandma Conover so that Kay can have my room.

It'll be great to get away from my dad & Chris for two weeks, off & on.  They drive me totally insane on a day to day basis.

I think I'm going to die if I don't get a letter from Kevin soon.  I've been living the past week just waiting for the mail so that I could see if it had come yet.

I seem to be getting depressed more and more lately.  I don't know why.  Maybe it's all the pressure I'm getting from my parents.  My mom doesn't even realize that she pressures me, too.

I mean they're so happy when I get good grades that I'm scared to let them know if I really start having problems.

I've been thinking about Kevin all the time lately and I don't know what I'm going to do.  I'm in an awful situation.  I don't know how he feels and I don't know how I feel.  Our relationship is going to be almost frozen for the next two years.  Oh, that sounds like such a long time.  I'm gonna die!

Love Always,


Eva Gallant said...

Ah, the teen angst! How did we ever live through it??

Day said...

That's really funny.

It also makes me think. . . having a confusing relationship that's about to go on hold for two years is a pretty unfortunate situation. I wonder how much less silly this could seem if the language were less teeny-bopper. :)

Jessica Grosland said...

I didn't think it was silly. (*grumpy face*) But then, I guess that's because I'm not much older now than you were then, and I understand more of the history of the story.

Who'd have thought that just exactly four years from the date of that journal entry, you would have a beautiful brilliant baby girl to take your mind off your troubles? :)

Yarell said...

It's fun (interesting, sometimes scary) looking back into your own past. You never know what you might find.

Grandma Nina said...

So funny, but not really! Those are such traumatic times, or what we then thought were traumatic. I also used to keep a journal but I think I threw it away. Now you have me curious and I should search to see I I have it somewhere. I would probably find a very similar entry!

Lisa said...

I'm somehwere between where your daughter is now, and probably closer to where you are (in age) and I don't think it's silly. I think it's beautiful. And i had this same idea... why do you always go first? ;-) I loved it and thanks for sharing. Was the 2 years a mission? I did that. Ugh. It's hard. Glad you are back. :-)

Bre And Drew said...

Thanks for sharing something so personal. I know if I looked back through my old journals I could find MANY entries that were very similar. I've thought about throwing them out, because I don't want to be remembered that way, but maybe I'll save them and share them with my kids someday.

Kazzy said...

Every time I read old diary entries I end up with this furrowed brow and fascination. It is like a car wreck. I can't even turn away. Weird.

So, tell me about Kevin.

Eva Gallant said...

I can't believe I'm back again. I posted after you on SITS two days in a row! Must be some kind of sign! lol

Katie Gates said...

Hi Robin, Just stopping by to thank you for stopping by on my SITS day, and I LOVE this post! OMG, the voice of a 17 year old. Mega angst. And the fact that you signed your journal entry, "Love always" made me smile. To me, that's a reflection of strength and self-belief, even if it doesn't feel that way at the time. I'll be following you...

From Tracie said...

I seriously SERIOUSLY love that you just shared a teenage journal entry. That is brilliant.

I'm a journaler, but I don't write in it everyday. That is just too much pressure for me. I write most days when I have something to share. (kind of like how I approach my blog)

From Tracie said...

So.....did you ever get that letter from Kevin?

Kimberly said...

Oh, the teen years. Such drama. It's kind of a miracle we survive it at all...and I should try to remember that as I parent my teen.

Stopped by from SITS to say hello!