Friday, August 13, 2010

Paralyzed

Please excuse my absence. 

I have wanted to write.  I have needed to write.  But I just couldn't do it.

No, wait!  Don't run off thinking this is another writer writing about writer's block.  It isn't; I promise.

If it were writer's block then the only thing I would be having trouble with would be writing.  And it's not.  I'm having trouble with everything.  I am paralyzed in my life.  Stuck.

I guess it started a couple of weeks ago when the darkness hit.  From out of nowhere it came over me like a black cloud.  A cloud made out of tar.  And everything in my life became a lot more difficult.

I get like this sometimes.  And I have yet to figure out why.  It is so incredibly frustrating.

I was doing so much better.  I was getting stuff done.  Spending time with people.  Really enjoying my life.

And then it went away.  The joy was gone.

There was no big crisis.  There is no obvious explanation.  My life is in a pretty good place right now.  I should be happy.

But I'm not.

And I am frozen.  I look around and see how much I need to get done.  Cleaning.  Bills.  Contact with friends.  Church obligations.  Food for my family.  Each and every one of these things became a monumental task in and of itself.

It's hard to start eating the elephant when you know there is another one right behind it.

I quit eating well.  I quit sleeping well.  I started hiding from family and friends.

I was back in survival mode.  Doing the bare minimum.  Relying on old coping strategies that I know don't work long term but get me through. 

I have new tools.  Things I have learned in therapy and through my own experience.  Healthy ways to change my focus and find my way back to the light.  But they don't appeal to me.

All I want to do is sit down on the curb and watch the world go by.  Without being seen so no one talks to me or expects anything from me.

But I'm not.  I'm trying to go on.  I may not be up and running, but at least I'm crawling.  And if I keep crawling long enough, eventually I will turn the corner.

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25 Comments:

Blogger Bonnie said...

This is not a "cheer up" note. You will when you decide to. It's a "hear ya sistah" note. Out of the blue something that hasn't bothered me in awhile hit me the other night too. Must be the weather. Sometimes we get through the tough spot however we can and figure out the tools on the other side, sometimes we drag outselves out with the tools we find in the dark. I wish you well with whatever way will work best for you this time and I'm thinking of you.

August 13, 2010 at 10:42 PM  
Blogger Kazzy said...

You are a real conundrum, you know that? Sometimes you seem to cry out for a connection, and other times you loathe the idea. I crave your company sometimes because I value your input and friendship, but I am afraid to extend a hand because you might bite my fingers. But you already know all this; hence, this post.

I am sorry you feel like such an observer sometimes. I feel bad about that. Whenever you feel like you want or need to connect, I am never too busy.

August 13, 2010 at 10:43 PM  
Blogger Texan Mama @ Who Put Me In Charge said...

Just cope. Do your best. Tomorrow is another day and whatever the ills of today may be, they will dissipate through the night.

The elephant is there. And, if you really want to get him eaten you have to start sometime. Might as well get it over with and try.

{{hugs}} feel better.

August 13, 2010 at 11:05 PM  
Anonymous Libby said...

Thinking of you!

August 14, 2010 at 2:29 AM  
Blogger Eclipsed said...

I am so sorry that you're feeling this way. I wish that I had something to say to you that might pierce the darkness, especially since you've been so helpful and supportive of me, but I'm at a loss for words. I can sit in the darkness with you until it passes. You're not alone.

August 14, 2010 at 10:17 AM  
Blogger the wild raspberry said...

i understand.
truly.

small goals at a time is what it takes.

and it may sound silly but exercise and being out in nature are true healing tools.

best wishes~
chasity

August 14, 2010 at 10:25 AM  
Blogger Melissa said...

This sounds so familiar. One day at a time, one step at a time, one breath at a time.

August 14, 2010 at 12:45 PM  
Blogger Encore Bride said...

I was there on that same spot a few years ago. Nothing I did would make it better so I had to make drastic changes in my life. Hang in there and remember that everything in life only lasts a moment. Found you via SITS...

August 14, 2010 at 1:15 PM  
Blogger SenoraG said...

I have no magic words other than I stand beside you and truly know how you feel. There is light at the end of the tunnel and if you need a shoulder I'm always around. Good luck.
Wanna Check Me Out?

August 14, 2010 at 1:17 PM  
Blogger Ruby@Ruby'sMusings said...

I have been there , done that , more times than I care to admit. I also have had friends like your's , Kazzy say the exact same to me. I have pushed good people away, and pulled bad ones close and then turn around and do the opposite. It is very hard to eat that elephant as you said, for me it is often sitting right on me....impossible to eat, and so I start trying to ignore it , that works at times and others not.
This does not help I know, but maybe it will help to know that you are not alone.

