Please excuse my absence.
I have wanted to write. I have needed to write. But I just couldn't do it.
No, wait! Don't run off thinking this is another writer writing about writer's block. It isn't; I promise.
If it were writer's block then the only thing I would be having trouble with would be writing. And it's not. I'm having trouble with everything. I am paralyzed in my life. Stuck.
I guess it started a couple of weeks ago when the darkness hit. From out of nowhere it came over me like a black cloud. A cloud made out of tar. And everything in my life became a lot more difficult.
I get like this sometimes. And I have yet to figure out why. It is so incredibly frustrating.
I was doing so much better. I was getting stuff done. Spending time with people. Really enjoying my life.
And then it went away. The joy was gone.
There was no big crisis. There is no obvious explanation. My life is in a pretty good place right now. I should be happy.
But I'm not.
And I am frozen. I look around and see how much I need to get done. Cleaning. Bills. Contact with friends. Church obligations. Food for my family. Each and every one of these things became a monumental task in and of itself.
It's hard to start eating the elephant when you know there is another one right behind it.
I quit eating well. I quit sleeping well. I started hiding from family and friends.
I was back in survival mode. Doing the bare minimum. Relying on old coping strategies that I know don't work long term but get me through.
I have new tools. Things I have learned in therapy and through my own experience. Healthy ways to change my focus and find my way back to the light. But they don't appeal to me.
All I want to do is sit down on the curb and watch the world go by. Without being seen so no one talks to me or expects anything from me.
But I'm not. I'm trying to go on. I may not be up and running, but at least I'm crawling. And if I keep crawling long enough, eventually I will turn the corner.