Friday, April 16, 2010

Decisions, Decisions

I probably have hundreds, if not thousands, of decisions to make each day.  Some are small; some not so much.  Some are nearly automatic, like how I get out of bed.  It's not like I think about which foot to put down first.  And some take a lot of thought.  A lot.

Even with all the therapy I've had, I still find myself worried when I make decisions.  I worry that my decision will not be right in someone else's opinion.  Hopefully this period of worry is much shorter than it used to be.  And I am usually able to push through it anyway.  But I still find myself considering a handful of people and what they will think.

There are also those decisions where I worry about the judgment of my social circle.  Even people that I don't choose to be friends with.  People whose opinions I don't want to matter.  Or just people in general.  How can I choose this unless I can back it up and justify it?

It can be paralyzing.

I want to be stronger and more self-actualized.  I want to trust that I know what needs to happen in my life better than they do. 

I want to make a decision and feel no need to justify it.

And I want others to have the same freedom with me.  I want them to know that I have enough to worry about with my own decisions.  I don't judge them for theirs.  I just don't have the energy.

And there are a few decisions that I've made, that when they become public, seem to always make people defensive about making different decisions for themselves.  I never had an epidural.  I don't really watch tv.  I go to the library at least once a week.  Things like that.

These were the right decisions for me.  I absolutely do not want to make these decisions for anyone else.  And by judging another person's decision, I am making a decision for them.  The one I think they should have made.  As if I know their lives better than they do.

I don't think so.

Yes, I am judgmental sometimes.  I wish I could say that I'm not.  But hopefully it's just about stupid little things.  Differences in taste rather than a feeling that I'm right and you're wrong.  I don't want people to feel like I question them and their ability to govern themselves.  I would like my presence to be a judgment-free zone.

And hopefully I will continue to make progess as far as making my own decisions.  I would love to get to a place where, while still considerate of others, I can make decisions without hearing the judgment of others in my head.

I'm not sure how long this will take.  How many years of therapy.  How many self pep talks.  If I'll ever really get there.

But I believe it is a noble goal -- and I'm going for it!  There.  I've made my decision.


Dona said...

I spend a lot of time paralyzed or ping ponging between two choices so I can relate. Good job on making that choice. Not that it matters that I am praising you because you are so good at making decisions now you don't need my approval (or disapproval for that matter.)


The funny thing is that most of the time The decisions that I want to make are out of My reach and the ones I HAVE to make are often forced upon Me-Ones that I would rather not have to deal with. That is True for Most Everyone. This reality is nothing new, but something that likes to club me over the head quite often *Sigh. :-P :-)

Kazzy said...

I have always thought of you as a non-judgmental person. To me you have been someone that has been occupied enough with her own deal, so that you don't spend unnecessary time judging others.

But making the conscious decision is always a great thing. :)

Greg Hendricks said...

Wow Robin... I never thought there was anyone else that felt this way. Paralyzed by indecision is one of my catch phrases. Often it is over the stupidest stuff, usually when I have free time. It is not uncommon for me to waste more free time trying to make a decision on how to spend my free time than the time spent doing what I choose (and I usually feel guilty with whatever choice I make). If I choose to surf the web or play a video game, I think I should have read a book. If I choose to read a book, I feel I might have enjoyed playing a game more.

As long as I don't have to think about what I am doing, I am fine.