Wednesday, January 5, 2011

An Update

Thank you for all the kind expressions of concern and support.  It was very sweet and touched my heart.

I got triggered over the holiday.  Multiple times.  By different people.

I have kind of lost my sense of self recently, my self-definition.  I regressed to letting others define me.  To feeling like I am worth less because others didn't approve.  Because I didn't measure up.

It was a gradual thing, so I didn't really notice it until it had gotten pretty bad.  I was isolating myself.  I was unable to write.  I was no longer talking to people in any meaningful way.  I was not leaving my house unless absolutely required.  For over a month.

I felt like I was disappearing. 

And then the holidays hit.  There were some really good things which I'd hoped to write about.  But then there were a couple of situations that sent me back in time.  I was not self-assured.  I had no power.  My boundaries were difficult to maintain.  I didn't feel like a whole person.  And my anxiety began to climb.

I didn't understand what was happening.  I couldn't pin it down to just one incident.  Or even to just one person.

But I was suddenly full of fear.  Paralyzed with fear.  Always on the verge of tears.  Several sobbing fits with so much emotional pain.  And I didn't understand where it was coming from.  For a couple of weeks.

On the bright side, I made it through the worst of it without injuring myself.  That's progress.  And I found a way to stand up for myself once I figured out one of the problems.

It's not gone.  I'm not through it.  Sudden waves of fear and/or anxiety still happen.  But I am making progress.  Understanding that it is PTSD because I was triggered helps.  Even though I don't know the specific cause, I do have coping strategies -- healthy ones -- to deal with it.

So right now I am trying to pull it together.  To figure it out.  But at least I am finally able to write.  That alone makes me feel like I might be real.

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Blogger Cheryl D. said...

So sorry you're going through such a hard time. It does sound like you're coming out of the fog though. Even though you're having a hard time finding a trigger, I think sometimes a combination of things can set something off.

Take good care of yourself!

January 6, 2011 at 12:32 AM  
Blogger Stephi said...

I had no idea that you were going through all these. I know anxiety and fear well and it's heartbreaking what they do to the soul. The holidays can be terrible time for some people. I am glad you made it through, you are very strong and I have no doubt you will make it through this. Much love to you x

January 6, 2011 at 4:04 AM  
Blogger Sherri said...

everything i start to type sounds so cliche... but my heart doesn't feel cliche at all after reading your post...

i feel a sense of relief that you didn't harm yourself...

i hate that you have been going through such a bad time....

i'm happy to know that you have some tools in your toolbox to help deal with the feelings...

and i want badly to let you know that you are not worthless... and you don't have to measure up to anyone but you...

i'm glad you are back to writing... i've missed your insight and kind words...

and this is cliche...but i'm so sorry you have been feeling all these bad things.... take care of you!

January 6, 2011 at 9:11 AM  
Blogger Running Circles said...

I hate that you have to struggle like this. I wish it wasn't this way. I also wish that with previous struggles everything would be learned and we could just move on to greener pastures, but it is never easy to come out once we start to slip. I don't know if this helps, but you help me a lot and I'm grateful. Just remind yourself that this too shall come to pass. I'm hoping the clouds lift quickly.

January 8, 2011 at 5:46 PM  
Anonymous BlackEyedDog said...

I really hope it'll get better really soon....keep your chin up =)



January 11, 2011 at 8:02 AM  
Blogger Lisa said...

Oh my goodness. This is/was me. This is why I am so behind on reading and writing blogs. It's inspired me. I'm sad you had to go through it but glad you wrote about it. Thank you.

January 17, 2011 at 10:00 PM  

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