August 14, 2010 at 1:51 PM  
Anonymous Diva (in Demand) said...

Does it help you to know that you're not alone? If it does.....please know you're not alone.

The selfish Diva in me wants to ask you about the tools you have for coping. That's an area where I fall short and I want to be able to talk to others about ways to get by.

The one thing that I do know is that writing helps. So I know from personal experience that this post helped you some.

August 14, 2010 at 2:01 PM  
Anonymous Carol Dunlop said...

Hmm, I can't say it's sad, it just is. Sometimes it just is. I don't have the words either, probably no person does, but one thing that I can suggest is to just take a walk and really, really look at your surroundings and take it all in, breath by breath, step by step. It won't be an instant cure or may not even sound like anything. But the simple act of moving and doing, will help you to cope and think an then move forward. Good luck and I wish you peace.

August 14, 2010 at 2:41 PM  
Blogger Xan said...

Breathe in and Breathe out...that is your only obligation.

August 14, 2010 at 6:20 PM  
Blogger Just Another Person said...

I can't really give you good comment like some of the other comments, but just want to say that I read your blog. And I know how it feels. I hope you will feel better soon.

keep writing.

August 14, 2010 at 7:14 PM  
Blogger Running Circles said...

I wanted to say something and I thought long and hard about it, but the truth is I have no idea how I come out of the moments you are feeling right now, I just do somehow. If it was possible I'd extend my hand and help pull you up. This mountain isn't going anywhere, I'd much rather have the company =)When all else fails, watch this

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5P6UU6m3cqk

August 14, 2010 at 10:38 PM  
OpenID bluecottonmemory said...

I agree with Bonnie - something's in the weather. I just want to sit on that curb with you right now. Scoot over and make room! And it's a kind of paralysis. I feel it with you! However, I just put one step in front of the other. Yeah - the laundry might get behind. The house a little dusty. I might not be warm and fuzzy (LOL) - but I know it's just a season and I'll get through it! One step at a time:)

August 14, 2010 at 11:22 PM  
Blogger Dawnelle said...

Just went through this, though my haze was not tar black. Thanks for recognizing it and offering of a trip to Sonic. The same applies to you!! (You drive.) :)

August 15, 2010 at 2:40 AM  
Blogger Heather Johnson said...

This happens to me every now and again also. It seems so bleak when you can "see" yourself in the dark place, and you know what you need to do to get out, but still, there is no way to do it. Keep crawling, don't stop, and like you said, eventually you will walk. You will. You are not alone. There are so many women who feel paralyzed. Cling to your family and to your friends, the sun will shine.

August 16, 2010 at 12:47 AM  
Blogger Heather Johnson said...

Oh, found you through SITS. Glad I did.
http://familyvolley.blogspot.com

August 16, 2010 at 12:47 AM  
Blogger Jessica Grosland said...

It's okay, Mom.

(*forgiving smile*)

August 16, 2010 at 4:43 PM  
Blogger Kimberly said...

Reading this was eerie. That's my life you're writing. My very exact experiences.

I haven't got it all figured out, but the good stretches are longer than the bad ones these days. I now call it Spiritual Persecution and fight in various ways...but even so there are those days. Crawling days...dark days...

But the great thing is how much brighter the light is after that time in the dark.

August 16, 2010 at 11:03 PM  
Blogger Mary K Brennan said...

Keep crawling Girl! Even if it's just one step a day.

August 18, 2010 at 4:59 AM  
Anonymous Naked Girl in a Dress said...

Oh how I understand where you are. Each time I get hit with this, I get a little better at identifying so that I can more quickly work towards the light.

I even know about wanting to stay where you are right now, but if you think about it, you know being in the light will feel better.

You can do it and it will feel better because you were empowered and made it happen. You will learn to take control.

Hang in there.

August 19, 2010 at 5:17 AM  
OpenID bernicewood said...

Hey Robin,
I am sorry you are in a dark place too. It is hard I know. It sucks when you know the things you need to do to help pull your self even remotely up, but you just don't care.
Somehow we make it thru, my God's grace and the love of our families.
{{{Hugs}}}

August 19, 2010 at 11:24 PM  
Blogger heather@actingbalanced.com said...

found you from SITS and just wanted to say that I hope that you are able to come out of your dark place and find some light in your life again soon. You have support here in bloggyland

August 22, 2010 at 6:45 AM  

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